James Dreyfus credited as playing...
Tom
- Linda: Should have taken in a show. I love a good play.
- [Tom looks at her in disbelief]
- Tom: You? The last play you went to see was "The Chip 'n' dales"; which, incidentally, is not a play.
- Linda: It was in a theatre. It had an interval. I had ice cream.
- Tom: The theatre should be exciting.
- Linda: I was stuck to my seat.
- Linda La Hughes: Tom, I can't be a lesbian, I mean, look at me, I'm gorgeous!
- Tom: Loads of lezzers are gorgeous! Take...
- [Thinks for a long time]
- Tom: Velma from Scooby Doo.
- Linda La Hughes: D'you know, I think they must a got a puppy for Christmas, cos I could hear her fella shouting in the background "I'm not havin' that dog back in my house" and then she said "party's off".
- [Tom pauses for a moment to absorbs this, and then we see a smirk come across his face]
- Tom: You're such a sad bitch!
- Linda La Hughes: No, Tom! Don't go near the windows! Don't go near the windows!
- Tom: Why?
- Linda La Hughes: Umm... Because Tom, Did you know that 175% of all drive-by shootings happen near French Windows?
- Tom: Twiggy preserve us.. One is no longer safe in one's own home... It's like that really scary movie, that really violent one. Damn, what's it called? Chocolate Orange!
- Tom: [on the phone] Oh, hang on, I'll ask my PA...
- [pretending to call his PA]
- Tom: P.A.! P.A.!
- Linda La Hughes: [gives him a look] P. Off!
- Tom: Oh, what do you know about love?
- Linda La Hughes: I know it's in the dictionary between labia and lust.
- Linda La Hughes: I Love smoking, me... Mummy gave me my first ciggy when I was 10, and I've never looked back!
- Tom: Well, I've got to say, Linda, this is a surprise.
- Linda La Hughes: Tom... You know I smoke.
- Tom: What have you done? You foolish, foolish child!
- Linda La Hughes: I've opened our back garden up as a camp site.
- Simon Shepherd: Is that physically possible with a bar of soap?
- Tom: Two words, Simon - patience and practice.
- Beverly-Jane: Oh, Beverly-Anne. Can you get the keys for 315 please?
- Beverly-Anne: Can-do Beverly-Jane.
- Beverly-Jane: Off your face on pills, Sir?
- Tom: I am twatted!
- Beverly-Jane: Is that a Welsh name, Sir?
- Beverly-Anne: 315, Sir!
- Tom: Wait, wait, wait. This is not what it looks like! We are brothers and we are only sharing 1 room because it's cheaper than two.
- Beverly-Anne: Good night, Sir! And happy shagging. Do you think they're on drugs, Beverly-Jane?
- Beverly-Jane: I don't know about them, But I'm buzzing my nut off, Beverly-Anne.
- Beverly-Anne: Hmm, me too. Beverly-Jane.
- [the two start dancing idiotically]