Bette Midler: Mona Dearly

Drowning Mona

Mona Dearly

Chief Wyatt Rash: My mother always used to say, "When life hands you potatoes, make potato salad!"
Mona Dearly: Yeah? Well life handed me a whole pile-a shit! What am I supposed to make outta that?
Phil Dearly: Shit salad?

Bobby: [after grabbing the golf club Mona is using to damage Bobby's Yugo] God... this is. I mean, enough's enough. All I ever wanted was a nice professional business so that Ellie and I could have a...
Jeff Dearly: [Cuts off Bobby and begins tapping his thumb and middle finger together] Yeah, yeah, yeah... You know what this is? This is the world's smallest tambourine, and it's, and it's playing some sort of song or something.
Mona Dearly: Shut up! Shut up! That's a violin, you asshole! Give me that thing, give me that!

Mona: Why'd you pull us over, Feege?
Feege: Oh, let me think about that. Mona, you're riding on rims and you pulled an 1107 on an officer of the law.
[to Jeff]
Feege: What the hell is the matter with you, son?
Mona: What did you hurt him for?
Feege: He's drunk!
Mona: No, he ain't!
[to Jeff]
Mona: It's OK, baby. You're gonna pay for this, Feege! You just lost your lawn service, pal!

Mona Dearly: [about the name BJ Landscaping] "BJ"?
[laughs, then adds, condescendingly]
Mona Dearly: Well, I think "JB" has a nicer ring to it. Besides, you don't want anyone goin' around calling ya "Blow Job Landscaping" - Do ya?

Jeff: [while threatening to kill himself] I know you all think I killed my parents.
Chief Wyatt Rash: We don't think you killed anybody!
Jeff: Yeah? Well, you're full of shit! Everyone know I've been wanting to get back at her ever since that night...
[a flashback shows Mona cleaving a sausage]
Jeff: Hey, Ma, there's no more beer. Give me some of yours.
Mona Dearly: Don't touch that beer, Jeff.
Jeff: [reaches out] Oh, give it to me.
Mona Dearly: I SAID...
[cleaves his hand clean off]
Jeff: [screams in pain] FUCK!
[back to present, everyone goes disgusted in shock]
Jeff: Was I so wrong?
Feege: You bet your ass.
Jeff: Yeah, but, I didn't kill her. Look, don't get me wrong: I'm glad she's dead and all, but I sure as hell didn't do it.
Chief Wyatt Rash: Jeff, I know you didn't kill her.
Jeff: I didn't kill my dad neither.
Chief Wyatt Rash: Then why don't you give me the gun.
Jeff: [puts the gun to head] BECAUSE MY LIFE SUCKS, MAN!