Jennifer Beals credited as playing...
Angela (segments "The Wrong Man", "The Man from Hollywood")
- Angela: Whether you like it or not, you are in the middle of a situation here you cannot just wish your way out of.
- Ted the Bellhop: But I've never met you people before! You're complete strangers!
- Angela: Everybody starts out as strangers, Ted. It's where we end up that counts.
- Angela: It's hard to stop talking about something that's so *huge*. I mean, I could go on and on about his cock, his bone, his knob, his bishop, wang, thang, rod, hot rod, hump mobile, oscar, dong, dagger, banana, cucumber, salami, sausage, kielbassa, schlong, dink, tool, Big Ben, Mr. Happy, Peter Pecker, pee-pee, wee-wee, wiener, pisser, pistol, piston joint, hose, horn, middle leg, third leg, meat, stick, joystick, dipstick, one-eyed wonder, junior, little head, little guy, Rumpleforeskin, Tootsie Roll, love muscle, skin flute, Roto-Rooter, snake, hammer, rammer, spammer, bazooka, rubber, chubby, sticky, stubby... schmeck, schmuck, schvantze, ying-yang, yang...
- [Leo is timing Chester for the 60 seconds he has to explain to Ted about the whole situation]
- Leo: Begin.
- Chester: Okay, Ted, pay attention here. I'm going to make two piles on the bar. One pile which is yours. And another pile which *could* be yours. And what you have to realize is we're gonna do this thing one way... or the other. Whether it's *you* who holds the axe or a Mexican maid or some bum we yank off the street.
- Norman: [about the money on the bar] You could buy a whole lot of soup with that pile.
- Chester: Shh! I'm the closer here. All right, I'm a little me - um, I've lost count. How much is on the bar here?
- Group: Six hundred.
- Chester: Okay, Ted, do you know how long it takes the average American to count to 600?
- Ted the Bellhop: [Thinks for a bit]
- Angela: It's a rhetorical question, Ted.
- Ted the Bellhop: No, sir.
- Chester: About one minute less than it takes to count to 700. Now Ted, a person's life is filled with a zillion little experiences. Some which are insignificant, have no meaning, and, you know, you forget them. Others which you remember for the rest of your natural life. Now, since what we're proposing here is so unusual, so outside the norm, this is a good bet that is going to be one of those incidents that sticks. So, since you're gonna be stuck remembering this for the rest of your life, you have to decide what that memory will be. So, Ted, are you going to remember for the next 40 years, give or take a decade, that you *refused* a $1000 for one second's worth of work? Or that you *made* $1000 for one second's worth of work?
- Leo: Time!
- Chester: So, Ted, what's it gonna be?
- Ted the Bellhop: Okay.
- Ted the Bellhop: What have I ever done to you people?
- Angela: What didn't you do, stick man? Unfortunately, you don't have the balls to back up the actions of your huge cock.
- Chester: Let me explain what we're talking about here.
- Ted the Bellhop: No, sir, you don't have to explain anything to me. Whatever constitutes a good time as far as you guys are concerned, well, that's your business.
- Chester: Well, no, it's your business, too, Ted, because we want you to take part.
- Ted the Bellhop: Take part in what, sir?
- Leo: Chester, your way of breaking the news to him gently is scaring the fuck outta him.
- Chester: You think so?
- Angela: Just spit it out.
- Chester: OK, you might be right. OK, here we go, here we go, OK. Thing is, Ted, first off, there's nothing homosexual about what we want you to do. I mean, I was thinking you might be thinking we want you to do some like, weird sex thing, like suck us off, pee on us, shit like that, you know. Nothing! Nothing could be further from the truth!
- Ted the Bellhop: A block of wood.
- Chester: [raps it with his knuckles] Continue.
- Ted the Bellhop: Three nails.
- Norman: Why three nails?
- Chester: That's how many Peter Lorre asked for. Continue, Ted.
- Ted the Bellhop: A ball of twine.
- Chester: Well, that is definitely a ball of twine. Continue.
- Ted the Bellhop: A bucket - of ice.
- Chester: You into it?
- Norman: I'm into it!
- Chester: All right, go on!
- Ted the Bellhop: A donut.
- Chester: That's for me.
- [eats it]
- Chester: Continue.
- Ted the Bellhop: A club sandwich.
- Angela: That is mine.
- Ted the Bellhop: And - a hatchet.
- Chester: "A hatchet as sharp as the Devil himself" is what I asked for.
- Ted the Bellhop: Well, sir, Chester, you be the judge.
- Norman: No, no, no, no. I'll be the judge.
- [tests it with his finger]
- Ted the Bellhop: Careful, sir.
- Chester: What do you think?
- Norman: It's a sharp motherfucker. All right, forget the nails and the twine and bring all this other bullshit over to the bar. Come on. Let's go! Pronto, man.
- Angela: Quick. He's coming back. Put the gag back in my mouth. We play this game all the time. Just play by the rules and you won't get hurt. Quick. Come on, put the gag back in my mouth. Quick! Quick! Quick.