Jack Lemmon credited as playing...
John Gustafson
- Grandpa Gustafson: What the... what the hell is this?
- John Gustafson: That's lite beer.
- Grandpa Gustafson: Gee, I weigh ninety goddamn pounds, and you bring me this sloppin' foam?
- John Gustafson: Ariel's got me on a diet because the doc said my cholestorol's a little too high.
- Grandpa Gustafson: Well, let me tell you something now, Johnny. Last Thursday, I turned 95 years old. And I never exercised a day in my life. Every morning, I wake up and I smoke a cigarette. And then I eat five strips of bacon. And for lunch, I eat a bacon sandwich. And for a midday snack?
- John Gustafson: Bacon.
- Grandpa Gustafson: Bacon! A whole damn plate! And I usually drink my dinner. Now, according to all of them flat-belly experts, I should've took a dirt nap like thirty years ago. But each year comes and goes, and I'm still here. Ha! And they keep dyin'. You know? Sometimes I wonder if God forgot about me. Just goes to show you, huh?
- John Gustafson: What?
- Grandpa Gustafson: Huh?
- John Gustafson: Goes to show you what?
- Grandpa Gustafson: Well, it just goes... what the hell are you talkin' about?
- John Gustafson: Well, you said you drink beer, you eat bacon, and you smoke cigarettes, and you outlive most of the experts.
- Grandpa Gustafson: Yeah?
- John Gustafson: I thought maybe there's a moral.
- Grandpa Gustafson: No, there ain't no moral. I just like that story. That's all. I like that story.
- John Gustafson: Hey, Pop. Well, I've really done it this time. I've really screwed it up. Jake and Melanie have called off the marriage, Jake's moved in with Max, Max and I are at it again, and on top of that, Ariel's moved back into her house with Melanie. Now what am I gonna do about all of that, huh? Pop? Pop?
- [the elder Gustafson is slumped forward in his seat; John gently checks his pulse and realizes he has passed away]
- John Gustafson: [tearfully] Looks like God remembered you, Pop.
- [after Ariel kicks John out, and Max won't let him spend the night]
- John Gustafson: I'm cold.
- Max Goldman: [hands him some matches] Here's some matches. Set yourself on fire.
- John Gustafson: Here, drop anchor.
- Max Goldman: You cut the anchor, you dumbass.
- John Gustafson: All right, then grab the net!
- Max Goldman: You cut that too, you dickhead!
- John Gustafson: Pop, I really wish you'd try the low fat bacon.
- Grandpa Gustafson: Well, you can wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which gets filled first!
- Max Goldman: You couldn't catch crabs from a $10 hooker.
- John Gustafson: How is your sister, by the way?
- Max Goldman: I am the gangster of love
- John Gustafson: Gangster, huh? So tell me, was it more of a hold up than a stick up?
- Max Goldman: Even your infantile penis jokes seem funny and witty this morning.
- [after finally catching Catfish Hunter]
- Max Goldman: If I die today, I die a happy man.
- John Gustafson: You die today, I'm taking your motor.
- Max Goldman: I knew your old man longer than I knew my own.
- John Gustafson: He was always very fond of you, Max.
- Max Goldman: He was a good man.
- John Gustafson: The best.
- Max Goldman: [beat] You know I didn't mean what I said about Melanie the other day.
- John Gustafson: Yeah. And you know how I really feel about Jacob.
- Max Goldman: He's a good boy.
- John Gustafson: Yeah.
- Max Goldman: I just don't want him to be lonely. He deserves better.
- John Gustafson: He deserves Melanie.
- [pause]
- Max Goldman: So what do you wanna do now?
- John Gustafson: Wanna get drunk?
- Max Goldman: Yeah.
- John Gustafson: [Bloopers] Dear! Uh, what... what the hell is her name?
- Max Goldman: Ariel?
- John Gustafson: Ariel! She left me.
- Max Goldman: You surprised? You don't even know her name.
- John Gustafson: I am going down and apologizing to Maria.
- Max Goldman: You traitor, you Benedict Arnold.
- John Gustafson: Yeah, yeah.
- Max Goldman: Finally. I didn't think he would last that long.
- [Grabs milk and smells it]
- Max Goldman: Smells alright to me.
- Grandpa Gustafson: It's okay, I'm a doctor.
- John Gustafson: Oh, sounds like Dad's using his free exam trick again.
- Max Goldman: Well, you gotta stick with what works.
- Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti: [to Ariel] Do you think I had sex with your husband?
- Max Goldman: Well, you sure weren't having sex with me.
- Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti: Why should I have sex with you? You just said you hated me!
- Max Goldman: [pointing to John] He said I hated you! I never said I hated you! Actually, I've grown quite fond of you!
- Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti: So now I'm supposed to have sex with *you* instead of him!
- Ariel Gustafson: Ah-ha! So you admit you slept with my husband! Huh! Huh!
- John Gustafson: Nobody slept with anybody last night!
- Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti: Ah, finalmente.
- Grandpa Gustafson: Speak for yourself!
- [walks out with Mama Ragetti]
- Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti: Mama?
- Max Goldman: Asa-moo-nu-coo-coo-lu-lu.
- John Gustafson: I think I liked you better before you were gettin' any.
- Ariel Gustafson: Honey, would you stop worrying? Max is going to be just fine.
- John Gustafson: I hope so... I may have given him some bad advice earlier.
- Ariel Gustafson: What'd you say?
- John Gustafson: I told him... I told him to just be himself.
- Ariel Gustafson: You said WHAT?
- Max Goldman: There's a rumor going around that Rick Ragetti's cousin's come down from St. Paul to buy Chuck's Bait.
- John Gustafson: An Italian running Chuck's, huh?
- Max Goldman: Yeah, we'll have the first mob-run bait shop in Wabasha.
- Max Goldman: Then, it's off!
- John Gustafson: Yes, it's off. Everything is off! The wedding is off and the friendship is off! And the gloves - are off.
- Max Goldman: Let the games begin.