Jim Varney credited as playing...
Carl Banks
- Buddy: [taking off Carl's fake women's eyelashes] What'd you put these on with, airplane glue?
- Carl Banks: Ouch! How do I look?
- Buddy: Like a movie star.
- Carl Banks: Yeah, which one?
- Buddy: Ever see Nightmare on Elm Street?
- Timmy Taylor: [the boys find out Principal Ott is Carl's old boss who had him turned in] Ott the Snot! I mean, Principal Snot, I mean...
- Principal Ott: Timmy Taylor...
- Carl Banks: You two know each other?
- Boys: He's our principal!
- Carl Banks: [to Ott] They let you work with kids?
- Principal Ott: Who would ever suspect an elementary school principal?
- Timmy Taylor: We checked out the old Johnson place.
- Carl Banks: I told you kids to stay away from there, you could get hurt.
- Stevie: Or worse, we know.
- Timmy Taylor: There were these two guys there, they looked like cops.
- Carl Banks: They are cops, not the kind you want to run into. They're the boss's guys, he keeps them around to minimize suspicion.
- Timmy Taylor: What happened to you, Carl?
- Carl Banks: Do you remember that night the old Johnson house caught fire? I was there. I was one of the firemen.
- Timmy Taylor: Are you serious?
- Carl Banks: I remember that night like it was yesterday. Smoke was so black and thick as coal. Flames were lapping around my heels. My men and I heard screams from the second floor. We ran upstairs. The place was all collapsing around us. I kicked inside this bedroom door. I rushed in.
- [sighs]
- Stevie: Yeah. And then?
- Carl Banks: And the floor collapsed. And the next thing I knew, I looked up at the kitchen floor down below. I had a blazing inferno all around me. I couldn't move. I've never been so scared in my whole life. My men managed to get the kids to safety. By the time they rescued me, I was crying like a baby. I just lost my nerve I guess.
- Timmy Taylor: But you were still a hero.
- Carl Banks: Yeah. Some hero. Anyway, I couldn't do that job anymore after. So... so I quit. I had no job. No prospects. Suddenly, my savings started to run low. I got desperate. So, I thought of doing one quick score. It's when I fell in with a bad bunch. And, that's when I started, like...
- Timmy Taylor: When you started making funny money.
- Carl Banks: There's nothing funny about it, Timmy. It's downright mesmerizing. Every time we ran out of money, we just print some more. It was like having the world in your fingertips. Anything you ever wanted? Fancy cars. Jewelry. Champagne. Women. Let me tell you about the women.
- [Timmy, Stevie, and Buddy lean in a little closer.]
- Carl Banks: Oh, sorry. Haha. Anyway, um, we were living a pretty grand lifestyle until we became careless. The feds started sniffing around and that's when my so-called partner set me up.
- Buddy: So, what happened?
- Carl Banks: I got hauled off to jail by the same crooked cops I worked with. But I outsmarted them. I stole their money plates. I hid them in the old Johnson place. Which was where we were printing the money.
- Timmy Taylor: So, you escaped to get the plates.
- Carl Banks: Yeah. I thought I'd print enough money to get out of the country. Before I could get the second plate, they caught me. So, I just took off running. The next thing I know, I ended up here. Some hero, huh? Stupid's more like it.