Champagne and Bullets

There's a whole category of mostly subterranean movies in which some schmoe who's had delusions of grandeur his whole life spent his savings to bankroll a vanity project starring (and often writtten/directed/produced by) himself. The most famous example is of course Tommy Wiseau's "The Room," which actually managed to become a cult phenomenon. A few others have gained a little notoriety among seekers of camp gold, and there's a sort of subgenre in which some guy apparently thought "I must be the next Bruce Lee!" because he's the star of his local karate studio, never realizing that "block of wood" isn't just something to hand-chop, but the way his acting would be described. But most such films languish in obscurity, because they were perceived as too amateurish for release initially, then were entirely forgotten.

This is one of those movies, although I gather some people have actually heard of it. (I hadn't, until now.) It's an excruciatingly dumb, basic hero-vs.-criminal-bad-guys opus, with "You killed the only woman I ever loved" as plot motivation, though it takes quite a while to get to that point. There are scattered professional aspects-the photography is mostly acceptable on a direct-to-video B-flick level-but the script is atrocious and there's a lot of just idiotic filler, particularly in the realm of women with implants going topless for no discernible reason, and Wings Hauser improvising painfully as some kind of Method Nightmare comedic sidekick. But the main issue is writer-director-star-producer John De Hart, whose only screen credit this is-and no wonder. He's 50-ish gent of average looks, in decent shape for his age, but who has all the charisma of a paperweight. He is not an actor, has little apparent personality, and despite all selling of his character as one tough ex-cop hombre, does not demonstrate any particular martial-arts or other physical skills. (We see him use a punching bag several times, which is pretty underwhelming.) Worse by far, he seems to think he can sing-and he sings several vaguely "country" songs he wrote, including a "Shimmy Slide" that occasions the lamest imaginable line-dance accompaniment. Anyway, his singing must be heard...if you can stand it. It's beyond belief. Incredible that someone could be that bad (is he sharp? is he flat? is he even hitting what one would call "notes"?) and have no idea.

Anyway, "GetEven" aka "Road to Revenge" is a little too inept to be consistently hilarious; sometimes it just lays there. But it does have some camp value. William Smith manages to be simultaneously hammy and bored as the chief villain, with his leering thugs including a ringer for Fabio; the women, clearly cast for assets other than "acting ability," are uniformly dreadful; oh, and there are baby-sacrificing Satanists. This is the kind of movie so arbitrary that the latter element, which would tend to take center stage in most stories where it's included, instead plays here as sort of narrative afterthought.

A fun bad movie, but not a great bad movie, or one I'd watch again-hence the 5.

I have watched numerous awful films during my life thanks to a strange love affair with bad movies fostered by Mystery Science Theater 3000 and now Rifftrax. One thing I have to say about this film right off the bat, is that it was really entertaining. Very bad to be sure, but it had me laughing. It also may have been edited awfully, but it looks like a movie.

The story has a drug bust gone wrong and two cops get set up by there boss whose name I thought was Norman, but was actually Norbad or something. Not important as we follow this guys as one reunites with the love of his life then serenades her with an awful song! A satanic cult enters the picture and soon we have a revenge...well after a lot of horrible songs.

The cast has a guy, Hart who literally made thus film, kind of like the guy who did Dangerous Men. Wings Hauser is in this, feel kind of bad for him as he at times chews the scenery and at other times looks bored. The cult leader/officer/judge sounds like his voice is lined with gravel. It literally sounds like it hurts for him to speak, thank goodness he did not have a song.

So it was a fun watch and really bad film. Lots of boob shots and lots of champagne. Not as many bullets as the title might imply. Take the horrible songs out and it may be a better film, but would probably reduce the comedy value. The guy who made this obviously had a high opinion of himself and thanks to that we got this!

John de Hart wrote, produced, starred, directed, and did the singing and music composition for this "I Love Me" film. And he was a trainwreck at each job, even after 3 reworks. His character is a Mary Sue of course (or whatever the male equivalent is), but ironically when he is onstage at the "bar" singing one of his own songs, he has this cringeworthy "deer in the headlights" look the entire time. Using another of his songs as an overlay also sucks the life and any eroticism out of what should be an exciting scene where the main gets to undress and have fun with a Playboy centerfold. And unlike Neil Breen and Ed Wood films, this movie simply has no charm to create some kind of saving grace. There is no path forward to recommend this in any way.

It's hard to rate this because some of it is jaw-droopingly awesome (in a terrible way) but the rest is horrendously boring and serves no purpose other than to stoke De Hart's ego. Did we really need so many sex scenes? I'm sure John De Hart says so. With a little more editing and a couple more action scenes, this could have been Miami Connection good, instead it's just blah.

Well, they're sleek and they're slidin' all across the floor Groovin' two-by-two, stompin' for some more That's when my eyes catch you and my heart begins to sing Oh pretty baby I imagine you can swing The beat starts a-movin as they push me from my chair My fingers start a-snappin' when I run 'em through your hair I got to get to you, but I get to the side Cause everybody's doin' the shimmy and the slide You're on fire when I grab you by the hand Your waist is movin' with the rhythm of the band My eyes swell up as you take me for a ride Come on pretty baby, let's do the shimmy slide Well, I've had a couple beers and I'm feeling just right I'm sweatin' all over cause her dress is so tight I try to act cool, but you just won't stop Oh pretty baby, you make me so HOT It's time to go home, you're gonna jump in your car I know I got it started 'cause my heart's on fire You say jump in, let's go for a ride Maybe we'll do the shimmy and the slide You're heart's on fire when I grab you by the hand Your waist is movin' with the rhythm of the band My eyes swell up as you take me for a ride Come on pretty baby, let's do the shimmy slide HOOO! Let's do it again!

Oh, you're on fire when I grab you by the hand Your waist is movin' with the rhythm of the band My eyes swell up as you take me for a ride Come on pretty baby, let's do the shimmy slide HOT DAMN!"