Owen Wilson credited as playing...
Hansel
- Hansel: I wasn't like every other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut, I was always more interested in what bark was made out of on a tree. Richard Gere's a real hero of mine. Sting. Sting would be another person who's a hero. The music he's created over the years, I don't really listen to it, but the fact that he's making it, I respect that. I care desperately about what I do. Do I know what product I'm selling? No. Do I know what I'm doing today? No. But I'm here, and I'm gonna give it my best shot.
- Derek Zoolander: Why do you hate models, Matilda?
- Matilda: Honestly?
- Hansel: Yes.
- Matilda: I think they're vain, stupid, and incredibly self-centered.
- Hansel: I totally agree with you. But how do you feel about male models?
- Mugatu: SHUT UP! Enough already, Ballstein! Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway? The man has only one look, for Christ's sake! Blue Steel? Ferrari? Le Tigra? They're the same face! Doesn't anybody notice this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! I invented the piano key necktie, I invented it! What have you done, Derek? You've done nothing! NOTHIIIING! And I will be a monkey's uncle if I let you ruin this for me, because if you can't get the job done, then I will! Die, you wage-hiking scum!
- [the Prime Minister gasps in surprise then wields his weapon to kill him]
- Derek Zoolander: One look? ONE LOOK? I don't think so!
- [Mugatu flings "M" shaped shuriken at the Prime Minister, the crowd was in shock while the shuriken was still flying and Derek rushes to save and turns left to feel like Magnum]
- Hansel: There it is.
- Todd: Magnum.
- Larry Zoolander: Holy Moly.
- Maury Ballstein: Yeah, baby! That's what I've been waiting for!
- Mugatu: Dear god, it's beautiful.
- [as Derek freezes the "M" shaped shuriken and drops it into the ground, then the crowd cheered and Maury smiles happily.]
- Larry Zoolander: Yeah, Yeah!
- [the cameras flicker and Mugatu gets arrested by guards and falls into the ground]
- Larry Zoolander: That's my kid. That's my son.
- Hansel: I guess you can dere-lick my balls cap-E-tan.
- Derek Zoolander: I can Dere-lick my own balls, thank you very much.
- Hansel: So I'm rappelling down Mount Vesuvius when suddenly I slip, and I start to fall. Just falling, ahh ahh, I'll never forget the terror. When suddenly I realize "Holy shit, Hansel, haven't you been smoking Peyote for six straight days, and couldn't some of this maybe be in your head?"
- Derek Zoolander: And?
- Hansel: And it was. I was totally fine. I've never even been to Mount Vesuvius.
- Derek Zoolander: What say we settle this on the runway... Han-Solo?
- Hansel: Are you challenging me to a walk-off... Boo-Lander?
- Derek Zoolander: You mean, you haven't...
- Matilda: Done it in a while, yeh.
- Hansel: Now, what's a while? Like, eight days?
- Hansel: Yeah, you're cool to hide here, but first me and him got to straighten some shit out.
- Derek Zoolander: Fine.
- Hansel: Why you been acting so messed up towards me?
- Derek Zoolander: Why you been acting so messed up towards me?
- Hansel: Well, you go first.
- Derek Zoolander: Who am I?
- Derek's Reflection: I don't know.
- Derek Zoolander: I guess I have a lot of things to ponder.
- Hansel: The results are in, amigo! What's left to ponder?
- [Derek stares at Hansel]
- Hansel: Nice comeback!
- Matilda: What time is it?
- Derek Zoolander: Almost five.
- Matilda: What? Hey, guys, that show is in three hours. Derek is dead unless we get that evidence. Do you guys...
- Hansel: Whoa, whoa, easy! How 'bout a "Good afternoon, Derek and Hansel. Thanks for the freak fest last night."
- Hansel: [while in an interview, dressed in angel's wings] I hear words like "beauty" and "handsomness" and "incredibly chiseled features" and for me that's like a vanity of self absorption that I try to steer clear of.