Diedrich Bader credited as playing...
Oswald Lee Harvey • Diedrich Bader • Oswald Harvey • Oswald Harvey Lee • Various
- Drew Carey: I think I should help people.
- Oswald Lee Harvey: That's good. My uncle was a general at the Salvation Army, until he went crazy and led a surprise attack on the Good Will Store. There was blood and platform shoes everywhere...
- Lewis Kiniski: Man, it must be weird thinking you're going to lunch with someone and you end up going to their funeral.
- Oswald Lee Harvey: Yeah. The closest things I've ever had to that is when my pet possum died. One minute he was fine, the next, on his back, dead. So I buried him in the backyard. But the weird thing is, the next morning, the grave was empty, and the ghost had taken a dump in my shoe.
- [Mimi kicked Steve out]
- Drew Carey: So, where are you staying?
- Steve Carey: A hotel.
- Drew Carey: You shouldn't be staying in no hotel, you should be staying here.
- Steve Carey: Thanks, but if I stay here, Mimi's never gonna let you see your nephew.
- Oswald Lee Harvey: Why don't you stay with me and Lewis?
- Steve Carey: Really?
- Lewis Kiniski: Sure. You clean, you cook, you're like a big, bald Mary Poppins.
- Kate O'Brien: Oswald, how do I look?
- Oswald Lee Harvey: On the Oswald Harvey scale... I'd give you a six.
- Kate O'Brien: Oswald!
- Drew Carey: Don't worry Kate, it only goes up to six.
- Kate O'Brien: Oh.
- Oswald Lee Harvey: It starts at three.
- Drew Carey: Oh, my god. I realized why I screwed up my life. I always wanted attention. I'm a pity whore!
- Oswald Lee Harvey: Aww, Drew...
- Drew Carey: No! Do not pity the whore!
- Drew Carey: Ask me about my day, I dare you.
- Lewis Kiniski: Drew, how was your day?
- Drew Carey: You're not sincere enough.
- [points to Oswald]
- Drew Carey: YOU! Ask me about my day.
- Oswald Lee Harvey: Drew, how was your day?
- Drew Carey: Lousy. It was like the rubber glove part of a physical exam.
- Oswald Lee Harvey: I think I'm going to be sick
- Drew Carey: Why?
- Oswald Lee Harvey: I've got little pieces of Jim Thome's head all over me!
- Drew Carey: Man, I can't believe I almost beat Jay up and humiliated him in front of the entire Warsaw.
- Oswald Lee Harvey: Wow. What was your plan, tire him out by letting him beat the crap outta you?
- Lewis Kiniski: Man... what do you get a guy who's just lost the girl of his dreams and is having a gay green-card wedding just to get his crappy job back?
- Oswald Lee Harvey: Champagne flutes?
- Lewis Kiniski: You read my mind.
- Lewis Kiniski: Mimi, if you lose the bet, you'll have to name your baby after us. Lewis Oswald.
- Oswald Lee Harvey: No, no. Oswald Lewis.
- Lewis Kiniski: [after much careful thought] Loswald!
- Lewis Kiniski: Drew, we found the Bed and Breakfast where the lesbians are staying!
- Oswald Lee Harvey: Yeah, we rented the room next door and the walls are paper thin!
- Drew Carey: I want to be a scoutmaster.
- [pause]
- Drew Carey: Tomorrow.
- Lewis Kiniski: It's a great day. Drew's got a new job, Kate got a promotion, and the manager at Drug-Co is paying me off so I won't talk about their new experiment.
- Oswald Lee Harvey: Really?
- Lewis Kiniski: Yeah, I'm supposed to meet him in the woods at midnight.
- Oswald Lee Harvey: How much is he going to pay you?
- Lewis Kiniski: I don't know, but I think it's going to be a lot. He told me to bring a duffel bag I could fit in.
- [Lewis ate a human liver that Oswald brought home for his med class]
- Lewis Kiniski: I'm a freak! I need some time alone!
- [Opens the door, at the same time that Milan comes in. Lewis makes sucking noises, creeping her out and leaves]
- Oswald Lee Harvey: I hope he's going to be all right.
- [Oswald stands up, bangs his leg on the table, and limps outside]
- Oswald Lee Harvey: Well, I'm off to the morgue to get another human liver.
- Milan: Hi, Drew... I see why you drink...
- Woman: Oswald? Oswald Harvey?
- Oswald Lee Harvey: That's what it says on my underwear.
- Woman: Hi, you probably don't remember me. I used to sit next to you, in homeroom class.
- Oswald Lee Harvey: Oh, yeah... How could I not remember you. By the way, you remember that girl that had the same first name is you. What was her name?
- Kate O'Brien: I don't believe this. You're taking advice from Oswald? Oswald who once swallowed a sponge to soak up all the beer, so he won't get drunk?
- Oswald Lee Harvey: Did I get drunk?
- Kate O'Brien: We had to take you to the hospital! You were clinically dead for two minutes!
- Oswald Lee Harvey: But, did I get drunk?
- Drew Carey: Hey, what were you doing upstairs?
- Oswald Lee Harvey: I was using your blow dryer to defrost my crotch.
- Drew Carey: Well, you just bought yourself a blow dryer mister!
- Drew Carey: I have a question to ask. Am I healthy?
- Oswald Lee Harvey: Well, you sound healthy. I can hear you breathing from here.
- Oswald Lee Harvey: I have an idea. Well at least hear me out first!
- Drew Carey: Uhh, Oswald nobody objected.
- Oswald Lee Harvey: Oh, OK. Anyway, if you're afraid to take a physical, you could get Lewis to take it for you.
- [pause]
- Oswald Lee Harvey: Why are you looking at me approvingly?
- Drew Carey: Because I'm proud of you. We can now add the word "savant" to your title.
- Oswald Lee Harvey: Don't worry Kate, I don't mind that you're dating Drew. As long as he doesn't see that tape.
- Kate O'Brien: Oh, my god! You still have that tape?
- Oswald Lee Harvey: Yeah, the one we made at the karaoke bar.
- Kate O'Brien: Oh, I thought you meant THAT tape...
- Oswald Lee Harvey: Ohh, that tape. No... I accidentally sold that at a yard sale.