Ian McNeice: Fulton Greenwall

Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls

Fulton Greenwall

Fulton Greenwall: My name is Fulton Greenwall, and I am looking for an Ace Ventura.
Ashram Monk: No man here carries with him a label.
Fulton Greenwall: Oh yes, no names. How silly of me. Well, um, he's an American.
Ashram Monk: We are all children of the same life force.
Fulton Greenwall: Yes of course we are.
[thinks]
Fulton Greenwall: He bends over and speaks from his rear.
Ashram Monk: Oh him. Right this way...

Fulton Greenwall: We can pay you handsomely.
Ace: I am now a child of light. Your earthly money holds no appeal to me.
Fulton Greenwall: Twenty thousand dollars.
Ace: Re-he-he-eally? No. I cannot. For I am sorely needed... here, at the ashram.
Ashram Monk: If I may interject! We're short of space, and it's important for you to use your talents. Let me help you pack.
Ace: But I am yet to attain omnipresent supergalactic oneness.
Ashram Monk: No. Wait. THERE it is!
[smiles]
Ashram Monk: You've just attained it.
Ace: I have?
Ashram Monk: Yes! Just now! You are one! I can see it in your eyes. You're more one than anyone!
Ace: What about my medallion of spiritual accomplishment?
Ashram Monk: Take mine!
Ace: This took you eighty years to achieve!
Ashram Monk: That's okay. I don't like it anymore. Really.
Ace: In the light of this great personal sacrifice you've made, I have no choice... but to take the case.
Ashram Monk: Great! I'll go tell the others!
Ace: Master... break it to them gently.
Ace: [cut to Ace and Greenwall exiting the temple through the celebrating, drinking, and some stripped monks] I've never seen them like that before. Denial can be an ugly thing.

Fulton Greenwall: Well done, Ace! You must be very proud!
Ace: Pride is an abomination. One must forego the self to obtain total spiritual creaminess, and avoid the chewy chunks of degradation.

Ace: [smiling nervously] Well, everything here seems good! Big load off my mind, aw God. You can speculate all you want, but unless you check it out for yourself, you never know!
[face quickly turns serious]
Ace: We should head back now.
Fulton Greenwall: Don't you think you should investigate?
Ace: There's no reason to go in there. Ever. I sense it as a holy man.
Fulton Greenwall: But I thought you said...
Ace: It's DARK! I could fall into a precipice!
Ouda: [hands him a torch] Here! Take this
Ace: Spank you, Helpy Helperton.

Fulton Greenwall: Ace, the Wachutus are a blood-thirsty, savage tribe. If they catch you, they will show no mercy!
Ace: Worry not, my brother. For I will be as a fly on the wall - a grain of salt in the ocean. I will move amongst them like a transparent... *thing*.

Ace: Mmm, this fruit paste is delicious. And the pottery is lovely.
Ouda: It's made from guano.
Ace: Guano! Why's that sounding so familiar?
[Ace starts licking the remains of the fruit paste from the bottom of the bowl]
Fulton Greenwall: Bat droppings.
[Ace drops the bowl, spitting the remains of the paste and wiping off his tongue]
Fulton Greenwall: Guano is their main raw material, they're using it to made a lot of things in the village.
Ace: Yummie!

Ace: [the tiny warrior comes out of the hut screaming] What's that he's saying?
Fulton Greenwall: Well, I believe he's saying she's not a virgin.
Ace: They can tell that?
[is running away from the Wachati and Wachootoo tribes]

Ace: [fleeing a cave full of bats] They're in my hair. They're in my HAIR! God in heaven, HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Fulton Greenwall: Ace. There is nothing in your hair.