Wilmer Valderrama credited as playing...
Fez
- Michael Kelso: Guess who made out with Pam Macey behind the gym!
- Steven Hyde: Anyone with a quarter?
- Michael Kelso: Me!
- Fez: Damn, and I had a quarter!
- Steven Hyde: Guys, can we do something besides cruise? That's the third time tonight we've driven by that house.
- Michael Kelso: I know what we could do. We could go skinny dipping.
- [everyone looks at him]
- Michael Kelso: Naked! That's the way God intended.
- Jackie Burkhardt: No way.
- Michael Kelso: Why not? It'd be fun.
- Donna Pinciotti: Sure, it's fun for you guys, 'cause you can look at us, and that's a treat. But we just look at you. And that's nasty.
- Eric: So, you don't want to do it?
- Donna Pinciotti: Well... I don't care. I'll do it.
- Eric: You... Okay, I'm in.
- Fez: Naked is dirty.
- [singing]
- Fez: Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.
- All: Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.
- Jackie Burkhardt: [the screen flips. Everyone is in the car, naked] This was such a great idea, Michael. This was so much fun. Oh, wait, except for the part when our clothes got stolen, you idiot!
- Steven Hyde: By the way, Fez, nice tattoo, man.
- Fez: Thank you. It is the Blessed Virgin of Yorba Linda. Do you want to see her dance?
- All: No!
- Eric: Guys, we need a plan. I'm not driving up to the house with a car full of naked people. Red hates you guys when you're dressed.
- Steven Hyde: We can go to my house.
- Michael Kelso: Yeah, your mom's used of having naked guys around.
- Steven Hyde: She's not even home, you moron!
- [Hyde punches Kelso on the shoulder]
- Fez: Put on the top forty.
- [Fez reaches over for the radio]
- Steven Hyde: Whoa, sit down, Fez! I see London, I see Besticle!
- Fez: Well, what do you want me to do about it?
- Steven Hyde: I don't know. Tuck it in!
- Fez: I have a question Hyde. How much masturbation is too much?
- Steven Hyde: There's no such thing as too much, Fez.
- Jackie Burkhardt: Eric, no offense, I know she's your sister, but Laurie is such a whore.
- Eric: Jackie, not since the "Smokey and the Bandit" debate, are you and I so on the same page.
- Donna Pinciotti: Me too.
- Steven Hyde: Hear hear.
- Fez: Yes.
- Jackie Burkhardt: Oh, my God. You all hate Laurie?
- [Everyone nods]
- Jackie Burkhardt: I don't believe this. You all hate Laurie, and love me.
- Steven Hyde: ...We all hate Laurie, all right.
- Fez: Eric, what do you want to call it when you want to stick two pieces of wood together?
- Eric: I think you'd call it "nailing", Fez. Just like Kelso nailed Hyde's sister.
- Steven Hyde: How long have you two been planning that line out?
- Eric: For about as long as it took Kelso to nail your sister.
- Fez: Wow, my first X-rated movie. I don't know what's going on, but that is the luckiest pizza boy ever.
- Fez: Poor Hyde. You are in love with Donna and she's with your good friend Eric.
- Steven Hyde: So what?
- Fez: So it's the saddest story in the world.
- Steven Hyde: You know what? I had a chance, and I didn't take it.
- Red Forman: What the hell happened?
- Steven Hyde: Eric made out with Laurie's friend.
- Red Forman: Anything else?
- Fez: Your son is a whore.
- Kelso: Whatever. You know, none of this is as bad as Hyde not telling me. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna make him tell me.
- Donna: How are you gonna do that?
- Michael Kelso: By outwitting him conversationally. What a fine game of cat and mouse it will be.
- Eric: So what are you gonna say?
- Michael Kelso: Oh, it'll come to me in the moment.
- Donna: Don't you think you should plan it out a little?
- Michael Kelso: Does an astronaut plan out his missions?
- Fez: What happens in cat and mouse if the cat is retarded?
- Michael Kelso: Oh, you just wait and see.
- Fez: I wonder what's up with Jackie. She looks scared... like a deer in the headlights caught with its pants down.
- Michael Kelso: Guys, I was making out with Pam Macy in the orchestra pit. And... the worst thing that could happen to a guy happened.
- Fez: Ohhhh. Mr. Cooper came in to wash the floors?
- Michael Kelso: No.
- Steven Hyde: Fez, I think what Kelso meant to say was... the rabbit wouldn't come out of his hat.
- Eric: The weasel wouldn't pop out.
- Michael Kelso: OK, ENOUGH.
- Eric: Oh, wait. There's a lot of Amish people, but they never raised a barn.
- Steven Hyde: That's a good one Forman.
- Eric: I know, it just came to me.
- Fez: Oh, I get it. The barn is Kelso's pants.
- Michael Kelso: This can't be happening to me.
- Fez: Oh, don't worry Kelso. I'm really sorry... SORRY YOU'RE NOT A MAN.
- Eric: Gentlemen, we have finally done it. A pot leaf on the water tower.
- Fez: This is the proudest moment of my life.
- Steven Hyde: It doesn't look like a pot leaf. It looks like its giving me the finger.
- Michael Kelso: Well it doesn't have to look perfect Hyde, it's art.