Walter Matthau credited as playing...
Max Goldman
- [after Ariel kicks John out, and Max won't let him spend the night]
- John Gustafson: I'm cold.
- Max Goldman: [hands him some matches] Here's some matches. Set yourself on fire.
- John Gustafson: Here, drop anchor.
- Max Goldman: You cut the anchor, you dumbass.
- John Gustafson: All right, then grab the net!
- Max Goldman: You cut that too, you dickhead!
- Max Goldman: [singing] I just met a girl named Maria! And now I plainly see, she's not the bitch I thought she would be!
- Max Goldman: You couldn't catch crabs from a $10 hooker.
- John Gustafson: How is your sister, by the way?
- Max Goldman: [to John after Maria dumps spaghetti sauce on them] Do you think we should ask her for some garlic bread?
- [about talking to one's plants]
- Max Goldman: I got a cactus in my bathroom, but we got nothing to say to each other.
- Max Goldman: [Maria kisses Max after they fall to the ground] Mama mia!
- Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti: Holy moly!
- Max Goldman: I am the gangster of love
- John Gustafson: Gangster, huh? So tell me, was it more of a hold up than a stick up?
- Max Goldman: Even your infantile penis jokes seem funny and witty this morning.
- [after finally catching Catfish Hunter]
- Max Goldman: If I die today, I die a happy man.
- John Gustafson: You die today, I'm taking your motor.
- [John charges at Max in a boat]
- Max Goldman: You don't have the balls to take me on any more. Ariel's got you neutered.
- Max Goldman: I knew your old man longer than I knew my own.
- John Gustafson: He was always very fond of you, Max.
- Max Goldman: He was a good man.
- John Gustafson: The best.
- Max Goldman: [beat] You know I didn't mean what I said about Melanie the other day.
- John Gustafson: Yeah. And you know how I really feel about Jacob.
- Max Goldman: He's a good boy.
- John Gustafson: Yeah.
- Max Goldman: I just don't want him to be lonely. He deserves better.
- John Gustafson: He deserves Melanie.
- [pause]
- Max Goldman: So what do you wanna do now?
- John Gustafson: Wanna get drunk?
- Max Goldman: Yeah.
- John Gustafson: [Bloopers] Dear! Uh, what... what the hell is her name?
- Max Goldman: Ariel?
- John Gustafson: Ariel! She left me.
- Max Goldman: You surprised? You don't even know her name.
- John Gustafson: I am going down and apologizing to Maria.
- Max Goldman: You traitor, you Benedict Arnold.
- John Gustafson: Yeah, yeah.
- Max Goldman: Finally. I didn't think he would last that long.
- [Grabs milk and smells it]
- Max Goldman: Smells alright to me.