Linus Roache credited as playing...
Father Greg Pilkington
- Father Greg Pilkington: [addressing Father Redstone in Latin] Abi et futue te ipsum, sordide senex.
- [Translation: Go fuck yourself, you dirty old man]
- Father Greg Pilkington: And how would you feel if someone robbed your car?
- Boy Car Thief: I haven't got one.
- Father Greg Pilkington: Well, suppose you did.
- Boy Car Thief: I'd get a weed-on.
- Father Greg Pilkington: Exactly. I'd get a... weed-on too.
- Boy Car Thief: You haven't got a car.
- Father Greg Pilkington: Well, what about Father Matthew?
- Boy Car Thief: No one would wanna rob his car, would they?
- Father Greg Pilkington: Because he's a priest?
- Boy Car Thief: Because it's crap!
- Father Greg Pilkington: [Father Redstone has been addressing Father Pilkington in Latin] You've lost me, I'm afraid.
- Father Redstone: I said: I know all about you. You're a boil on the body of Christ. A monstrous, living, breathing boil, ready to erupt at any moment into pus, and blood, and stench.
- Father Greg Pilkington: I think I preferred it in Latin.
- Father Greg Pilkington: When we were in seminary, it was a sort of standard question: a man tells you in confession that he's poisoned the altar wine. Do you still go out and say Mass? Now, I had no problem with that: I'd go out and say Mass, drink the wine. There's a bit of the martyr in all of us.
- Father Greg Pilkington: [seeing the housekeeper's neck brace] So, you've hurt your neck, have you?
- Housekeeper: [sarcastically] No, I'm a dedicated follower of fashion.
- [She escorts him to his room and opens the door]
- Father Greg Pilkington: Thank you.
- Housekeeper: Dinner at 7:30 - dead pig.
- Charge Sergeant: [Father Pilkington is being charged with public indecency] Occupation?
- [Father Pilkington is too embarrassed to answer]
- Charge Sergeant: What's your job?
- Father Greg Pilkington: Priest.
- Charge Sergeant: Catholic?
- Father Greg Pilkington: [quietly] Yes.
- Charge Sergeant: [grinning] You little devil!