Topher Grace credited as playing...
Eric Forman
- Red Forman: What have I said about comparing your sister to the Devil?
- Eric: That it's offensive to the Devil?
- Eric: Bad things keep happening to me, like I have bad luck or something.
- Red Forman: Son, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you? is because you're a dumbass.
- Red Forman: [Red and Eric are in the car almost late for work at Pricemart]
- [to Eric]
- Red Forman: You need to grow up and learn some responsibility.
- Eric: I love you too, Dad.
- Red Forman: What? Stop being weird.
- Eric: Thanks.
- Donna Pinciotti: [on the California beach] I miss Eric. That guy even looks like Eric.
- [Double take]
- Donna Pinciotti: Eric? Oh my God, Eric!
- Eric: [Looking around Kelso's van, he turns sharp at Donna's voice] Donna!
- [They run to each other in slow motion, Kelso tries to run along side Donna, but Donna pushes him down; they stop short of each other, just staring deeply into each other's eyes for a long moment and then... Kelso tackles Donna, wrestling her to the ground. Incredulous]
- Eric: Kelso, what the Hell are you doing?
- Michael Kelso: Winning!
- [Donna gets free, stands up and kicks Kelso in the side, then returns to looking at Eric]
- Donna Pinciotti: Eric... I can't believe you came for me.
- Eric: Of course I did. Donna... Donna I love you. And I... I...
- [he can't find the words]
- Donna Pinciotti: [Steps forward and kisses him passionately]
- Michael Kelso: You guys can smooch all you want, I totally won!
- [walks off]
- Eric: [badly hungover] My head hurts.
- Red Forman: That's your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.
- Steven Hyde: Guys, can we do something besides cruise? That's the third time tonight we've driven by that house.
- Michael Kelso: I know what we could do. We could go skinny dipping.
- [everyone looks at him]
- Michael Kelso: Naked! That's the way God intended.
- Jackie Burkhardt: No way.
- Michael Kelso: Why not? It'd be fun.
- Donna Pinciotti: Sure, it's fun for you guys, 'cause you can look at us, and that's a treat. But we just look at you. And that's nasty.
- Eric: So, you don't want to do it?
- Donna Pinciotti: Well... I don't care. I'll do it.
- Eric: You... Okay, I'm in.
- Fez: Naked is dirty.
- [singing]
- Fez: Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.
- All: Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.
- Jackie Burkhardt: [the screen flips. Everyone is in the car, naked] This was such a great idea, Michael. This was so much fun. Oh, wait, except for the part when our clothes got stolen, you idiot!
- Steven Hyde: By the way, Fez, nice tattoo, man.
- Fez: Thank you. It is the Blessed Virgin of Yorba Linda. Do you want to see her dance?
- All: No!
- Eric: Guys, we need a plan. I'm not driving up to the house with a car full of naked people. Red hates you guys when you're dressed.
- Steven Hyde: We can go to my house.
- Michael Kelso: Yeah, your mom's used of having naked guys around.
- Steven Hyde: She's not even home, you moron!
- [Hyde punches Kelso on the shoulder]
- Fez: Put on the top forty.
- [Fez reaches over for the radio]
- Steven Hyde: Whoa, sit down, Fez! I see London, I see Besticle!
- Fez: Well, what do you want me to do about it?
- Steven Hyde: I don't know. Tuck it in!
- Red: Nothing around this house is cheap.
- Eric: Except for Laurie.
- Laurie Forman: I am not cheap!
- Eric: Free, whatever.
- Jackie Burkhardt: Eric, no offense, I know she's your sister, but Laurie is such a whore.
- Eric: Jackie, not since the "Smokey and the Bandit" debate, are you and I so on the same page.
- Donna Pinciotti: Me too.
- Steven Hyde: Hear hear.
- Fez: Yes.
- Jackie Burkhardt: Oh, my God. You all hate Laurie?
- [Everyone nods]
- Jackie Burkhardt: I don't believe this. You all hate Laurie, and love me.
- Steven Hyde: ...We all hate Laurie, all right.
- Red: [after Eric refused to be Donna's boyfriend again] Let me get this straight - Donna told you she wanted to get back together and you said NO?
- Eric: I said no.
- Red: What the Hell is wrong with you?
- Kitty Forman: Dumbass!
- [Red looks at Kitty in surprise]
- Eric: Look, I have my reasons, okay?
- Red: What the Hell could they possibly be?
- Eric: Casey dumps Donna and then Donna comes running back to ME? Look, I'm not a rebound, All right?
- Red: You're too PROUD to take her back? What exactly do you have to be proud OF? You're not an athelete! The only thing smart about you is your mouth! And, well... look at you!
- Michael Kelso: [wearing Eric's pants] Well, the joke's on you, Eric. I'm wearing your pants, and I'm not wearing any underwear.
- Eric: Kelso, the last time I wore those pants, I wasn't wearing any underwear.
- Michael Kelso: [pulling off pants] Well played.
- Kitty Forman: I have bad news. Midge left Bob.
- Eric: Are you sure? I mean, she could just be lost in the backyard.
- [the guys are high in Eric's basement]
- Steven Hyde: I read somewhere that people in India fast, man. And, that it makes them think better. And, sometimes they can actually think themselves to death, man.
- Michael Kelso: I wonder if that's what I'm doing right now? Sometimes my brain is doing things that I don't even know about.
- Eric: Man, we think of some great stuff down here. But, later on I can never remember it.
- Donna Pinciotti: You have the van. We want to go home.
- Michael Kelso: Na-ah! I can't leave Annette. I love her.
- Eric: No, you don't.
- Michael Kelso: I love parts of her.
- Fez: Eric, what do you want to call it when you want to stick two pieces of wood together?
- Eric: I think you'd call it "nailing", Fez. Just like Kelso nailed Hyde's sister.
- Steven Hyde: How long have you two been planning that line out?
- Eric: For about as long as it took Kelso to nail your sister.
- Eric: Donna can't be smarter than me because I'm the man, and that's just the way it is.
- Kitty Forman: Well, I do better on tests than your father, but he's the one brave enough to kill spiders. And since we've been married how many tests have I taken? None. How many spiders have your father killed? Hundreds.
- Eric: But, Mom... SPIDERS FREAK ME OUT.
- Kitty Forman: I really doubt that she's jsut abandoning Stephen, I mean, she's his mother.
- Eric: Mom, her exact words were "I know I'm your mother but I'm abandoning you."
- Eric: [on the new water heater] This is the best water heater ever. God bless us, every one.
- Red Forman: Do you know why Tiny Tim walked with a crutch?
- Eric: Because he had a smart mouth?
- Red Forman: That's right.
- Eric: Kelso, I don't know if you should come over to dinner tonight.
- Michael Kelso: Look, I know you think it's gonna be uncomfortable because I'm dating Laurie. But, look, Red loves Laurie, and Laurie loves me. Red has to like me. I mean, what kind of father doesn't love the guy who's nailing his daughter.
- Michael Kelso: C'mon Eric, we never ask you for anything.
- Eric: You guys ask me for everything.
- Michael Kelso: So, what's one more thing?