Steve Martin credited as playing...
Philip
- [on the phone]
- Philip: Just remember that in every pothole there is hope. Well, you see, pothole is spelled P-O-T-H-O-L-E. So if you take the P, and add it to the H, the O, and the E, and rearrange the letters... or contrariwise, you remove the O, T, and the L, you get "hope". So, just remember, in every pothole there is hope!
- Susan: My psychiatrist thinks we should break up.
- Philip: What? I didn't know you were going to a psychiatrist.
- Susan: Well I'm not actually going to one. I've been dating one for four months.
- Philip: This is so sudden!
- Susan: I didn't want to tell you this over the phone, I really wanted to fax you. But you don't even *have* a fax!
- [hangs up]
- [talking to caller on a suicide hotline]
- Philip: May I put you on hold while I run to my desk? Uh... you're not calling from a bridge or holding a weapon, are you?
- Hotline Caller: No.
- Philip: Good.
- Philip: You're upset because it's Christmas. Christmas is a time when you look at your life through a magnifying glass, and whatever you don't have feels overwhelming. Being alone is so much lonelier at Christmas. Everything sad is so much sadder at Christmas. You can't give in to this, Felix!
- Catherine O'Shaughnessy: I'm not like you, Philip. I'm not one of those people that's only good on the phone. In person you just blame everybody. You made a mistake at the office, you gave out the address! Did I blame you? No! I blamed the Santa Anas! I don't even know what the Santa Anas are!
- Philip: They're the dry winds that blow in from the...
- Catherine O'Shaughnessy: Oh, shut up!
- [Philip gives Mrs. Munchnik her Christmas gift]
- Mrs. Munchnik: A fruitcake?
- Philip: Yes.
- Mrs. Munchnik: Remarkably like the one I gave you last year.
- Gracie Barzini: [grabs Felix's gun] Now, we have to empty it.
- [She starts firing gun randomly around the walls and door]
- Philip: [Struggles to grab the gun] Gracie, for God's sake!
- Gracie Barzini: I AM EMPTYING IT! I AM SICK OF HIM! I AM PROTECTING US FROM HIM!