David Haig credited as playing...
D.I. Derek Grim
- Detective Inspector Derek Grim: I haven't got time Raymond. If you get in the way I'm responsible. Your cock up - my arse!
- [Inspector Fowler is discussing political correctness with his constabulary and Grim thinks he is wasting his time]
- Detective Inspector Derek Grim: What "ism" ever robbed a bank? What "ism" ever mugged anybody? What "ism" ever put a gun to somebody's head?
- DC Gary Boyle: [Reading a book] Terrorism?
- Detective Inspector Derek Grim: Yeah alright. What "ism" ever threatened the security of the state?
- DC Gary Boyle: [Still reading] Marxism?
- Detective Inspector Derek Grim: What "ism" ever hurt anyone?
- DC Gary Boyle: [Still reading] Sadism?
- Detective Inspector Derek Grim: Boyle! D'you think they'd do a uniform your size?
- Detective Inspector Derek Grim: I've got a tough job Raymond, and I need your cooperation. Now it's pretty urgent, so I won't beat around the proverbial privet. Frankly I'm too busy a man to be cluck-clucking like a decapitated feathered fowl, so I'll get straight to the point.
- Inspector Raymond C. Fowler: I'm very happy to hear that.
- Detective Inspector Derek Grim: Time waits for no man as the proverb goes, and what I say is, in CID crime waits for no man. So, with that in mind, I shall cut the bovine feces altogether. This is CID work, and in CID, we dispense with niceties, we avoid irrelevance, disregard herrings, red or otherwise, and above all, we do not fanny about!
- Detective Inspector Derek Grim: [about how to deal with persistent offenders] You nick 'em, you lock 'em up and you throw away the door!
- Detective Inspector Derek Grim: Remember - it's my arse and if you stuff it, I'm going to be very red in the face.
- Detective Inspector Derek Grim: [after Inspector Fowler has picked him up on his use of grammar] Is that so! Well try these words in a different order then - Bugger and Off! I mean off and Bugger. Damn.
- Detective Inspector Derek Grim: Obstructing CID in the course of their investigations, Raymond? That's a very serious offence, I've half a mind to charge you!
- Inspector Raymond C. Fowler: You have half a mind... full stop!
- Detective Inspector Derek Grim: I've been liaising with some *geeeeeezers* from 'The Met'; pooling our intelligence.
- Inspector Raymond C. Fowler: Goodness. Between you, you must have made an imbecile.
- Detective Inspector Derek Grim: [trying to get on the internet] I've booted up, I've patched in, I'm online, offline, downloaded
- [shouts]
- Detective Inspector Derek Grim: and extremely cheesed off!
- DC Robert Kray: You need to integrate your power supply at source, sir.
- Detective Inspector Derek Grim: What?
- DC Robert Kray: Plug it in!
- Detective Inspector Derek Grim: Ooooh, I hate Christmas! I reckon Scrooge was right, with his bag of humbugs.