Kevin Pollak credited as playing...
Jacob Goldman
- Jacob Goldman: Studying up on your Italian, are you? You thinking of wooing Maria?
- Max Goldman: Nah, just gonna curse at her in her own language. That's all.
- Jacob Goldman: Hey, Pop, don't you think it's time you started dating again?
- Max Goldman: Who with?
- Jacob Goldman: Well, I happen to know Florence Gilbert, for example, down at the Rotary club, thinks you're quite a catch.
- Max Goldman: She looks like Ernest Borgnine.
- Jacob Goldman: Is that such a bad thing? What about Jane Clark?
- Max Goldman: Jane of the Jungle. Got more body hair than I do. She's a fur-bearing mammal, for God's sake.
- Jacob Goldman: Doris Sobrinski. Huh? I know she's a little heavy, but she loves to fish. You get her on the boat...
- Max Goldman: Doris Sobrinski is dead.
- Jacob Goldman: She is?
- Max Goldman: She choked to death on a stack of pancakes two weeks ago at the Lions Club charity breakfast.
- Jacob Goldman: Wow.
- Max Goldman: I think it's how she would have wanted to go.
- [opens a container of macaroni and cheese and starts eating]
- Jacob Goldman: Pop?
- Max Goldman: Yeah?
- Jacob Goldman: Listen to me. You can't sit around waiting for another Ariel to walk into your life.
- [Max just stares at him]
- Jacob Goldman: Thanks for the Phillips.
- [starts to walk away]
- Max Goldman: Jacob!
- Jacob Goldman: What?
- Max Goldman: Remember when you were a kid, your mother baked that rhubarb pie for my birthday?
- Jacob Goldman: She swelled up like a balloon. Broke out in hives. She didn't know she was allergic to rhubarb.
- Max Goldman: Oh, she knew. She baked it anyway 'cause she knew it was my favorite.
- Jacob Goldman: What made you think of that, Pop?
- Max Goldman: I don't know. I think about things like that all the time.
- Jacob Goldman: [concerned] Hey, Pop... are you all right?
- Max Goldman: Will you get out of here and let me watch my program? And close the door when you go because I don't want those mosquitoes coming in here. They're crazy about my macaroni and cheese dish.
- Jacob Goldman: Okay. That leaves Uncle Willy sitting next to the plant lady.
- Melanie: I'm not sticking the plant lady next to your Uncle Willy.
- Jacob Goldman: Why not?
- Melanie: Because he's a groper. He'll be all over her.
- Jacob Goldman: He's not a groper. He's a - touchy-feely person.
- Melanie: He's not going to be touchy-feely with the plant lady.
- Jacob Goldman: I think you got the hots for her.
- Max Goldman: Not in a million years. She's just a pig-headed I-talian witch with piss and vinegar running through her veins.
- Melanie: I just think we should take our time.
- Jacob Goldman: I've been taking my time! How does waiting since the Second grade grab you?
- Jacob Goldman: [Max and Jacob are watching TV when the dog passes gas] UGH! What are you feeding this dog?
- Max Goldman: Hormel Chili.
- Jacob Goldman: [grimacing] Whoo!
- Max Goldman: He likes it.