Mark Borchardt credited as playing...
Filmmaker
- Mark Borchardt: 'Your AT&T Universal Card has arrived'? Oh God, kick-fuckin'-ass! I got a MasterCard. I don't believe it, man. Life is kinda cool sometimes.
- Mark Borchardt: Do you think this is a little bit cathartic for you?
- Friend/Musician: Uh, very cathartic, Mark.
- Mark Borchardt: Do you know what cathartic means?
- Friend/Musician: No.
- Mark Borchardt: I was called to the bathroom at the cemetery to take care of something. I walked in the bathroom, and in the middle toilet right there... somebody didn't shit in the toilet, somebody shat on the toilet. They shat on the walls, they shat on the floor. I had to clean it up, man, but before that, for about 10 to 15 seconds man, I just stared at somebody's shit, man. To be totally honest with you, man, it was a really, really profound moment. Cuz I was thinkin', "I'm 30 years old, and in about 10 seconds I gotta start cleaning up somebody's shit, man."
- Friend/Musician: [pointing to a makeshift crucifix] This is definitely a sign of voodoo.
- Mark Borchardt: Why is it a sign of voodoo?
- Friend/Musician: It's an unnatural cross, Mark!
- Mark Borchardt: What, you think when Jesus was hanging there, he thought it was natural?
- Mark Borchardt: "Coven," man, we gotta get this sucker done, though. Seriously. Last night, man, I was so drunk, I was calling Morocco, man. Calling, trying to get to the Hotel Hilton at Tangiers in Casablanca, man. That's, I mean, that's, that's pathetic, man! Is that what you wanna do with your life? Suck down peppermint schnapps and try to call Morocco at two in the morning? That's senseless! But that's what happens, man.
- Mark Borchardt: Would you buy this movie for $14.95?
- Friend/Musician: Yeah, hell yeah, man.
- Mark Borchardt: If I can find 3,000 people like you across this country, man, I'm in business.
- Friend/Musician: Of course, man, I mean... Shit, that's what "Rush" tickets were.
- Mark Borchardt: It's pronounced "COE-ven", man. What else could it be pronounced?
- Actor: "CUH-ven". That's the proper pronunciation.
- Mark Borchardt: No, no, no. No, no..."CUH-ven" sounds like "oven", man. And that's just... it doesn't work.
- Mark Borchardt: And you get your name on the credits as a producer, man.
- Mark's Uncle: [Deadpan] Yay.
- Mark Borchardt: They're making a mockery of my words, man. This whole thing is turning out to be a theatrical mockery. You understand that, Mike?
- Friend/Musician: No,
- Mark Borchardt: Well, you will.
- Mark Borchardt: There's no excuses, Paul. No one has ever, ever paid admission to see an excuse. No one has ever faced a black screen that says: "Well, if we had these set of circumstances, we would've shot this scene... so please forgive us and use your imagination." I've been to the movies hundreds of times. That's never occurred.
- Mark Borchardt: [to cast with covered faces] You guys gotta look menacing! Can you be more menacing?
- Mark Borchardt: [Reacting to an IRS notice threatening a lien on personal property for delinquent funds due] Luckily it's just $81.00. What are they gonna take, ya know, like my "Night of the Living Dead" book?
- Mark Borchardt: Now when you go in the grave, and you're just laying there in the casket - the last hurrah, the final goodbye - what are you gonna think about, Bill? Huh?
- Mark's Uncle: You tell me.
- Mark Borchardt: I'm gonna wake up to hell tomorrow, man. Those credit cards ain't gonna look nice, man. But I'm always a man for my word. Mike Schank, you happy?
- Friend/Musician: Yeah, I'm happy.
- Mark Borchardt: How happy are you, man?
- Friend/Musician: I'm very happy.
- Mark Borchardt: Well good, man, cuz don't drink. You're gonna set the world's record. OK, man. I'm cooled down, but... Hey I'm serious, man. If I missed somebody or anything, man, thanks a million for, uh, for helping out, man. Cuz I... I couldn't have, whatever, done it.
- Mark Borchardt: [after trying to bust a cabinet door to no avail after a couple takes] Aw, dude. You know what? I'm sorry I tried to put your head in this. This is gonna be like- take some shit.
- [first lines]
- Mark Borchardt: [narrating] I was a failure. I was a failure, and I'd get very sad and depressed about it, and I can't be that no more, 'cause I really feel like I betrayed myself big time. 'Cause I think, when-I know when I was growing up, I had all the potential in the world. Now, I'm back to being Mark who has a beer in his hand, and is thinking about the Great American Script and the Great American Movie. And this time, I cannot fail; I won't fail. It's not in me. You don't get second chances and mess 'em up, you'd be a fool to. Not just finishing films or in the long run, gettin' some money, but it's right now. I feel like, it's like I said, five, ten, fifteen years ago, and now I've got the same options again, and this time, I'm not gonna fail. This time, it's most important not to fail, just to drink and dream, but rather, to create and complete.