Tim Allen credited as playing...
Scott Calvin
- Little Elf Judy: My own recipe. Took me 1,200 years to get it right.
- Scott Calvin: 1,200 years?
- Little Elf Judy: That's right.
- Scott Calvin: You know, you look pretty good for your age.
- Little Elf Judy: Thanks, but I'm seeing someone in wrapping.
- Dr. Neil Miller: [in a light-hearted psychiatry tone] Scott, what was the last thing you and Charlie did before you went to bed Christmas Eve?
- Scott Calvin: [sarcastically] We shared a bowl of sugar, did some shots of brown liquor, played with my shotguns, field-dressed a cat, looked for women...
- [honestly]
- Scott Calvin: I read him a book!
- Dr. Neil Miller: What book?
- Scott Calvin: [sarcastically] Uh, "Hollywood Wives".
- [Laura puts her face in her hand]
- Scott Calvin: [honestly] "The Night Before Christmas", folks, come on!
- Charlie: Whoa, Dad! You're flying!
- Scott Calvin: It's okay, I'm used to it. I lived through the '60s.
- Scott Calvin: Charlie, stay away from those things. They're reindeer, you don't know where they've been. They all look like they've got key lime disease.
- Sarah the Little Girl: You're fatter this year.
- Santa: Thank you. You've grown, too. Now go back to sleep.
- [Drinks the milk and gags a little, Sarah looks at him]
- Santa: I think the milk's a little sour.
- Sarah the Little Girl: It's soy milk.
- Santa: Huh?
- Sarah the Little Girl: You said you were lactose intolerant.
- Santa: I did say that, didn't I? Thank you for remembering.
- Det. Nunzio: [after Scott got arrested] Look, I know you're Scott Calvin. You know you're Scott Calvin. So let's make this simple: I say, name, you say, Scott Calvin.
- [gestures Scott to come close]
- Det. Nunzio: Name?
- Scott Calvin: Kris Kringle.
- Det. Nunzio: Name?
- Scott Calvin: Sinterklaas.
- Det. Nunzio: [annoyed] Name!
- Scott Calvin: Pere Noel. Babbo Natale. Pelz-Nickel.
- [imitates Ed Sullivan]
- Scott Calvin: Topo Gigio!
- Det. Nunzio: Okay, Calvin, maybe a couple of hours in the tank will change your mind.
- Charlie: Get the bag of toys.
- Scott Calvin: And do what?
- Charlie: Go down the chimney.
- Scott Calvin: Down the chimney? You want me to take the toys down the chimney into a strange house, IN MY UNDERWEAR?
- Scott Calvin: Where is he?
- Laura: Well, he could be listening to records jumping up and down on his bed wearing a red hat and galloshes.
- Scott Calvin: I don't care what Neil's doing. Where's Charlie?
- Scott Calvin: [yelling out to his ex-wife in her car driving away from his house] It was a dream! Stuff like that doesn't happen! It was a dream! Come on! I don't even wear pajamas! Normally I sleep naked! BUCK naked! Ha!
- [suddenly embarrassed, to a woman walking down his sidewalk]
- Scott Calvin: Good morning, Mrs. McCoy, Mary Katherine.
- Mrs. McCoy: Eyes front, Mary Katherine.
- Scott Calvin: Sometimes, boxer shorts. You know.
- Bernard: I'll ship the list to your house.
- Scott Calvin: What list?
- Bernard: You know, the list.
- [sings quietly]
- Bernard: He's making a list...
- Charlie: [singing loudly] Checkin' it twice!
- Elves: [chorusing] Gonna find out who's naughty or nice!
- [Bernard groans]
- Scott Calvin: [flying away in the sleigh after finishing delivering presents in the fallen Santa's place] Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! And when I wake up, I'm gettin' a CAT scan!
- [laughs]
- Scott Calvin: Well, isn't that a pretty picture, Santa rolling down the block in a PANZER! Well kids, I... I certainly hope you have been good this year, cause it looks like Santa just took out the Pearson home. Incoming!
- Bernard: What's all this boo-hooin' going on here?
- [to Neil, who suddenly backs away from him]
- Bernard: Hey, how are you doing?
- Scott: Nothing, Bernard. I'm just saying good-bye to Charlie.
- Bernard: What good-bye? Charlie, you've still got the glass ball I gave you, right?
- Charlie: Yeah.
- Bernard: Well, all you've got to do is shake it, whenever you want to see your dad.
- Charlie: [his face lights up] Really?
- Bernard: He can come back to see you anytime, day or night. Hey, have i ever steered ya wrong?
- Dr. Pete Novos: I don't know, Scott. You're as healthy as a horse.
- Scott Calvin: Yeah! Clydesdale!
- Dr. Pete Novos: So what? You put on a little weight.
- Scott Calvin: Weight? Does this look like a little weight to you?
- Dr. Pete Novos: Weight can fluctuate from year to year.
- Scott Calvin: Fluctuate? You make it sound like I'm retaining water. I've gained 45 pounds in a week. Pete, what's happening to me?
- Dr. Pete Novos: Well, what's your diet like?
- Scott Calvin: Milk and cookies.
- Dr. Pete Novos: Really?
- Scott Calvin: But I don't finish all the milk.
- Dr. Pete Novos: Well then, there is your problem. Just try to cut back on the sweets, okay?
- Charlie: Neil's a really good cook.
- Scott Calvin: Yeah, and you should see him walk on water.
- Charlie: You don't like him very much, do you, Dad?
- Scott Calvin: Charlie, I'm sorry, I was just kidding around around. Sure I like him. But there's just something about him that makes me want to -...
- Charlie: Lash out irrationally?
- Scott Calvin: Now, where did you hear that?
- Charlie: From Neil. I learn a lot from him. He listens to me.
- Scott Calvin: Yeah! And he charges you for it.
- Scott Calvin: Why not? What if don't buy any of this Santa Clause thing? What if I choose not to believe it?
- [a dead silence falls upon the workshop]
- Bernard: Then there would be millions of disappointed children around the world. You see, children hold the spirit of Christmas within their hearts. You don't wanna be responsible for killing the spirit of Christmas, now would you... Santa?
- Scott Calvin: Did I miss anything?
- Business Guy Across from Him: No, we were, uh, just about to order lunch.
- Scott Calvin: Great! I'm starving.
- Susan Perry: I'll have a salad and iced tea, and dressing on the side.
- Mr. Whittle: Ah, pasta and tomatoes, uh, and very light on the oil. Can you do that?
- Scott Calvin: And I'll have a caesar. No dressing. And one of those homemade cookies, the warm chocolate chip. No nuts. And a little slice of cheesecake. Uh, crème brulee, and, um, hot fudge sundae, extra hot fudge.
- [licks his lips, sees people looking weirdly at him]
- Scott Calvin: On the side.
- Waiter: Anything to drink?
- Scott Calvin: Ice cold milk.
- Susan Perry: [wondering if he was really honest with them about his suddenly big belly] Stung by a bee, Scott?
- Scott Calvin: A big bee.
- Scott Calvin: [after he watches in the mirror as his beard grows back within one second after he shaved it prior to the big custody hearing] I'm in big trouble. Mm-hmm.