Michael Maloney credited as playing...
Joe Harper (Hamlet)
- Joe Harper: It was late November, I think, and I was thinking about the whole Christmas thing: the birth of Christ, the Wizard of Oz, family murders, and quite frankly, I was depressed.
- Joe Harper: You know the way doctors say that nervous breakdowns can happen very fast and dramatically, sort of a big bang, or there are the other kind which happen very slowly over a period of time. I was thirty-three years old, and this one had started when I was seven months and had just begun to take hold.
- Joe Harper: I'd always wanted to live my life in an old movie, sort of a fairytale, you know. Mind you, I suppose, if you think that most fairytales turn out to be nightmare and a lot of old movies are crap, then that's what I did.
- Nina Raymond: And you have me.
- Joe Harper: Really?
- Nina Raymond: If you like.
- Henry Wakefield: Get his name on the dotted line, love. He's a shifty git.
- Tom Newman: Hamlet isn't just Hamlet. Oh no, no, no. Oh, no. Hamlet is me. Hamlet is Bosnia. Hamlet is this desk. Hamlet is the air. Hamlet is my grandmother. Hamlet is everything you ever thought about sex, about geology...
- Joe Harper: Geology?
- Tom Newman: In a very loose sense, of course.
- Molly: You're not going to drive that old heap are you? With live people in it?
- Joe Harper: With actors in it. There is a difference.
- Joe Harper: I've been an actor now for eleven years. If everything had gone according to Laurence Olivier's book, I'd have known triumph, disappointment, and married a beautiful woman. Instead, I've known tedium, humiliation and shacked up with a psycho from hell.
- Joe Harper: Let me introduce you to our designer. This is Fadge.
- Nina Raymond: Did he say "Vag"?
- Tom Newman: I'm glad she uses the abbreviation.