Howling: New Moon Rising

If the wooden acting doesn't churn your stomach, the insipid country music will. TRUST ME, this movie goes beyond stupid, into entirely NEW realms of awfulness. Clive Turner, who had roles in Howlings 4 and 5 takes over as Director, Producer, and the lead role of "Ted". Ted is - guess what - a werewolf, who is Australian(??) and likes George Jones. The only decent performance in this crapfest is Jack Huff as Father John, a werewolf hunting priest. The movie makes a half-hearted attempt to connect with previous Howlings, but there is really no plot to speak of. Halfway through, the movie actually degrades to the point of making farting jokes. The ending (if you can make it that far) is the rotten icing on the top of this putrid cake. Do not watch this movie even if you are offered money. I'm sorry I did.

This movie once held a prominent position in the Bottom 100. How it ever got off the list is one of the great mysteries of the universe. Howling: New Moon Rising single-handedly redefines bad low-budget horror movies, and has all the requirements for being the worst horror sequel ever made:

1. No werewolf.

2. Old-school barroom jokes served up as original humor.

3. Small-town inhabitants playing themselves.

4. No werewolf.

5. Hopelessly outdated, overlong, and plot-halting line dance sequences.

6. Pappy sings.

7. Still no werewolf.

8. The most ridiculous 'plot twist' in the history of cinema.

9. Police chief: "Can we continue this tomorrow? This is all just too much information for me to take in all at once."

10. Red-tinted POV shots that's supposed to be a werewolf.

11. Written by, directed by, produced by, and starring Clive Turner.

12. "Hey Pappy - there's dirt in your chili!"

13. A two-line program command that produces the final CGI 'transformation' into the fakest-looking werewolf I've ever seen.

This movie was so painful to watch. No wonder they didn't make any more Howling sequels after this one. 1/10

When movie fans discuss the most influential directors of all time, the name Clive Turner is usually at the top of the list. Like some sort of bizarre love child of Lynch and Tarantino, Turner exploded onto the scene with his masterpiece, Howling VII, and with that one film, defined post-modern primativism. In the limited space I have available, I will discuss my interpertation and views of Mr. Turner's awe-inspiring vision.

First, the character of the inspector. Just as Eastwood destroyed the myth of the remorseless gunfighter in Unforgiven, Turner destroys the myth of the police investigator. Turner's inspector isn't glamourous, he doesn't drive an expensive car, he doesn't solve crimes with only a few clues he carefully pieces together. Turner's inspector is so world-weary, so jaded, that he cannot even listen to a simple werewolf-on-the-loose story without taking a break to absorb all the information, because his mind is so haunted by his past cases, he simply cannot stop thinking about all the pain he has witnessed.

Turner even manages to reduce the werewolf, probably the most primative of monsters, into a simpler form. No CGI effects here, no elaborate camera tricks,. Just a very simplistic, very primative revealing of the monster hiding inside all of us.

One of the biggest complaints I have read about this film is Turner's use of "ordinary townpeople" rather that real "actors" in his film (this in a time when reality TV is considered the height of human achievement) This unique casting decision again shows Turner's devotion to post-modern primativism. No other director would dare to take a chance like this. "Real" actors could never have delivered the raw, primal emotions the performers in this movie demonstrate. I know I am not the only audience member to "Stand Up and Testify!" when Pappy (Turner's brilliant play on the authority-figure archtype) commands, nor am I the only one to recoil in horror at the sad, brutal reality of alcoholism and drug abuse as demonstrated in the song "Sit here and drink my good Christian beer."

The final point I would like to discuss is the line dancing, probably Turner's most powerful statement about our sad modern world. Notice how unhappy and robotic all the line dancers look. Turner is forcing us to confront our MTV controlled culture. No matter how unhappy or robotic we feel, we must follow and worship whatever MTV tells us is "cool." Don't like rap? Don't like boy-bands? Too bad, MTV says you must like it, and it is your duty as a good consumer to roboticly follow.

Howling VII, much like Rebel Without a Cause, Saturday Night Fever, and Pulp Fiction is a movie that defines a generation and causes us to re-examine the world we live in. Mr. Turner is trying to warn us: Stand up, testify, absorb the world around you, before you wake up one morning and discover there is dirt in YOUR chili.

It took them seven sequels but they have finally made the worst "Howling" of all. This is a godawful mess filled with fat old drunk rednecks, and line-dancing. Noithing happens at all in this movie, don't even attempt to believe the posts here sauying this is funny---I LOVE bad movies but this is just a worthless pile of steaming excrement. No plot, no blood, no nudity, no suspense, no sense...

I can't say what the worst movie ever made is, but Howling VII is certainly my pick for 'worst movie that makes me laugh so hard my sides hurt every time I see it'. Which is a pretty big honor, really. Man, if there's anyone out there who's never seen this movie (I bet there's a few of you), trust me, you've got to rent it sometime. To give credit where it's due, this 'werewolf' movie tried to be something a little different: a combination horror-film/country-western-musical. Yeah, that always works. With no actors either. To save money they cast the local yokels living in this town to play... themselves. Hmmm, that seems like a good idea too. Wonder what went wrong?

You know, the fact this movie got produced at all is amazing. The fact this movie was produced by New Line Cinema is really amazing.

But taken for what it is, Howling VII is the best of its kind - I mean, they literally got everything wrong. The direction just isn't happening - the 'actors' sort of wonder around while on camera, blurting out memorized lines of dialogue at awkward intervals; the jokes (and there's lot's of em!) aren't remotely funny even if you're really drunk (like they were - seriously, just watch it); the music, as performed by our multi-talented cast, ranges charmingly inept to embarrassing; and, uh, there's no werewolves, just a few red-tinted pov shots.

Well, that last one's not entirely true; there is one unfortunate werewolf appearance - but it's in the last 30 seconds of the movie. Which is odd, since its transformation scene is the big showcase of the movie. (Remember - New Line Cinema produced this - the guys who are spending $360 million on Lord of the Rings). Anyway, the aforementioned scene is accomplished by digitally stretching the "actor's" face horizontally. That's it - bang, your face is stretched, you're a werewolf (my Sony 8mm Camcorder can do this).

There's also a detective's investigation side-plot which is so poorly executed you'd swear they were making a satire. Except these scenes are played without a trace of irony. All in all the whole movie is so innocent and hapless you can't believe it was made in the 90's.

Great fun, but not perfect. The one complaint I have is that, while most of the movie is rather good-natured (in a rather mind-bogglingly idiotic way), there's one unenjoyable part towards the end where our hero gets tortured by a sadistic policeman (who later becomes werewolf food - er, red-tinted-lens food). The movie is mean-spirited here, and this LOOOOONG scene is one I usually have to fast-forward. Not that it's gruesome or revolting (I mean, it's not like this is supposed to be a horror movie or anything) - it's just boring. But then we're back with the gang doing a campfire-sing-a-long in no time, and all's well.

Anyway, I could write pages and pages on this movie, but you get the point. I voted it a 1 since it's one of the three worst movies I've ever seen, but it's in my top 10 list of favourite films of all time. These types of movies can never be intentionally made, they just have to happen. And boy, something happened.