Randy Quaid credited as playing...
Michael McDougal
- Alicia: We're not exactly the Washington Post, okay?
- Michael McDougal: No, we're not. We run stupid headlines because we think they're funny. We run maimings on the front page because we got good art. And I spend three weeks bitching about my car because it sells papers. But at least it's the truth. As far as I can remeber we never ever, ever knowingly got a story wrong, until tonight.
- Henry: I'm stopping it.
- Michael McDougal: What?
- Henry: We stop and replate. Go upstairs and write up what you've got. Tell Lou to send down "They Didn't Do It".
- Michael McDougal: Hey Henry, are you going to say it? You gotta say it.
- Henry: Use the same art they used for "Gotcha!".
- Michael McDougal: Come on, how often do you get the chance? You can't just do it and not say it, come on!
- Henry: I - Stop the presses!
- [Alicia is shot]
- Michael McDougal: A woman's been shot. We need an ambulance.
- Alicia: Could I have one too?
- [Sandusky has accidentally shot Alicia in the leg, through the wall of the phone booth]
- Alicia: [in shock] A bullet came out of the wall... why did a bullet come out of the wall?
- Michael McDougal: To get to the other side?
- Michael McDougal: This is great! This is great! It writes like butter. I mean, there is actual butter coming out of my pen.
- Henry: Hey, do you remember Sedona Savings and Loan? They went under six months ago. We did a big piece on 'em.
- Michael McDougal: I don't read this newspaper.
- Michael McDougal: What's with all the grunt work? I'm a columnist.
- Henry: You're not a columnist. You're a reporter who writes long.
- Henry: I think we got room for 20 inches on this one. Give me a killer lead. By the way, you got three minutes.
- Michael McDougal: I need four.
- Henry: Three.
- Michael McDougal: I need four.
- Henry: Alright, whatever. Just make it fast.
- Marion Sandusky, New York Parking Commissioner: You made my wife cry when she reads the paper.
- Michael McDougal: At least she bought it, didn't she?
- Marion Sandusky, New York Parking Commissioner: Why me?
- Michael McDougal: You work for the city. It was your turn.