Kevin James credited as playing...
Doug Heffernan • Ed, Jr.
- [Doug and Carrie are arguing about their parents]
- Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Don't you bring my father into this!
- Doug Heffernan: He's out of his mind! He cancelled our cable, because the cable company wouldn't pay him each time they ran the movie "Arthur"!
- [Arthur has put dirty dishes in the cupboard]
- Doug Heffernan: No big deal. We'll just reload the dishwasher and wash 'em. Okay, which of these did you already put away?
- Arthur Spooner: Let's see, I definitely remember putting away a blue bowl with big white and yellow sunflowers on it.
- Doug Heffernan: Okay, we don't own anything close to that.
- [Doug answers the phone]
- Doug Heffernan: Hello... Mhm?... Oh, hold on a second, let me get him... Arthur! Phone!
- Arthur Spooner: Who is it?
- Doug Heffernan: It's Louis Di Robertis from some law firm.
- Arthur Spooner: Tell him to drop dead!
- Doug Heffernan: Okay, I am not going to tell him to drop dead.
- Arthur Spooner: Then tell him to go to hell!
- Doug Heffernan: Not telling him that either.
- Arthur Spooner: Then you go to hell!
- Doug Heffernan: You go to hell!
- Arthur Spooner: Drop dead!
- [Doug lifts up the phone]
- Doug Heffernan: Sorry, wrong number.
- Ray Barone: What you got going on here? Log of salami, chips and cheese. I guess you're not buying in to this whole cholesterol thing, huh?
- Doug Heffernan: I buy in to it, I just wanna see how high I can get the numbers.
- Arthur Spooner: What's going on?
- Doug Heffernan: It's Carrie. The weirdest thing, every time we get together with our friends to play board games, she cheats.
- Arthur Spooner: She cheats? That little girl? That's impossible.
- Doug Heffernan: Arthur, I've seen her do it.
- Arthur Spooner: No, no. She may put some cotton in her bra from time to time, but she does not cheat at board games!
- [Doug and Deacon are locked in a refrigerated truck with penguins]
- Doug Heffernan: "Warning: Please retain key as refrigerated trucks are not equipped with interior door handles". Mother of ass!
- Doug Heffernan: I'm going to come up with something so romantic and heartfelt it's gonna make you feel like a piece of crap! A piece of crap!
- [Doug, Deacon and Arthur are going to babysit Major and spend some time together]
- Kelly Palmer: Okay, honey you are all set. Here is your "see and say"... Here is pinkys, whites, towels, diapers and buttcream.
- Arthur Spooner: Buttcream?, where is this day headin'?
- [Arthur looks at Doug]
- Doug Heffernan: Yeah, You wish!
- Arthur Spooner: Like I waste a wish on that, huh?
- Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Hasn't anyone said you look like someone?
- Doug Heffernan: Oh, you mean like every famous fat guy in every movie ever?
- [Arthur is moving up to sleep in the room next to Carrie and Doug's bedroom]
- Arthur Spooner: Well, hello there, neighbour!
- Doug Heffernan: Hello. Why did he call me neighbour?
- Carrie Spooner Heffernan: I'm moving him up here tonight, the basement was freezing.
- Doug Heffernan: How freezing?
- Doug Heffernan: All right, I'm glad you're all gathered here. Because you're about to hear the story of a driver, a swollen ankle, and get this, an iguana.
- Arthur Spooner: It seems to have reached optimal temperature. Now hit me with a load of Dougie batter.
- Doug Heffernan: Let's see how the waffles go and see what happens.
- Deacon Palmer: Douglas S. Heffernan... whats your second name?
- Doug Heffernan: Steven. And yours?
- Deacon Palmer: John.