Molly Shannon credited as playing...
Mary Katherine Gallagher
- Grandma Gallagher: We've got two days to the big show. So when I say kick, you want to kick. And when I say dip, you dip. And when I say tap, you tap. And when I say...
- Mary Katherine Gallagher: They get it, Grandma. They get it. They get it.
- Grandma Gallagher: I've got two more. And when I say booga-booga, you booga-booga.
- Maria Ganitisis: What's "booga-booga" mean?
- Grandma Gallagher: I don't know. But if I say it, you better fuckin' figure it out.
- Mary Katherine Gallagher: These are my BREASTS. They're so BIG. I need a BRA to strap them and support because they're so HUGE they need to be hooked and strapped for support. My big boobs, this one is bigger than this one 'cause is the mommy and that's the baby. And this one is very nice to this one and they hold hands because they're FRIENDS!
- Mary Katherine Gallagher: Father, my sins would best be expressed in a monologue from the made-for-TV movie "Sybil", starring a young Miss Sally Field as a woman with multiple personality disorder.
- Father John Insomnic: Go ahead.
- Mary Katherine Gallagher: Ah, look at ya. My pretty little girl. Sittin' there with her face all painted up and a little halter top. You're nothing but a little *slut*. Don't call me that. I'm a Puerto Rican lady, señor. We all know you're a slut, Sybil Anne Dorsett. We know you're a little slut! No, I'm not! I'm not a slut! I'm not a slut! I'm not a slut! I'm not a slut! I'm not a slut! I ain 't no slut!
- Mary Katherine Gallagher: [to Evian] Well, you should be embarrassed because your parents named you after bottled water!
- Grandma Gallagher: It's time I told you how your parents died.
- Mary Katherine Gallagher: What does that have to do with a talent contest?
- Grandma Gallagher: Everything.
- Mary Katherine Gallagher: I thought you said that mom and dad were savagely ripped apart and eaten by a school of hammerhead sharks.
- Grandma Gallagher: I just told you that to make you feel better.
- Mary Katherine Gallagher: Are you aware that I am rubber, and you are glue, and whatever you say to me bounces off, of me, and sticks to you? So put that in your, back pocket.
- Mary Katherine Gallagher: Sometimes, when I get nervous, I stick my hands under my armpits and then I smell them like this!
- Helen Lewengrub: Remember, he said you have nice moves. That means he was looking at your body, which means he thinks you're doable. So basically, he asked you to sleep with him.
- Mary Katherine Gallagher: Oh my goodness, this relationship is moving too fast.
- Grandma Gallagher: Mary Katherine, what are you doing?
- Mary Katherine Gallagher: I'm using my telekineses to kill the girl who poured pig's blood on me at the prom.
- Father Ritley: Miss Gallagher, what was that horrible thing you said to Sister Eileen?
- Mary Katherine Gallagher: I told her to move her big white butt or I would cold cock her honky ass.
- Father Ritley: To Sister Eileen? Why would you say such a thing?
- Mary Katherine Gallagher: The video store where I work got Spike Lee movies.
- Mary Katherine Gallagher: [talking to a stop sign] No, I do like you. But it's too soon. You just broke up with her. We can't.
- [flirtatiously hits the pole]
- Mary Katherine Gallagher: Stop making me laugh.
- [starts French-kissing the pole and moaning]
- Helen Lewengrub: What if they make fun of us?
- Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay. I just wanna say one thing to all of you. Don't listen to the names that people call you. If you believe in yourself, then nobody can hurt you. You are your own rainbow.
- Maria Ganitisis: Wow. That's really insightful.
- Mary Katherine Gallagher: That's from "The Initiation of Sarah", starring Miss Shelley Winters.
- Mary Katherine Gallagher: Oh my God!
- Jesus: Oh my Me! How are you?
- Mary Katherine Gallagher: It's going OK. Are you the Lord?
- Jesus: Well, to you I am. See, technically, you're, like, in this REM sleep state, and I'm a mixture of your mind's images of God, some past authority figures, uh, Sky, and your dad. Basically, your subconcsious came up with me to help you deal. Dig?
- Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah... uh, you want a glass of water or something?
- Jesus: No, I'm good. I'm God!
- Mary Katherine Gallagher: Oh. Right.
- Mary Katherine Gallagher: So what really happened to your parents?
- Slater: They were savagely ripped apart and eaten by a school of hammerhead sharks.
- Mary Katherine Gallagher: That happens a lot.
- Mary Katherine Gallagher: Helen, have you ever kissed a boy before?
- Helen Lewengrub: Owen kissed me five times on the cheek once.
- Mary Katherine Gallagher: Really?
- Helen Lewengrub: Hey, Owen.
- Owen Flanagan: Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.
- Helen Lewengrub: What if they make fun of us?
- Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay, I just wanna say one thing to all of you. Don't listen to the names that people call you. If you believe in yourself, then nobody can hurt you. You are your own rainbow.
- Maria Ganitisis: Wow. That's really insightful.
- Mary Katherine Gallagher: That's from 'The Initiation Of Sarah' starring Miss Shelley Winters.
- Maria Ganitisis: Yeah?
- Howard Feinstein: Cool.
- Mary Katherine Gallagher: [coming home late after auditioning] I stayed after school to study business.