Matt Besser credited as playing...
Adair • Various
- Captain Lunatic: It's time for you to come out of weed heaven and Potville for a second and give me a little informationi, a little Captain Lunatic time!
- Bong Boy: Hey, let me down!
- Captain Lunatic: Now, what do you know about this missing McMadison girl?
- Bong Boy: Oh yeah. Last night I saw her and her husband.
- Captain Lunatic: Husband?
- Bong Boy: Yeah. He was drunk and his face was all pixilated. Wait a second. That might have been on Cops last night.
- Captain Lunatic: You wanna play games, huh? Old Lunatic's got a game for you, called junkie quit hitting yourself!
- [makes him hit himself]
- Bong Boy: Ahh! Ahh! Make me stop!
- Captain Lunatic: I can't make you stop! You're the one doing it!
- Bong Boy: Ow! Make me want to stop!
- Captain Lunatic: Oh no. What does this look like?
- [pretends to steal his nose]
- Bong Boy: That's my nose!
- Captain Lunatic: I got your damn nose, punk! You ain't ever ever gonna see this nose again!
- [swallows his "nose"]
- Bong Boy: Ahh! I need one of those.
- Captain Lunatic: Aw, God. I could go to hell for this. Get down. Hold the gun.
- Bong Boy: Huh?
- Captain Lunatic: What does this feel like?
- [pretends to crack an egg over his head]
- Bong Boy: Ahhh! That's an egg!
- Captain Lunatic: That's an egg!
- [pretends to break another egg]
- Bong Boy: Oh, no!
- Captain Lunatic: That's another. That's two friggin' eggs! You look ridiculous!
- Bluto: [discussing a "dolphin centric" SAT test] Humans rule! Dolphins can suck it!
- Woman: Those tests should be burned, and then banned, and then burned again!
- Alderman: Hear hear!
- Leo: [a Jimmy Stewart parody] What, what, are we back in Nazi Germany? We should befriend the dolphins! Instead you're acting like a bunch of Hitlers! A lot of you even look like Hitler! Joe smells like Hitler. Barney Riggly, the postmaster colonal himself, he sneezes like Hitler!
- Postmaster: [German voice] I do not!
- [sneezes like Hitler]
- Alderman: How is it you know so much about Hitler?
- Leo: Well, I'm a big fan!
- Mike: You just told me this is all just some fake virtual reality matrix! She doesn't even exist!
- Sandy: [with a beard] Mike, there's a hurricane outside! We're gonna be stuck here for hours, we'd better get along!
- Mike: Hurricane?
- [sees that there is now a hurricane, and he has different clothes]
- Mike: What happened to the snowstorm? What am I saying, you're just raping me!
- Young: Don't get all high and mighty! You sent me crap-covered letters!
- Mike: No! I didn't, that just happened in my fake virtual reality! Nothing that's happened for the past 10 years of my life is real!
- Sandy: Hey, at least you didn't really have to go to France.
- Young: And at least you weren't forced to eat your own edible panties.
- Crow: Actually, no. I do make him eat edible panties. You've sustained on nothing else for the past 10 years.
- Adair: Forget cyborgs. What about some more money for my cloning experiments?
- Antoine: What cloning experiments?
- Adair: The cloning experiments of your momma.
- [Antoine throws his Chinese health balls at Adair]
- Colby: Antoine, it's true. Adair cloned your momma. He has her working down in the Inner Sanctum kitchen. Speaking of which, here comes lunch.
- [Antoine's mother enters, carrying a tray of sandwiches]
- Antoine: Why did you make a clone of my mother?
- Adair: You're the one always speaking so highly of her.
- Antoine: You need to leave my mother alone!
- Adair: That's not what your momma was saying last night.
- Colby: It's true, Antoine. Last night, your momma said she'd be honored to have her DNA spread throughout society. She's a real credit to the cause.
- Trotter: Thank you, Ping-Pong. Just, uh, put the rest of the sandwiches over there by the distipulator.
- Antoine: You named my mother Ping-Pong?
- Adair: Yeah, cause your momma has knees like ping-pong balls. When she walks, they're like, "ping, pong." Anyway, it's better than what Trotter named his Antoine momma clones that he has working on his car!
- Trotter: Look, Beepo, Porkchop, and Potbelly have nothing to do with this conversation.
- Alderman: It's been an hour, and Leo still doesn't have any support for his plan to defeat God to avoid Armaggedon.
- Leo: [carrying bags of letters] Look, look at all these letters! There's bags and bags of it, just like I was saying! Here, look!
- Alderman: These are just random letters! Here's a letter from a boy in band camp, utility bill, super coupons!
- Leo: The mail truck's full of them!
- Alderman: This doesn't support anything, you've just robbed a mail truck!
- Leo: Well, it just said there were letters.
- Sandy: [four NASA employees are saying the worst things they did to each other] Okay... Mike. After about a year of us working together at NASA, I had that spare set of keys to your apartment. So, one day I thought it would be a funny joke if I snuck into your apartment while you were out of town, went into your bathroom and... took a crap on your floor.
- [laughs]
- Mike: What? That terrified me, I thought it was a Mafia death threat!
- Sandy: Come on. Jesus, Mike, I didn't know this game was gonna be about judgement.
- Mike: I couldn't sleep after that! I'd lie awake clutching a butcher's knife!
- Crow: Mike, this isn't about winning or losing. We're just playing.
- Sandy: Yeah, really! I'm sure you did something to us that's just as bad.
- Mike: Al lright... well, Young, I played a prank on you.
- Young: Okay.
- Mike: You remember I sent you all those letters from Belgium? I never went to Belgium.
- Young: Well, that's okay, no big deal.
- Mike: No, no, no, that's not the prank. See, I felt so violated that someone had crapped on my bathroom floor, that I smeared the crap over the letters that I sent to you.
- Sandy: Eww!
- Young: You told me that was Belgium chocolate! I believed you!
- Sandy: Okay, don't get mad. This is not about judgement.
- Young: But why would somebody do something like that?
- Mike: I was in a rough place, I wasn't sleeping! Sandy crapped on my bathroom floor!
- Crow: Guys! We're not keeping score here, we're just playing.
- Young: Okay... Crow. You know how last summer, we'd go to your home and you'd serve us some sweet cold drinks, and I never wanted any ice in mine?
- Crow: Yeah.
- Young: Well, that's cause I used to break into your basement every night, through a window, and... sneak upstairs while everyone was sleeping... jack off your dad and put it in the ice cube trays.
- Crow: My ice cube trays?
- Young: Look, I don't know why! Okay, I'm screwed up!
- Sandy: Hey, remember, no judging!
- Crow: My ice cube trays!
- Mike: Why are you so upset about the ice cube trays, if I were you I'd... Oh, my God! Nine months before my mother gave birth to my baby brother, I thought it'd be a funny joke if I took one of the ice cubes from Crow's freeze and stuck it in her... Oh my God! My brother's father is... Agh!
- Sandy: Oh, that's bad! Oh!
- Raymond: Camp Counselor Chip, I have something to confess!
- Camp Counselor: [exhausted] Yes, Raymond, what to you want to confess?
- Raymond: I want to confess... that i want you to walk on hot coals like the Freak at the fair!