Luke Edwards credited as playing...
Billy Heywood
- Billy Heywood: If Joe can paint a house in three hours and Sam can paint the same house in five hours, how long will it take to paint it together?
- Mac: Now wait a minute, you never said this was a word problem.
- Roberts: [Last Lines] Excuse me Mr. Heywood! But um, they're still here.
- Billy Heywood: Who?
- Roberts: Everybody!
- [after the Twins lose their wild card playoff]
- Billy Heywood: The Brooklyn Dodgers had a saying: "wait 'til next year."
- Spencer Hamilton: That's it right there. 'Cause next year, we're gonna win it all, baby.
- Mike McGrevey: Give me some of that.
- [they slap hands, and the team cheers]
- Mickey Scales: The Dodgers played in Brooklyn?
- Billy Heywood: Here's an easy one. Who was the first black player to play in the major leagues?
- Thomas Heywood: You want me to say Jackie Robinson, but I won't. Fleet Walker for Toledo. I believe the year was 1884.
- Mac: You're a frickin' primadonna, McGreavy. You don't deserve to wear that uniform.
- Mike McGrevey: You know, you're right, Mac. I'm a disgrace to the Twins. I think you should trade me.
- Mac: As soon as we find someone dumb enough to take you, that's EXACTLY what we're gonna do.
- Billy Heywood: No we're not. We're not trading you.
- Mike McGrevey: So what are you going to do, bench me?
- Billy Heywood: Nope, play you. When it's your turn to pitch, you pitch. Nothing changes.
- Mike McGrevey: You know, I don't think that's such a good idea. I have a feeling my concentration's not going to be that good out there. I might tend to forget some of those scouting reports.
- Billy Heywood: Well, that's up to you, you're the free agent. Hey Mac, what's the going rate for an absent-minded pitcher who can't get anybody out?
- Joey: You should start Webman. He always beats the Rangers.
- Billy Heywood: He always beats everybody. That's why he's 3-7.
- Billy Heywood: Who would've thought they'd throw you a changeup with a three-two count and the bases loaded?
- Lou Collins: I bet you did, didn't you. You did! Ya knew it!
- Margaret Sullivan: Isn't that wonderful? Your Grandfather gave you the twins!
- Billy Heywood: I would rather have my Grandfather.
- Joey: You what you should do? You should start Webman!
- Billy Heywood: I had a feeling you were going to say that.
- Billy Heywood: [after Scales was called out at first base during a home game against the Rangers] What?
- Mickey Scales: Come on, blue! He didn't touch me, blue! That's brutal, my momma could make that call blue, come on!
- Billy Heywood: [to the first-base umpire, after the first-base coach gets Scales out of the way] He missed the tag! He missed the tag!
- Major League Umpire: and what are you, Bob Uecker?
- Billy Heywood: That was a lousy call, you were out of position.
- Major League Umpire: I saqw what I saw, so go sit down.
- Billy Heywood: No, I'm not gonna sit down, because you're a big dork.
- Major League Umpire: Oh yeah? Well, you're a little squirt with a big mouth, so why don't you get outta my face before I get mad?
- Billy Heywood: Come on, get mad! Pop a vein, you ugly, big
- [prolonged air horn sound, while Palmeiro's eyes get big]
- Billy Heywood: ... blind, seeing-eye dog.
- Major League Umpire: You're outta here, Heywood!
- Billy Heywood: [while kicking dirt on the umpire] Yeah, that's right. Throw me out you big, fat
- [prolonged air horn]
- Billy Heywood: ... and you're blind as a bat!
- Major League Umpire: Get outta here!
- Billy Heywood: Fine! Ever heard of Certs?
- Jim Bowers: [after Billy apologizes to the team] On behalf of the entire Apache Nation, we accept this olive branch of peace.
- Billy Heywood: [team laughs] Thanks, I think.