Ninja the Protector

I am an advocate of a category I like to refer to as the "drunken classics". If you want a film to really move you, your selection is severely limited by the few hundred great films that have been made over the years. However, if you're getting drunk before or while you're watching a film, there are literally thousands of terrible, terrible films that become enjoyable where they would otherwise be unwatchable. The prime example of this theory would be the American Ninja Series (I-IV anyway, V is still unwatchable). It was in this mindset that I picked up Ninja:The Protector and I discovered something astounding; the film can actually make time stop. The running time may be listed at 90some minutes but I swear it took a week and a half out of my life. This film is not just terrible. It is terrible, cheesy, low-budget, slow, and although it has such an incredibly innane straight out of Thundercats plot, still manages to be one of the most confusing films I've ever seen. It is my belief that what actually happened was that they took 45 minutes of stock ninja footage together with a reject 70s drama pilot and just stuck them together and put all the money into the box art in the hopes of suckering someone, anyone into renting it. Anyone who sits through this film should have the opportunity to slap anyone that was involved with it, and then be slapped themselves. I know I deserve it. Please, if my only contribution to this world is that I saved one, just one person the pain and agony of this film, my life will have been worth living. Yes, I am that shallow.

Ninja The Protector is a watchable ninja flick. However, The Ninja Protector isn't a great ninja flick, its plot is just crappy. Let's begin with the fact that most of its ninjas are white, even though that some are Chinese. Its plot was a combination of exploitation, ninja action and a crappy drama, I know that it sounds cheesy and fun, but it's not that great. Actually, The Ninja Protector has boring scenes whereas the some of its fights save it. The ninjas are mostly white as I said above, but they have some interesting swords and daggers. Its plot is so awful that I won't even write about it, However, its soundtrack is actually cheesy and fun. Morever, its soundtrack is maybe the best part in this silly film, it is heard after and during the cheesy fights. In a nutshell, The Ninja Protector isn't very recommended, unless you really like ninja movies. 4/10

Quite frankly Ninja The Protector is the most fantastic display of choreographical supremacy that I have ever had the good fortune to lay my hands on- and only for a single pound. This movie has provided hours and hours of entertainment: Not only do we have waggly-hand-gesture-instant-ninja-costume-changing, WITH SMOKE EFFECTS, but flamethrower hands, shurikens which move at 3 miles per hour and katanas which clang and don't injure ANYONE after multiple cartwheels.

Astounding! The warren chapters were highly erotic- the pornographic rating of this film almost filling me with orgasmic delight as completely irrelevant plot-devices fill the air: The only actual clue as to warren's involvement in the actual overplot of the film being incomprehensible, and all pivoting on the showing of a photograph at the beginning of the film by our godly uberhero- wossname. Cameo Ninja... Thingy...

Basically, there are fights, fat blonde white guys and random acts of stupidity and porn- WITH MOTORBIKES!!!! This is quite simply the best manfilm ever. Hats off to you all.

No matter how many ninja films one sees it always looks to me like people fighting wearing pyjamas. This is particularly true in this film where the Richard Harrison character wears a natty pair of duds that look perfect for bedtime. Which makes the ninja fights he is in look silly. When he puts on his ninja suit he also looks slimmer. At least they could have had someone similar in size to Richard Harrison. He was a big boy.

The film is a hybrid of at least two others but one never knows. It could be more. The western actors are dubbed but their lip are saying the same dialogue anyway so it becomes quite surreal. The Hong Kong actors are also dubbed but one gets used to that in martial art films anyway even though their lip movements are so different. Being a hybrid the plot wavers all over the place. When a character says, "Tiger has been killed" you think, who heck is Tiger? Is my memory going or did they ever appear? A rambling plot, tame fight scenes and plain acting are not even redeemed by a couple of sex scenes as they are just as boring as the rest of the film. Not good, not good at all.

More devilment from Tomas Tang. See my comments on "Ninja Demon's Massacre" if you need to know what the Tang Formula is.

Normally Tang edits ninja footage into action movies, but in this rare exception, he's chosen to violate a weak softporn HK soap opera about "Warren's" adventures at the modelling school. Naturally, it is improved by the addition of ninjas. The incongruity of the ninja storyline within the bulk of the footage is even greater than usual. Which is funny, until your head starts aching.

Features Richard Harrison II, perhaps my favourite Tang stalwart.