Ashton Kutcher credited as playing...
Michael Kelso
- Jackie Burkhardt: Well, I have a date too.
- Michael Kelso: Who is he? What's his name?
- Jackie Burkhardt: His name is... not important. What's important is, he's better than you, in every single conceivable way.
- Michael Kelso: DAMN, JACKIE. THAT COULD BE ANYBODY.
- [Donna and Kelso are hiding under a bed]
- Donna Pinciotti: Is that your hand on my ass?
- Michael Kelso: It was an accident.
- Donna Pinciotti: Kelso, your hand's still on my ass.
- Michael Kelso: IT'S STILL AN ACCIDENT.
- Donna Pinciotti: [on the California beach] I miss Eric. That guy even looks like Eric.
- [Double take]
- Donna Pinciotti: Eric? Oh my God, Eric!
- Eric: [Looking around Kelso's van, he turns sharp at Donna's voice] Donna!
- [They run to each other in slow motion, Kelso tries to run along side Donna, but Donna pushes him down; they stop short of each other, just staring deeply into each other's eyes for a long moment and then... Kelso tackles Donna, wrestling her to the ground. Incredulous]
- Eric: Kelso, what the Hell are you doing?
- Michael Kelso: Winning!
- [Donna gets free, stands up and kicks Kelso in the side, then returns to looking at Eric]
- Donna Pinciotti: Eric... I can't believe you came for me.
- Eric: Of course I did. Donna... Donna I love you. And I... I...
- [he can't find the words]
- Donna Pinciotti: [Steps forward and kisses him passionately]
- Michael Kelso: You guys can smooch all you want, I totally won!
- [walks off]
- Michael Kelso: Guess who made out with Pam Macey behind the gym!
- Steven Hyde: Anyone with a quarter?
- Michael Kelso: Me!
- Fez: Damn, and I had a quarter!
- Steven Hyde: Guys, can we do something besides cruise? That's the third time tonight we've driven by that house.
- Michael Kelso: I know what we could do. We could go skinny dipping.
- [everyone looks at him]
- Michael Kelso: Naked! That's the way God intended.
- Jackie Burkhardt: No way.
- Michael Kelso: Why not? It'd be fun.
- Donna Pinciotti: Sure, it's fun for you guys, 'cause you can look at us, and that's a treat. But we just look at you. And that's nasty.
- Eric: So, you don't want to do it?
- Donna Pinciotti: Well... I don't care. I'll do it.
- Eric: You... Okay, I'm in.
- Fez: Naked is dirty.
- [singing]
- Fez: Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.
- All: Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.
- Jackie Burkhardt: [the screen flips. Everyone is in the car, naked] This was such a great idea, Michael. This was so much fun. Oh, wait, except for the part when our clothes got stolen, you idiot!
- Steven Hyde: By the way, Fez, nice tattoo, man.
- Fez: Thank you. It is the Blessed Virgin of Yorba Linda. Do you want to see her dance?
- All: No!
- Eric: Guys, we need a plan. I'm not driving up to the house with a car full of naked people. Red hates you guys when you're dressed.
- Steven Hyde: We can go to my house.
- Michael Kelso: Yeah, your mom's used of having naked guys around.
- Steven Hyde: She's not even home, you moron!
- [Hyde punches Kelso on the shoulder]
- Fez: Put on the top forty.
- [Fez reaches over for the radio]
- Steven Hyde: Whoa, sit down, Fez! I see London, I see Besticle!
- Fez: Well, what do you want me to do about it?
- Steven Hyde: I don't know. Tuck it in!
- Michael Kelso: I miss Eric.
- Jackie Burkhardt: Well, you still have me.
- Michael Kelso: It's not the same, Jackie. I can talk to Eric about things that I can't talk about with you.
- Jackie Burkhardt: Okay, well like what?
- Michael Kelso: Well, for instance, the annoying things you do.
- Jackie Burkhardt: Michael.
- Michael Kelso: See, I can't talk to you.
- Michael Kelso: [wearing Eric's pants] Well, the joke's on you, Eric. I'm wearing your pants, and I'm not wearing any underwear.
- Eric: Kelso, the last time I wore those pants, I wasn't wearing any underwear.
- Michael Kelso: [pulling off pants] Well played.
- Red Forman: What are you doing here?
- Michael Kelso: The explanation is in the note.
- Red Forman: [reading the note] Dear Red, we would like for you to give Michael thirty dollars for the game you threw out the window and broke. Signed, my parents.
- [Kitty laughs hysterically, and leaves the room]
- Red Forman: Well, you made her laugh, that's worth at least thirty bucks.
- [Gives Kelso the money]
- [the guys are high in Eric's basement]
- Steven Hyde: I read somewhere that people in India fast, man. And, that it makes them think better. And, sometimes they can actually think themselves to death, man.
- Michael Kelso: I wonder if that's what I'm doing right now? Sometimes my brain is doing things that I don't even know about.
- Eric: Man, we think of some great stuff down here. But, later on I can never remember it.
- Donna Pinciotti: You have the van. We want to go home.
- Michael Kelso: Na-ah! I can't leave Annette. I love her.
- Eric: No, you don't.
- Michael Kelso: I love parts of her.
- Jackie Burkhardt: You're coming over to my house tonight. And we're gonna... "study".
- Michael Kelso: Come on. I never get to do anything fun.
- Steven Hyde: God, you're dumb.
- Michael Kelso: Well I guess that's why I gotta go "STUDY".
- Michael Kelso: I'm sorry. Look, I've been screwed by Darwinism... never needed to evolve listening skills 'cause my looks are so highly developed.
- Donna Pinciotti: Um, that's not how evolution works.
- Michael Kelso: Yeah, sure it is. Look, say I had to catch my own food, right? But I only ate really fast animals? My feet would eventually evolve into rockets.
- Steven Hyde: Man, it's amazing your brain doesn't evolve into pudding.
- Eric: Kelso, I don't know if you should come over to dinner tonight.
- Michael Kelso: Look, I know you think it's gonna be uncomfortable because I'm dating Laurie. But, look, Red loves Laurie, and Laurie loves me. Red has to like me. I mean, what kind of father doesn't love the guy who's nailing his daughter.
- Michael Kelso: C'mon Eric, we never ask you for anything.
- Eric: You guys ask me for everything.
- Michael Kelso: So, what's one more thing?
- Michael Kelso: Fez, the foundation of a good relationship is three little words: I don't know. What're you doing? I don't know. What're you thinking about? I don't know. Who's that under you? I don't know.