Bikini Beach Race

This film mainly follows three college misfits in New Jersey as they cause trouble. To prove themselves, they decide to go to Miami, where one of them has a cousin named "Jaime" (Nick Santa Maria), who is a gardener working for a wealthy couple that has left their mansion in his care while they're away. While there, they learn about an upcoming race where a young woman drives a bed on wheels while four men push it as fast as they can toward the finish line. Seeing this as a chance to showcase his engineering skills, one of the misfits named "Milo" (Xavier Barquet) persuades his friends "Cheese" (Mathew Marko), "Byrdie" (Waverly Hill), and the aforementioned Jaime to help him out. Additionally, Milo secures the assistance of a skilled speedboat racer named "J. D." (Dana Plato), who will drive his newly designed bedmobile for their team, called the Sex Puppets. However, first, they must deal with a corrupt mobster named "Gino Carlotti" (Rod Jeremy), who has bet a fortune on this race and will use any means necessary to win. Now, rather than reveal any more, I will just say that this was an incredibly dull and humorless '90s beach movie, offering nothing in the form of entertainment. The plot was exceedingly thin, the characters were unlikeable, and the film ran about 20 or 30 minutes too long. As a matter of fact, except for some attractive ladies parading around in lingerie or bikinis, there really wasn't anything of any interest, and I have rated this movie accordingly.

So we're talking about a movie where Dana Plato and Ron Jeremy are the best-known actors, which says more than I possibly can about what you are getting into, should you choose to torture yourself with this movie. This "comedy" is so painfully not funny it's actually kind of depressing, but I get a certain sick pleasure from watching really bad movies like this. That said, if you enjoy subjecting yourself to the likes of "Deathrow Gameshow" or "Cool As Ice", then this movie will fill that masochistic void and then some. There isn't a laugh to be had in this thing and, while Dana Plato looks cute, she was clearly scraping the bottom of the barrel by appearing in it. Her male protagonist, on the other hand, looks like a cross between Mark Mothersbaugh and Robert Ginty and is unwatchable, along with his second-generation Urkel wanabe and fifth generation Belushi wanabe cohorts. The T&A is even substandard but kind of fun because they clearly just recruited non-actors from the local community, so you get the nostalgia of looking at non-GMO, prime chest and rump meat without any crap tattoos or piercings like you get now. The overall cheapness of the film provides a nice window in time for the early 90's, which is something I like to see in a cheapo flick, although I'd be willing to bet I won't be saying the same about cheap movies being made right now in 30 years. Watch this thing if you are into self-abuse or need a cheap home lobotomy. If you are looking for laughs and a story line that won't insult the intelligence of an 11-year-old, look elsewhere.

Bad lol. Couldn't believe in 92 all they could find were chubby girls. Hope that caster never was employed again.

I do actually enjoy movies that are so bad that they're actually good, but this isn't one of them.

None of the scenes are funny, not even the unintentional humor sometimes found in B movies. The acting is bad and the script is much worse. The attempts at witty one liners are embarrassing. The protagonist and his friends are all very obnoxious and uninteresting. The plot is absurd and the story is boring.

The only reasons to consider watching this are the novelty of seeing Dana Plato in a movie, the extremely good looking girls, and perhaps the 1990s nostalgia. Even with those points of interest it's still hard to watch. The acting and storyline in that silly Night Trap video game (also starring Dana Plato) were actually far more entertaining than this.

This movie aired on USA Network's "Up All Night" hosted by Rhonda Sheer in Sept. 1993, only the title was "The Sex Puppets", not "Bikini Beach Race". On Fri and Sat nights I used to put in a VHS tape, record and watch later and came across this one (actually watching it now 21 years later..I knew I'd eventually find time to watch it...lol). Gotta love those 80s/90s cheesy T&A movies! Since it was released in 1992, they sure didn't waste any time getting it to late night cable television in 1993. I'm curious why it aired under the title "The Sex Puppets" and not "Bikini Beach Race". Why the name change and which is the original title?