Leslie Nielsen credited as playing...
Lt. Frank Drebin
- [Frank Drebin is stopped at the entrance to the Oscars]
- Frank Drebin: Sergeant Frank Drebin, Detective Lieutenant, Police Squad.
- Guard: Yeah, and I'm Robert De Niro.
- Frank Drebin: Mr. De Niro, we've got to get inside.
- Tyrone: You just watch your step, McGurke. This place here changes a man.
- Frank Drebin: Yeah? In what way?
- Tyrone: I used to be white. I was the drummer for the Osmonds.
- Rocko Dillon: Screw around with me, and Tyrone here will make you feel pain that you'd never believe.
- Frank Drebin: Yeah, I remember the Osmonds.
- Ed Hocken: We heard about you and Jane.
- Frank Drebin: Jane, Jane. That name will always remind me of her.
- Frank Drebin: Well... We shot a lot of people together. It's been great. But today I retire, so if I do any shooting now, it'll have to be within the confines of my own home. Hopefully, an intruder and not an in-law, like at my bachelor party.
- [Frank and Jane approach the first cab with an Arabic driver]
- Frank Drebin: Does that radio work?
- Cabbie: [replies in Arabic]
- [they move to a second cab with a Jamaican driver]
- Frank Drebin: Call Police Squad! Tell 'em Frank Drebin says...
- Cabbie: [replies in Jamaican]
- [they move to a third cab with an African driver]
- Frank Drebin: Forget it.
- [they immediately leave]
- Cabbie: [British accent] I wonder what the devil he wanted!
- Ed Hocken: There's only one way to find out where Rocco's gonna strike next. We're gonna hafta send someone into Statesville Prison.
- Frank Drebin: I'll do it.
- Ed Hocken: Frank, I couldn't. I wouldn't feel right about that. If Rocco finds out you're a cop, you might end up dead!
- Frank Drebin: You might end up dead is my middle name.
- Ed Hocken: What about Jane?
- Frank Drebin: I don't know her middle name. But, Ed, I need the action. I'm going inside the big house.
- Tanya Peters: [46:02] You're all man. I like that in my men.
- Frank Drebin: You're coming on to me big time, sister. You're preying on me like a kitten with a fresh mouse. And we got a problem.
- Tanya Peters: You're Jewish?
- Frank Drebin: No. You're Rocko's girl, and in my book that chapter's called "look but don't touch."
- Tanya Peters: I could have two lovers.
- Frank Drebin: Kinky. But I like my sex the way I play basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible.
- Ed Hocken: You haven't shot anybody in six months.
- Frank Drebin: That's true. Funny how you miss the little things.
- Dr. Kohlzak: [at a Sperm Bank and Fertility Clinic, unbeknownst to Frank, who's faking an old football injury] When did you first notice the problem?
- Frank Drebin: In the backyard, with my uncle.
- Dr. Kohlzak: In the backyard... with your uncle?
- Frank Drebin: Yes, when he comes over we like to go out in the backyard and throw it around for a while.
- Dr. Kohlzak: And what did you and your uncle find out?
- Frank Drebin: Oh, I can't keep up with him, mine hurt especially on the long ones. I can't seem to straighten it out, it has no feeling, it's... it's kind of numb. I may have yanked it too much, maybe.
- Dr. Kohlzak: [hands him a cup and opens a door to another room] If you would.
- Frank Drebin: For what?
- Dr. Kohlzak: A sperm count.
- Frank Drebin: In here?
- Dr. Kohlzak: Well, it's not exactly the backyard, but it'll do.
- Frank Drebin: [before Jane leaves] Look, baby. I am what I am, and I do what I do. A few guys make shoelaces, some lay sod, others make a very good living neutering animals. I'm a cop!
- Tanya Peters: What are you doing?
- Frank Drebin: Oh! I was, uh, just conjugating my next move.
- Tanya Peters: Your bishop's exposed.
- Frank Drebin: It's these pants.
- [in the prison cafeteria]
- Frank Drebin: Hey! You call this slop? Real slop has got chunks of things in it! This is more like gruel! And this Château le Blanc '68 is supposed to be served slightly chilled! This is room temperature! What do you think we are? Animals?
- Convicts: NO!
- Frank Drebin: What are we?
- [the entire hall is silent]
- Mess Hall Convict: Homo sapiens?
- Frank Drebin: You're right! We're men! We are men!
- Frank Drebin, Convicts: [all chant] WE ARE MEN! WE ARE MEN! WE ARE MEN!
- Frank Drebin: Uh, Raquel, just a second, I just had a thought. This show is being seen all over the world. I was thinking, if we could all just send good thoughts, transmit them through these cameras here, to the elected leader of China, Wing Wa Woo Tong, so that they might finally be nice. Thank you.
- [applause]
- Raquel Welch: And the winner is...
- Frank Drebin: Uh Raquel, so many go to bed hungry in this nation, yet cat food is full of tuna! I can't help but think each time I go to the zoo and see those porpoises, crammed into those tiny tanks, what a waste that is. Butcher half of them now! That's hundreds of pounds of dolphin meat that can be fed to our cats, freeing up that tuna for our nation's hungry.
- [few people clap]
- Raquel Welch: And the winner is...
- Frank Drebin: Uh, so many are cold, shivering in the night, so I say, butcher those cats, skin them! Use their fur to keep hundreds warm!
- Raquel Welch: [shocked] Jesus, Phil!
- Frank Drebin: They're going to blow that place sky high. It'll be a tragedy. Unless it's during a dance number.
- Frank Drebin: Jane...
- Jane Spencer: Frank, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- Frank Drebin: Yes! Florence Henderson's gonna win it, and it's about time.
- Jane Spencer: No! The bomb is in one of those envelopes!
- Frank Drebin: You're right!
- Jane Spencer: Now I know why Ed's been calling every half hour. You've been back on a case, haven't you?
- Frank Drebin: No, no, I swear, it's another woman.
- Jane Spencer: In your wildest dreams.