Burgess Meredith credited as playing...
Grandpa Gustafson
- [after Allie swallows a quarter]
- Grandpa Gustafson: Relax. Kids swallow quarters all the time.
- Melanie: Really?
- Grandpa Gustafson: Sure. If she craps out two dimes and a nickel, then you can start worrying.
- Grandpa Gustafson: What the... what the hell is this?
- John Gustafson: That's lite beer.
- Grandpa Gustafson: Gee, I weigh ninety goddamn pounds, and you bring me this sloppin' foam?
- John Gustafson: Ariel's got me on a diet because the doc said my cholestorol's a little too high.
- Grandpa Gustafson: Well, let me tell you something now, Johnny. Last Thursday, I turned 95 years old. And I never exercised a day in my life. Every morning, I wake up and I smoke a cigarette. And then I eat five strips of bacon. And for lunch, I eat a bacon sandwich. And for a midday snack?
- John Gustafson: Bacon.
- Grandpa Gustafson: Bacon! A whole damn plate! And I usually drink my dinner. Now, according to all of them flat-belly experts, I should've took a dirt nap like thirty years ago. But each year comes and goes, and I'm still here. Ha! And they keep dyin'. You know? Sometimes I wonder if God forgot about me. Just goes to show you, huh?
- John Gustafson: What?
- Grandpa Gustafson: Huh?
- John Gustafson: Goes to show you what?
- Grandpa Gustafson: Well, it just goes... what the hell are you talkin' about?
- John Gustafson: Well, you said you drink beer, you eat bacon, and you smoke cigarettes, and you outlive most of the experts.
- Grandpa Gustafson: Yeah?
- John Gustafson: I thought maybe there's a moral.
- Grandpa Gustafson: No, there ain't no moral. I just like that story. That's all. I like that story.
- Mama Ragetti: We could have retired in Hawaii.
- Grandpa Gustafson: I have been to Hawaii.
- Mama Ragetti: Oh yeah? Which island?
- Grandpa Gustafson: Come-on-I-wanna-lay-ya.
- Mama Ragetti: I find you disgusting.
- Grandpa Gustafson: Well, just as long as you find me.
- Grandpa Gustafson: And then the Mama Bear said, "Somebody's been sleeping in my bed, too." And finally, the Baby Bear looked and he said, "Somebody's sleeping in my bed, and the bastard's still there!" But Goldilocks had a Remington semi-automatic with a scope and a hair-trigger.
- Allie, Melanie's Daughter: [laughing] That's not the way it goes!
- Grandpa Gustafson: And that was the end of the Three Bears.
- Grandpa Gustafson: [to Mama Regatti in the produce section of the market] O-o-o-o. Italian girl. What do you say we go back to my place. I'll show you my cannelloni. Huh?
- John Gustafson: Pop, I really wish you'd try the low fat bacon.
- Grandpa Gustafson: Well, you can wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which gets filled first!
- Grandpa Gustafson: It's okay, I'm a doctor.
- John Gustafson: Oh, sounds like Dad's using his free exam trick again.
- Max Goldman: Well, you gotta stick with what works.
- Allie, Melanie's Daughter: Sing me a lullaby.
- Grandpa Gustafson: It's too late.
- Allie, Melanie's Daughter: Please!
- Grandpa Gustafson: Alright.
- [singing]
- Grandpa Gustafson: Stars shining bright above you, Light breezes seem to whisper, "I love you", Birds singing in the Sycamore tree, Dream, a little dream of me...
- Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti: [to Ariel] Do you think I had sex with your husband?
- Max Goldman: Well, you sure weren't having sex with me.
- Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti: Why should I have sex with you? You just said you hated me!
- Max Goldman: [pointing to John] He said I hated you! I never said I hated you! Actually, I've grown quite fond of you!
- Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti: So now I'm supposed to have sex with *you* instead of him!
- Ariel Gustafson: Ah-ha! So you admit you slept with my husband! Huh! Huh!
- John Gustafson: Nobody slept with anybody last night!
- Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti: Ah, finalmente.
- Grandpa Gustafson: Speak for yourself!
- [walks out with Mama Ragetti]
- Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti: Mama?