Linda Bassett credited as playing...
Ella Khan
- [Saleem accidentally drops a fake vagina on Mrs. Shah's lap]
- Mrs. Shah: This is an insult to me and my family! I will never allow my daughters to marry into this junglee family of half-breeds!
- Ella Khan: Well, they may be half-bred, but at least they're not friggin' inbred like them two monstrosities.
- George Khan: Ella!
- Ella Khan: Never mind "Ella". Who the frig do you think you are? You come in here, telling me that my house isn't good enough for your daughters? Well, your daughters aren't good enough for my sons, or my house, and if I hear another word against my family, I will stick that fanny over your bastard head!
- [Mrs. Shah leaves without a word]
- Mr. Shah: [to George] Your wife's a disgrace.
- Ella Khan: Oh, go on, piss off! Go on, sling your bleedin' hook! Go on, piss off! Piss off out of my house! And take Laurel and Hardy with ya!
- [a lecherous Dalmatian leaps onto Mrs. Shah]
- [Ella throws the Shahs out of the house]
- George Khan: You bastard bitch. You bring shame on the family
- Ella Khan: No, you should be ashamed, George. Because you're not interested in these kids being happy. You just want to prove to everybody what a great man you are. Because you're ashamed of me, George, and you're ashamed of our kids. And you won't even admit it.
- [In the hospital following Sajid's circumcision]
- George Khan: Tickle-Tackle all gone?
- Doctor: [Puzzled] Circumcision was absolutely fine.
- George Khan: You Indian?
- Ella Khan: [whispering] George.
- George Khan: [to Ella] Bastard Indian.
- Ella Khan: They filmed "The Dambusters" here.
- Meenah Khan: Mam, you say that EVERY TIME we come to Bradford.
- Ella Khan: Well, they bloody did.
- Meenah Khan: [Heard by Mrs Shah from outside, referring to the Shahs' daughters] Have you seen the state of them two? The one with the teeth's got a mustache like Dad.
- Maneer Khan: Tariq's looks like Quasimodo.
- Ella Khan: Kids eh. Were your two like that, Mrs. Shah?
- Mrs. Shah: [Sternly] No. I believe in strict discipline. Especially in a NON-Pakistani environment.