Champagne and Bullets

I have watched numerous awful films during my life thanks to a strange love affair with bad movies fostered by Mystery Science Theater 3000 and now Rifftrax. One thing I have to say about this film right off the bat, is that it was really entertaining. Very bad to be sure, but it had me laughing. It also may have been edited awfully, but it looks like a movie.

The story has a drug bust gone wrong and two cops get set up by there boss whose name I thought was Norman, but was actually Norbad or something. Not important as we follow this guys as one reunites with the love of his life then serenades her with an awful song! A satanic cult enters the picture and soon we have a revenge...well after a lot of horrible songs.

The cast has a guy, Hart who literally made thus film, kind of like the guy who did Dangerous Men. Wings Hauser is in this, feel kind of bad for him as he at times chews the scenery and at other times looks bored. The cult leader/officer/judge sounds like his voice is lined with gravel. It literally sounds like it hurts for him to speak, thank goodness he did not have a song.

So it was a fun watch and really bad film. Lots of boob shots and lots of champagne. Not as many bullets as the title might imply. Take the horrible songs out and it may be a better film, but would probably reduce the comedy value. The guy who made this obviously had a high opinion of himself and thanks to that we got this!

Well, they're sleek and they're slidin' all across the floor Groovin' two-by-two, stompin' for some more That's when my eyes catch you and my heart begins to sing Oh pretty baby I imagine you can swing The beat starts a-movin as they push me from my chair My fingers start a-snappin' when I run 'em through your hair I got to get to you, but I get to the side Cause everybody's doin' the shimmy and the slide You're on fire when I grab you by the hand Your waist is movin' with the rhythm of the band My eyes swell up as you take me for a ride Come on pretty baby, let's do the shimmy slide Well, I've had a couple beers and I'm feeling just right I'm sweatin' all over cause her dress is so tight I try to act cool, but you just won't stop Oh pretty baby, you make me so HOT It's time to go home, you're gonna jump in your car I know I got it started 'cause my heart's on fire You say jump in, let's go for a ride Maybe we'll do the shimmy and the slide You're heart's on fire when I grab you by the hand Your waist is movin' with the rhythm of the band My eyes swell up as you take me for a ride Come on pretty baby, let's do the shimmy slide HOOO! Let's do it again!

Oh, you're on fire when I grab you by the hand Your waist is movin' with the rhythm of the band My eyes swell up as you take me for a ride Come on pretty baby, let's do the shimmy slide HOT DAMN!"

Why do I do this to myself? Why do I fall for the worst of the worst films? Why haven't I learned? Perhaps it is out of boredom that I feel the need to watch dreck like this, for in the changing landscape of media deconstruction, having seen a list of the best films ever made is on par with seeing the absolute worst films ever made. And frankly, the watching of these two wildly divergent areas of influence brings about an equal appreciation for the greatness and awfulness of a film.

Champagne and Bullets (I refuse to call it the generic Road to Revenge) provides all of the things I look forward to in a horrible film. Bad action sequences, terrible dialogue, bad acting and a lack of self awareness from the person fronting the vanity project. John De Hart made a terrible film and we should all acknowledge this, but damn bless his heart for trying. Unlike the modern "auteurs" who try to make terrible films for social media clout, De Hart set out to make something genuine and sincere. This is why projects like The Room, Fateful Findings, Meltdown and Birdemic are so awesome while the fakes who desperately try to be bad always become forgotten. You need to be sincere to make something like this work and pass through the annals of a humongous media landscape.

The story is impossible to follow. I mean, De Hart is a disgraced cop or something and his ex-partner framed him and is now a judge. Also, this ex-partner is the head of a baby killing cult. You tell me. The action sequences are poorly made and edited, for its laughable anyone would consider De Hart a seasoned fighter. And lets talk about the real star of the film...De Hart's wardrobe. Apparently, his spectacular 80s inspired vibe was all from his own closet. I'm sure this was done to save money, but oh boy his clothes are magnificent. I couldn't get enough of the hip-hop cowboy vibe he was pioneering all the way back in 1993. Thank you Mr. De Hart for bringing us into your little world. I'll end on this note...be sure to have friends and snacks because this movie is tough treading. But damn, you have to give the guy and "A" for effort.

There's a whole category of mostly subterranean movies in which some schmoe who's had delusions of grandeur his whole life spent his savings to bankroll a vanity project starring (and often writtten/directed/produced by) himself. The most famous example is of course Tommy Wiseau's "The Room," which actually managed to become a cult phenomenon. A few others have gained a little notoriety among seekers of camp gold, and there's a sort of subgenre in which some guy apparently thought "I must be the next Bruce Lee!" because he's the star of his local karate studio, never realizing that "block of wood" isn't just something to hand-chop, but the way his acting would be described. But most such films languish in obscurity, because they were perceived as too amateurish for release initially, then were entirely forgotten.

This is one of those movies, although I gather some people have actually heard of it. (I hadn't, until now.) It's an excruciatingly dumb, basic hero-vs.-criminal-bad-guys opus, with "You killed the only woman I ever loved" as plot motivation, though it takes quite a while to get to that point. There are scattered professional aspects-the photography is mostly acceptable on a direct-to-video B-flick level-but the script is atrocious and there's a lot of just idiotic filler, particularly in the realm of women with implants going topless for no discernible reason, and Wings Hauser improvising painfully as some kind of Method Nightmare comedic sidekick. But the main issue is writer-director-star-producer John De Hart, whose only screen credit this is-and no wonder. He's 50-ish gent of average looks, in decent shape for his age, but who has all the charisma of a paperweight. He is not an actor, has little apparent personality, and despite all selling of his character as one tough ex-cop hombre, does not demonstrate any particular martial-arts or other physical skills. (We see him use a punching bag several times, which is pretty underwhelming.) Worse by far, he seems to think he can sing-and he sings several vaguely "country" songs he wrote, including a "Shimmy Slide" that occasions the lamest imaginable line-dance accompaniment. Anyway, his singing must be heard...if you can stand it. It's beyond belief. Incredible that someone could be that bad (is he sharp? is he flat? is he even hitting what one would call "notes"?) and have no idea.

Anyway, "GetEven" aka "Road to Revenge" is a little too inept to be consistently hilarious; sometimes it just lays there. But it does have some camp value. William Smith manages to be simultaneously hammy and bored as the chief villain, with his leering thugs including a ringer for Fabio; the women, clearly cast for assets other than "acting ability," are uniformly dreadful; oh, and there are baby-sacrificing Satanists. This is the kind of movie so arbitrary that the latter element, which would tend to take center stage in most stories where it's included, instead plays here as sort of narrative afterthought.

A fun bad movie, but not a great bad movie, or one I'd watch again-hence the 5.

John De Hart, Wings Hauser, William Smith And Pamela Bryant are brilliant in their portrayals. John De Hart has become my favorite Actor and this is truly my favorite movie of all time! The action is superb. The relationships are real as is the romance. The funny parts are really funny, the one-liners are great and there are many memorable, meaningful and right-on messages about the corruption inherent in bureaucracy... The movie is thrilling! To paraphrase an eminent movie critic: Everything that is good about action movies has been mirrored here and amped to the next level. Remember how you always wished that Jean-Claude Van Damme would have sung multiple songs in his movies? This movie is the fulfillment of that wish! One more thing you should know: Every female that has viewed this film and voted on this cite has rated the film a '10'. Don't miss it.