Michael McDonald credited as playing...
Various • Carrie Bradshaw • Capt. Von Trapp • Host • Self - Special Guest • Stuart • Stuart Larkin
- Doreen Larkin: Stuart, what does mama say about little boys who eavesdrop?
- Stuart Larkin: Little boys who eavesdrop deserve to know the truth, and the truth is usually devastating.
- Aunt Noreen: Happy Birthday, Stuart! Do you remember which aunt I am?
- Stuart Larkin: The alcoholic?
- Aunt Noreen: No...
- Stuart Larkin: The one who lives with her "FRIEND", Linda?
- Aunt Noreen: No...
- Stuart Larkin: Then you must be the ugly one.
- Doreen Larkin: Stuart, apologize to your Aunt Noreen!
- Stuart Larkin: I'm sorry you're ugly.
- Doreen Larkin: What do you want to eat?
- Stuart Larkin: A Happy Meal!
- Doreen Larkin: Stuart, this is a Chinese restaurant. They don't make the Happy Meal!
- Stuart Larkin: [growling] Then I hate the Chinese!
- Doreen Larkin: STUART! That kind of talk is racist! What does Momma say about little boys who are racist?
- Stuart Larkin: Little boys who are racist learn to be racist from their mother!
- Doreen Larkin: [nods] That's righ-
- [stands up]
- Doreen Larkin: Oh! Ohh! Stuart, I've never said anything racist in front of you!
- Stuart Larkin: [nods] Hmm-hmm! You said that Canadians are wussies. And that black people are not scary if they keep their hair neat.
- Doreen Larkin: Oh! Okay...
- Stuart Larkin: The French are smelly and can't fight...
- Stuart Larkin: My mom said it's okay to talk to lesbians because they take good care of their cats and have a can-do attitude.
- Doreen Larkin: What does mama say about sliding down the banister?
- Stuart Larkin: Don't slide down the banister because you'll injure your googoo and that's all some men have going for them.
- Doreen Larkin: What does mama say about little boys who aren't polite?
- Stuart Larkin: Little boys who aren't polite give the pro-choice a better reason to exist.
- Stuart Larkin: Where did his eyes go?
- Doreen Larkin: Well Stuart, they didn't go anywhere, honey. They're just a different shape!
- Stuart Larkin: They look like this!
- [takes his fingers to his face and presses his eyes together to resemble an Asian]
- Doreen Larkin: Well, that's the way God made 'em. Just like he gave you the lazy eye!
- Stuart Larkin: I don't have a lazy eye!
- Doreen Larkin: Ohh! Yes you do!
- Stuart Larkin: Well, you have gray hair in your danger zone!
- Doreen Larkin: STUART! Did you peek at Mommy when she was changing again?
- Doreen Larkin: What does mama say about the smoking?
- Stuart Larkin: Smoking is for Europeans and white trash.
- Doreen Larkin: Stuart, this is your first time in a Chinese restaurant! Isn't this fun?
- Stuart Larkin: The waiter's face looked weird!
- Doreen Larkin: Well, that's because he's Asian...
- Stuart Larkin: [slight pause] Where did his eyes go?
- Doreen Larkin: [in a Chinese restaurant] Well, do you know what you want to eat?
- Stuart Larkin: A happy meal.
- Doreen Larkin: Stuart, it's a Chinese restaurant, they don't make the happy meal.
- Stuart Larkin: [growling] Then I hate the Chinese.
- Marvin Tikvah: Shelly.
- Shelly: What?
- Marvin Tikvah: [lowering voice] Shelly.
- [pauses and takes a drink]
- Marvin Tikvah: C'MON.
- Stuart Larkin: [talking to the Tooth Fairy] Don't jump on the bed. My mom says only Italians do that.
- Doreen Larkin: What does mama say about lying?
- Stuart Larkin: Little boys who lie should expect tragedy to visit them on a regular basis.
- Doreen Larkin: What does mama say about swearing?
- Stuart Larkin: Mama says, little boys who swear grow up to Democrats.
- Man: [a t-ball coach teaching Stuart to swing] Now, Stuart, you have to get angry and swing at the ball. What makes you angry , Stuart?
- Stuart Larkin: [eyes narrow, voice becomes a growling whisper] The *world*.