Jake Gyllenhaal credited as playing...
Pilot
- Pilot Kelson: Pop Quiz.
- Jack Hayes: No.
- Pilot Kelson: Come on. It's a quick one.
- Jack Hayes: Go.
- Pilot Kelson: What is 1,056 dicks?
- Jack Hayes: A lot of dicks.
- Pilot Kelson: Beep. Perfect Score. Gold star.
- Jack Hayes: Pop quiz.
- Pilot Kelson: Go.
- Jack Hayes: How much I owe you for helping me out?
- Pilot Kelson: A gazillion.
- Jack Hayes: Who's the major old-school happener?
- Pilot Kelson: Piiilot.
- Jack Hayes: How much longer we a team?
- Pilot Kelson: Forever.
- Jack Hayes: Beep... perfect score, gold star.
- Pilot Kelson: I like it... Hit the road, flee for your life, meet a doll who's got "once and a lifetime girl of my dreams and reason to believe" written all over her like so much graffiti. It could only happen to the god of fuck.
- Jack Hayes: Can we just have 15 minutes of fun in our fucking miserable lives?
- Pilot Kelson: Famous last words...
- Cassie: That's pretty pathetic in my book.
- Pilot Kelson: In your book? And what's the title of that book? Is it called 'Give Me A Hundred Bucks And I'll Suck Your Dick'? Cause I think I read that one, and it was... ooh... lurid.
- Pilot Kelson: When you think about it, the world is divided into 2 groups... pandas and alligator boys
- Jack Hayes: You bang her yet man?
- Pilot Kelson: Not even close... if "Bangher" was an island off the coast of the Carribean, me and Lucy are stuck in traffic in Jersey
- Pilot Kelson: [telling Jack that the whore thought Pilot was sexually confused] Sexual confusion... I mean, you don't think I have sexual confusion, do you?
- Pilot Kelson: So, it was cool, you know? I told her about my troubles and she was like, 'sexual confusion's a tricky thing'. Sexual confusion? I mean, easy on the sexual confusion tip, baby. You make me sound like a guy in a raincoat with a fistful of vaseline, you know?
- [laughs]
- Pilot Kelson: Sexual confusion... I mean, you don't think I have sexual confusion, do you...?
- Pilot Kelson: This is Jack Hayes, the God of Fuck!
- Shanks: [turns to Jack] Is that what they call you? The God of Fuck? Tell me something... do you like to get fucked?