Christine Ebersole: Regina Rich

Richie Rich

Regina Rich

[having forced Richard Sr. and Regina to open Mount Richmore, Van Dough finds that instead of money, it contains... baby pictures, comic books, baseball cards, finger paintings, and other bric-a-brac!]
Van Dough: This is incredible! This is amazing! This is -...
[gets disillusioned]
Van Dough: This is... this is junk!
Regina Rich: [they both look insulted] Junk?
Van Dough: Bronze dog bones? What - Accordions? Baby pictures, tricycles, kites...
[picks up a]
Van Dough: Bowling trophies?
Richard Rich Sr.: Oh, do you remember that, darling?
Regina Rich: Our first date!
Van Dough: What is all of this crap?
Regina Rich: These are our priceless possessions!
Van Dough: Where are the gold bars... the diamonds... the negotiable bearer bonds? The money!
[points his gun at them]
Van Dough: WHERE'S THE MONEY?
Richard Rich Sr.: In banks, where else? And the stock market, real estate...
Van Dough: No! Is this some kind of joke? You're telling me there's not one single solitary gold bar, or emerald, or $1,000 bill in this *entire mountain*?
Richard Rich Sr.: Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, Lawrence, but that's not what we treasure.
Van Dough: [to Ambler] Shoot them! Shoot them now, please!

Richard Rich Sr.: How do you put up with me, Regina?
Regina Rich: Well, you do have $70 billion.
Richard Rich Sr.: Is that the ONLY reason?
Regina Rich: [she lightly gives him a smooch] No. You also have a **cute butt**.
[she walks away sensually, and he looks embarrassed, and then chuckles]
Richard Rich Sr.: Hey, Cadbury, did you hear that?
Herbert Cadbury: [valiantly trying to maintain his supreme dignity and keep a straight face, while also feeling very awkward to be discussing --- or even a party to --- such a crude topic] Indeed, sir. Madam admires your BUTT. I'm most dee-LIGHTed for you.

[last lines]
Richard Rich Sr.: I must say, Regina, now our son really *is* the richest boy in the world.
Regina Rich: He has *friends.*
[CUTTING-ROOM FLOOR-LINE]
Regina Rich: ... And in about half a year, he'll have something else that money can't give him, but *we* can.
Richard Rich Sr.: [CUTTING-ROOM FLOOR-LINE] Oh? Whatever might *that* be?
Regina Rich: [lightly pats her belly] ... A baby sister.
Herbert Cadbury: [Richard beams - as does Cadbury, who has been looking on from behind, and who now turns to a nearby mirror] ... Well, old boy, here we go again.

Van Dough: I'm all in favor of charity, sir. But your donations are costing the corporation $1 billion a year, and I think it's time we asked ourselves: What are we getting for it?
Regina Rich: [incredulous] What are we getting for it? Why, we're getting food banks, medical clinics, shelters for the homeless-!
Richard Rich Sr.: Now, Regina, calm down! It's my job to keep an eye on the bottom line.
Van Dough: Which is why I have to oppose the United Tool acquisition. We should be getting rid of dead weight, not acquiring more.
Richard Rich Sr.: I agree. That's why I am getting rid of United Tool...
Regina Rich: Richard! All those people and their jobs!
Van Dough: That is brilliant. I should've thought of it myself. We buy the company in bankruptcy, level the factories...
Richard Rich Sr.: No, I'm keeping the factory open.
Van Dough: Then we go in and bust the unions, slash benefits, and after that sell the company. Right?
Richard Rich Sr.: No. We give it away.
Van Dough: [bangs his hand down on the table, and snaps his finger] We git it a - -
[suddenly looks despaired]
Van Dough: We give it away.
Richard Rich Sr.: Absolutely! We modernize it, of course, and retool. Then we turn the factory over to the workers.

Richard Rich Sr.: [singing the passcode to open the family vault] We ain't got a barrel of money.
Regina Rich: Maybe we're ragged and funny.
Richard Rich Sr., Regina Rich: But we'll travel along-singing our song-side by side.
Vault Security System: Code accepted.
Van Dough: Thank you, Beavis and Butthead.

Richard Rich Sr.: Mount Richmore? I did say that we needed a family portrait, Regina. But this?
Regina Rich: Well, it was Rafaelle's idea. She's the artist. I didn't want to stifle her creativity.
Richard Rich Sr.: Oh, honey. You know I'm all for the arts. But don't you think it's a tad pretentious to have our faces 100 feet high? Wait 'til Geraldo gets a hold of this!

Richard Rich Sr.: [on Prof. Keenbean's Smellmaster 9000] Darling. We have Glasses to help us SEE better, and hearing aids to help us HEAR better. Why shouldn't we have something to help us SMELL better?
Regina Rich: We do, dear. It's called Chanel.

[after surviving a plane crash, they are on a raft in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean]
Richard Rich Sr.: Well, that's it, honey. We're out of Perrier, the caviar's gone, and there's no more melba toast. The only thing we've got left is a bottle of Dom.
Regina Rich: And this little pack of Bubblicious. Richie's favorite. He's only twelve years old, Richard. He's just a boy...
[She looks past him and notices something]
Regina Rich: Oh, my God! We're saved!
Richard Rich Sr.: What?
Regina Rich: My Louis! Darling, my suitcase.
[It is floating nearby; In another scene, Richard Senior brings it aboard the raft, and they examine the contents]
Regina Rich: My makeup case, my dresses, my Karl Lagerfeld, my Bill Blass...
Richard Rich Sr.: My tuxedo. Now we can throw a dinner party - Wait a minute. Here's something we CAN use.
[He holds up a Remington "Microscreen" electric razor and flips the switch, then beams and chuckles in delighted relief as it powers on]
Regina Rich: Richard, don't you think this is an odd time to start shaving your legs?
Richard Rich Sr.: No, Regina. This is might be the very thing that saves us. The very thing. Yes!
Regina Rich: Richard, darling, you've been too long at sea.

Regina Rich: [still lost at sea] Richard, if we ever get out of this, I'm gonna soak for a week in a vat of Oil of Olay... Why haven't they found us yet?
Richard Rich Sr.: Probably because the locator-transmitter in the plane is under a mile of water. So unless we find a Radio Shack out here at sea, we can forget about getting my Dadlink to work.
Regina Rich: There's only one person ruthless enough to set off a bomb on our plane. When I get my fingers on him, I'll-...
Richard Rich Sr.: Now, Regina, we don't know for sure who it was.
Regina Rich: Oh, Richard, wake up and smell the seaweed.
[assuming that he knows she means Van Dough]
Regina Rich: You should have fired him years ago!
Richard Rich Sr.: Darling, I have never fired anyone in my life, and I don't intend to start now.
Regina Rich: But, Van Dough!
[she shirks in disgust at him]
Richard Rich Sr.: He thought Richie was on the plane with us.
[becomes a newsflash to both of them]
Richard Rich Sr.: Regina, we have to survive! If only to warn Richie, his life could be in real danger.

Regina Rich: [They are boarding a plane bound for England] Oh, Richard, you're not seriously considering giving the queen the Smellmaster for her birthday?
Richard Rich Sr.: Why not, Regina? I think she'd get a kick out of it! Anything to take her mind off those children of hers.

Richard Rich Sr.: [as Regina is dangling from the glasses of Rich Sr's Mount Richmore face, being held onto by Richie and Rich Sr] I'm gonna swing you into my mouth.
Regina Rich: [frantically] In you mouth?
Richard Rich Sr.: [calmly] In my mouth.
Regina Rich: [frantically] In your mouth?
Richard Rich Sr.: [calmly] It's large enough.

Regina Rich: [sees her statue counterpart's nose after it got blasted] Oh my god, my nose. I look like Michael Jackson.