Robert Carradine credited as playing...
Lewis Skolnick
- [Lewis stops Trevor from mooning people]
- Lewis Skolnick: Trevor, it isn't nice to moon.
- Trevor Gulf: Oh, it isn't?
- Lewis Skolnick: No, it isn't.
- Trevor Gulf: Mr. Ogre mooned.
- Lewis Skolnick: Well, you see Trevor, Mr. Ogre is a converted nerd, ok? He used to be a jock so he's still a little rough around the edges.
- Trevor Gulf: Jacques, is he from France?
- Betty Skolnick: Lewis, I don't want you to go now, it's after 3 in the morning.
- Lewis Skolnick: If my wife and my unborn fetal son want pickles and ice cream, I don't care what time it is.
- Lewis Skolnick: It's not that bad.
- Dudley Dawson: Not that bad? Lewis, we just had a food fight. People don't have... food fights, at their... BRIDAL SHOWERS! But I did! Some nova riche guy, looked like he could've been a banker, is standing over me, shoving handfuls of garnish up my NOSTRILS!
- Dudley Dawson: I'd like to thank you all for this wonderful shower.
- Lewis Skolnick: It's probably the first shower you've ever had.
- Mr. Dawson: No, he showered regularly, every other night in summer, and weekly in the winter.
- Betty Skolnick: Lewis, there were women at the party last night, weren't there?
- Lewis Skolnick: Yeah.
- Betty Skolnick: Were they pretty?
- Lewis Skolnick: Yeah.
- Betty Skolnick: What did you do with them?
- Lewis Skolnick: The bunny hop.
- Betty Skolnick: That's it? Just the bunny hop?
- Lewis Skolnick: Yeah.
- Betty Skolnick: Okay, then you can still be my Valentine.
- Lewis Skolnick: Harold where're you going?
- Lamar: I don't know but I'd guess over to Lois.
- Takashi: Are you scoing, Harold?
- Harold: Well I wouldn't tell you if I was. But I'll guarantee you this much, I ain't going over there for breakfast!
- Lewis Skolnick: You're not supposed to reveal what goes on at a bachelor party.
- Ogre: Wild horses couldn't drag it out of me. Who can't we tell again?
- Betty Skolnick: Hey. What's Trevor Gulf doing?
- Jeanie Humphrey: [startled] I-I think he's mooning us.
- Lewis Skolnick: That's no moon, thats the San Joquin valley
- [shouts, running at Trevor as people began to react off-screen]
- Lewis Skolnick: TREVOR, NO!
- Takashi: [takes photo of Trevor's mooning] Oh! Big Smile!
- Lewis Skolnick: Betty, don't push.
- All: [chanting] Betty don't push, Betty don't push, Betty don't push, Betty don't push, hee hee hoo, hee hee hoo, hee hee hoo.
- [Betty screams]
- All: Betty don't scream! Betty don't scream, Betty don't scream.
- Lewis Skolnick: Hey, so Booger, how are things going with the in-laws?
- Dudley Dawson: Well, things were going okay, until my mother-in-law passed out and cracked her head on the coffee table.
- Lewis Skolnick, Betty Skolnick: Oh.
- Dudley Dawson: I don't think my father-in-law likes me at all.
- Lewis Skolnick, Betty Skolnick: Umm.
- Dudley Dawson: He's one of those pretentious, hoity-toity nouveau riche types. He may be anti-nerd.
- Lewis Skolnick: *gasp*
- Betty Skolnick: Oh no.
- Motel Manager: Hmm.
- Betty Skolnick: Why does this always have to poke its ugly head out?
- Lewis Skolnick: Indeed. We need to nip this in the bud. Booger, I want you to know I take my job as best man very seriously, and I will take care of everything, including Jeannie's old man. Never fear, Skolnick's here.
- Betty Skolnick: I love you, you big galoot.
- Motel Manager: Are you sure your best man knows where we are located?
- Dudley Dawson: Oh, he'll find it, all right.
- [looks at watch]
- Dudley Dawson: As a matter of fact, he'll be here in exactly... 7 seconds... 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
- [Lewis's semi approaches the motel where Booger is staying]
- Dudley Dawson: Right on the button. Lewis!
- Lewis Skolnick: Booger!
- Dudley Dawson: Pull in here!
- [Lewis honks his truck's horn, and stops his semi in the motel's parking lot]
- Lewis Skolnick: [Lewis and Booger laugh and enjoy a celebratory embrace] Oh, Booger's wedding!
- Dudley Dawson: Yeah!
- Lewis Skolnick: [singsong] Booger's getting married!
- Dudley Dawson: Oh, come on, stop it!
- Lewis Skolnick: Hey, what do you think of the truck?
- Dudley Dawson: Well, I would expect nothing else from the king of the nerds.
- Lewis Skolnick: It's got everything.
- Dudley Dawson: Where's Betty?
- Lewis Skolnick: Oh, follow me.
- Lamar: [puts a name tag on Aaron] "Daddy".
- Lewis Skolnick: Hi, Lewis Skolnick, best man.
- Aaron Humphrey: [reluctantly shakes Lewis's hand] Figures.
- Lewis Skolnick: Booger is just crazy about your daughter. He's gonna make a wonderful husband, and that's all that really matters.
- Aaron Humphrey: Right.
- Lewis Skolnick: You know, once you get to know Booger, you'll be very happy with what you see.
- [Lewis sips his cocktail]
- Aaron Humphrey: I'll be very happy when I get away from you.
- [Lewis gives a loud nasal laugh]
- Trevor Gulf: Excuse me, Mr. Lewis, Mr. Booger; why is that buttocks squished up against the window like a pressed Devonshire ham?
- Lewis Skolnick, Dudley Dawson: [Tippy shrieks and faints] Ogre!
- Ogre: [Lewis opens the door to let Ogre in] Lewey!
- Lewis Skolnick: Ogre! How are you?
- Ogre: How ya doing?
- Lewis Skolnick: Good.
- Ogre: See it?
- Lewis Skolnick: Yeah, I saw it.
- Dudley Dawson: Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'm ready to jump off the dock!
- Ogre: Yeah!
- [applause]
- Chip: Hold it, everybody. I'd like to offer my toast...
- Everybody: Yeah, yeah.
- Dudley Dawson: ...to Booger's love child.
- [suspenseful music]
- Dudley Dawson: Love child? What are you talking about?
- [suspenseful music continues]
- Chip: I'm talking about the daughter you had 12 years ago, out of wedlock, with a young woman in Sandusky, Ohio.
- Ogre: All right, Booger! Yeah, bud!
- Aaron Humphrey: You have a child that my little girl doesn't know about? I am appalled Booger, appalled. And so is my wife, right, see?
- Lois Humphrey: But...
- Dudley Dawson: I don't know anything about this. I have no child in Sandusky, Ohio.
- Chip: The hell you don't!
- [everyone gasps]
- Lewis Skolnick: This is a fairly specious charge. Where's your proof, Chip?
- Dudley Dawson: Yeah, where's your proof, Chip?
- Everybody: Yeah!
- Chip: My proof is right here: I'd like you to meet Detective First Class, Chad Penrod. Detective Penrod, does Dudley Dawson, alias "Booger", have or have not a 12-year old child in Sandusky, Ohio?
- Chad Penrod: [takes out his notepad] I checked the birth records in Sandusky and found... that on March 19, 1981, a certain Heidi Dawson was born to a Miss Cathleen Turtle... Turteltaub, and a Mr. Dudley Dawson.
- Ogre: Cool.
- Trevor Gulf: Wait! If the parents of the alleged love child were never married, why isn't the child's name Heidi Turteltaub?
- Dudley Dawson: Exactly! Why isn't the child's name Heidi Turteltaub?
- Lewis Skolnick: Yes!
- Chad Penrod: Beats me.
- Dudley Dawson: If the child were born to an unmarried mother, wouldn't the so-said mother have given the aforementioned daughter her last name?
- Chad Penrod: Well, I do know this: The child's nickname is "Booger".
- Lamar: [Lewis has just separated a brawl between Lamar and Chip] I heard...
- Lewis Skolnick: Word!
- [Lewis glances at Chip]
- Lewis Skolnick: I can't believe what got into you two, this is supposed to be a happy occasion!
- [turns to Lamar]
- Lewis Skolnick: I'm especially surprised at you, Lamar! Now what was going on?
- Lamar: Well, Chip was crackin' on Booger's parents.
- Dudley Dawson: Crackin' on my parents? What kind of cracks, Chip?
- Lewis Skolnick: Booger.
- Unknown: Yeah, what kind?
- Lewis Skolnick: Booger, as your best man, I strongly advise you to just let it go
- Dudley Dawson: I'm not going to let it go.
- Lewis Skolnick: On the other hand, I'm prepared to explore other avenues with you as well.
- Dudley Dawson: What kind of cracks, Chip?
- Chip: Uhh-uhh...
- Lamar: Chip said that your mama was so ugly, the Elephant Man paid to see her.
- [Ogre laughs loudly]
- Takashi: Hey everybody, everybody! Booger's parents are here! Mr. and Mrs. Booger, Mr. and Mrs. Booger!
- [applause]
- Dudley Dawson: Mom? Dad!
- Chip: They look like they just fell off a pickle truck.
- Gaylord: [slaps Chip] Chip!
- Chip: Ow!
- Dudley Dawson: Folks, everybody, excuse me, these are my parents.
- Everybody: Oh!
- Betty Skolnick: We're so glad that you're here, Mr. and Mrs. Dawson.
- [applause]
- Dudley Dawson: I am flabbergasted. We would both like to thank all of you from the bottom of our hearts for this... wonderful shower you're throwing us.
- Lewis Skolnick: It's probably the first shower he's ever had.
- [guffaws]
- Mr. Dawson: No, he showered regularly: every other night in the summer, and weekly in the winter.
- [more guffaws]
- Dudley Dawson: Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'm ready to jump off the dock!
- Ogre: Yeah!
- [applause]
- Lewis Skolnick: So you might have a daughter in Sandusky, Ohio, huh?
- Dudley Dawson: [sighs] I don't know, it's certainly possible. God knows my seed is as strong as an Alaskan salmon, and I partied pretty hard in the early '80s.
- Lewis Skolnick: In Sandusky?
- Dudley Dawson: Apart from Akron, I probably spent more time in Sandusky than any place on Earth. Damnit! Everything was going so great, now it's ruined.
- Lewis Skolnick: Oh Booger, your wedding isn't ruined.
- Dudley Dawson: What are you talking about? We just had a food fight; people... don't have... food fights at their *bridal showers*! But I did! Some nouveau-riche guy, looked like he could have been a banker, is mashing handfuls of garnish up my nostrils.
- Lewis Skolnick: [sighs] I know things look bleak, but they've been bleak before: Do you remember at Adams College? We were exiled from the dorms and forced to live in the gymnasium. Do you remember in Fort Lauderdale, when we were persecuted into subjugation and incarcerated? How about when Orrin Price... framed me... for... embezzling Adams College computer research funds? We may have been subjected to the yoke of nerd oppression before, but we're not going to be subjected to it again!
- [flings aside a glass beer mug]
- Lewis Skolnick: This wedding is not over, the son of a gun has just begun! Come on, pal.