Beware: Children at Play

OK, I love horror, I live horror, I write horror and make money at it too, and I'm easy to please . . . but, *Beware! Children at Play* is laughable and downright ridiculous. And, maybe, just maybe, that's what makes it so fun to watch, if anything else.

Talk about wooden acting, this has it twofold. But heck, would you buy a film titled *Beware! Children at Play*, by TROMA INC. nonetheless, and honestly trust to see Academy Award winning performances? I hope not. However, these are REALLY bad.

The main character has the voice of Terry `Hollywood Hulk' Hogan, as well as his acting capacity. And the whole plot premise is totally unbelievable. The police protocol, as it is portrayed in this movie, is bogus . . . not real life by any stretch of the imagination. The scene where the little girl is taken from her back yard and the way in which it is handled made me feel stupid just sitting there watching. So silly that it gives fiction a whole new meaning. Some of the dialogue is up to par, though. The ending isn't all that great as some of the reviewers would have you believe-typical TROMA gore-splatter effects. I think with a camcorder, friends, neighbors, and a few thousand dollars, I could make *Beware! Children at Play: Part 2*. Actually, I know I could.

I'm sure it goes without saying, that this film is good if you know what kind of B-movie trash is to be found here before you give 90 MIN. of your life to it, and were intentionally seeking this type of entertainment. In fact, I'm sure this would be killer kewl to watch if I was a fifth or sixth grader, or possibly still a junior high schooler. If I were fourteen again, I'd probably be watching it with friends on the weekend, playing PlayStation or XBOX, eating pizza, and having a great time. Actually at thirty I still do this, but that's beside the point.

Bottom line I guess is: *Beware! Children at Play* sucks, sucks, sucks . . . and I bought it on VHS.

Mike Cribben's cult favourite Beware: Children at Play is one of the most demented films ever to be picked up by Troma. The film deserves praise for fearlessly breaking one of the last taboos in horror and most impressively, doing so in an entertaining manner. Beware: Children at Play really is a taste free zone. For that achievement alone, the film is an absolute must see.

Lloyd Kaufman's introduction to the film begins with an anecdote recounting how a preview for Beware: Children at Play successfully emptied a theatre at the Cannes film festival. I'm sure the reaction would have been one of rapturous applause if the audience had seen the film in its entirety, because within the context of the "plot", the slaughtering of the demon children really does provide great entertainment. I know that sounds abominable but when a film's plot revolves around wild cannibalistic children who believe they are characters from Beowulf, I would say that just about anything goes.

The film begins slowly and somewhat painfully due to the extended dialogues about "cleavages" (I didn't even know there was a plural form of the word) and supernatural phenomenon. Before too long, John has joined Ross in his search for a group of missing children. These children really need a visit from Super Nanny because they spend their time cutting people in half with sickles and impaling trespassers on wooden stakes. The fact that children are depicted eating body organs would be tasteless enough for most directors, but to Cribben's credit he raises the bar by throwing a rape scene and a handful of religious fanatics into the mix. The film momentarily goes astray while our incredibly stupid heroes go to the library and read Beowulf, in order to get into the mind of the ringleader, who believes he is the cannibalistic monster, Grendel.

Thankfully, Beware: Children at Play gets back on track for the infamous child killing marathon. This sequence is remarkable in its complete and utter shamelessness. Kiddies get decapitated, stabbed, shot and killed with pitchforks. It is all so very wrong but when presented in this context, with the campy production values and incredibly unrealistic effects, the scene comes across as a stroke of genius. However, I think the picture gallery of slaughtered children on the Troma DVD is a bit foul even by my degenerate standards. That said, I'm glad that Troma once again has the balls to put this kind of material out on the market.

Beware: Children at Play is definitely not for everyone. However, fans of Troma and tastelessness in general will have a grand old time watching this shocker. I give this film full marks for having the backbone to completely smash one of cinema's biggest taboos and for being entertaining while doing so.

I had never seen a Troma film before this. I had no idea what to expect. My best friend recommended it, so the two of us and another friend rented it one night and watched it. The results were as follows: My best friend and I laughed the entire time. My other friend became violent. Don't worry, he didn't hurt anyone. The bottom line is, this is NOT a horror movie! The creators may have attempted to make a horror movie, but what they made was a hilarious comedy! The actors in this movie are absolutely horrible! Click on any of their bios, very few of them have been in over three or four movies! THERE'S A REASON FOR THIS!!!!!!! But you know what? They're all trying really hard to do a good job, and I'm certain that they thought that they were making Hollywood gold. Now let's look at other aspects of production. I have a feeling that this is what Max Bialystock and Leo Bloom were looking for when they found "Springtime for Hitler" in "The Producers"! There is no aspect of this movie that is particularly good, which makes everything GREAT! Especially if you are a theatre student, like me. I refer to such cinematic techniques as introducing a character (A psychic medium in this instance) and NEVER closing up on her face! I refer to a man who is getting a crowd incensed, but they never respond with more than a dull "EERRRRR". I refer to a monologue by a Bible salesman (And won't most people in a religious community ALREADY own a Bible?) where in the middle of the monologue the shot changes to a Speed Limit sign for no apparent reason. Then there's the end of the film. I won't give it away, but you have GOT to stomach this movie to see the ending! It's worth it! Trust me!!!!!!

This movie is a total bait and switch. I went into it having some positive expectations, namely, that I'd see a lot of grade school kids murdering their parents in a series of bloodsoaked rituals. However, this kind of stuff never really happens and it isn't until the FINAL 90-SECONDS that the director pulls out the stops, providing us with a hilariously bad "massacre" scene that had my brother and I rolling. The rest of this movie, however, is entirely forgettable and I can't recommend it. That final 90-seconds is awesome, yes, but you have to sit through a lot of boring crap and listen to a lot of bad writing to get there. If you just have to see the funny clip at the end where the kids all get killed, I'd search the web versus wasting a rental slot. Trust me, this movie sucks. A lot. ---|--- Reviews by Flak Magnet

The movie starts out with a boy and his father camping in the woods. The father gets caught in a trap, they cannot get help, and the boy ends up showing his cannibalistic tastes by attacking his father. As the boy grows he kidnaps children and they form a type-of cannibal cult. And then... well just watch. The film has some great (cheesy) special effects. And the end will definitely make you love this movie. Trust me, if you think the beginning is boring, just sit in till the end.