Jeremy London credited as playing...
TS Quint
- T.S. Quint: But they're engaged.
- Brodie: Doesn't matter, it can't happen.
- T.S. Quint: Why not? It's bound to come up.
- Brodie: It's impossible. Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle his sperm? I guarantee he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry his child?
- T.S. Quint: Sure, why not?
- Brodie: He's an alien, for Christ sake. His Kyrptonian biological makeup is enhanced by Earth's yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan, the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a Kryptonite condom, but that would kill him.
- T.S. Quint: How is it that I go from the verge of hot Floridian sex with Brandi to Man of Steel coital debates with you in the food court?
- Brodie: Cookie stand isn't part of the food court.
- T.S. Quint: Of course it is.
- Brodie: The food court is downstairs. The cookie stand is upstairs. It not like we're talking quantum physics here.
- T.S. Quint: The cookie stands counts as an eatery, eateries are part of the food court.
- Brodie: Bullshit! Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs qualify as food court. Anything outside, of said designated square, is considered an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking. Now, if you're going to wax intellectual about the subject...
- Brodie: You're giving up? You? You used to be stand-up guy, what happened to him? The guy who punched Amanda Gross's mother after she called him "low class".
- T.S. Quint: That wasn't me. It was you.
- Brodie: Oh, yeah.
- T.S. Quint: And it wasn't her mother, it was her grandmother.
- Brodie: No wonder the bitch went down so fast.
- Jay: Shit, bitch, we're gonna bust up that stage like a high school kegger. We're just gonna outwit Lafours, X-Men style.
- Brodie: Should I call you Logan, Weapon-X?
- Jay: No, *Wolverine*! Shnickty shnickty shnoine!
- Brodie: See, what he's doing is imitating Wolverine's berserker attack with his adamantium claws.
- T.S. Quint: I never would have guessed.
- Gwen: How is it that you recall the most trivial events?
- Brodie: I'll never forget it. How many times do you get to see Smokey fuck the Bandit?
- Gwen: Didn't I look just like Burt Reynolds?
- Brodie, T.S. Quint: Except for the moustache.
- Brodie: After all he's done to you, you should still kinda stick it to him.
- T.S. Quint: How do you propose I do that?
- Brodie: You stinkpalm him.
- T.S. Quint: Stinkpalm?
- Brodie: You take your hand and stick it in your ass like this. You been walkin' all day and you're nervous, so no doubt you'll be sweaty as hell.
- T.S. Quint: You should see yourself right now, a grown man with his hand down his pants.
- Brodie: Yeah i probably look like my old man. So you shake hands with the guy, "Hello Mr. Svenning how have you been?"
- T.S. Quint: Whats the point?
- Brodie: You know how long it takes for that smell to come off? Scrub all you want, it'll stick around for at least two days. How does he explain it to his colleagues and family? They'll think he doesn't know how to wipe his ass properly.
- T.S. Quint: Meanwhile you yourself are left with a hand that smells like shit.
- Brodie: Small price to pay for the smiting of one's enemies.
- Brodie: My Grandmother always used to say "why buy the cow, when you can get the sex for free".
- T.S. Quint: She didn't!
- Brodie: All the time, before she became a lesbian on her 60th Birthday, but that's besides the point.
- T.S. Quint: I was going to propose to her.
- Brodie: Where?
- T.S. Quint: The Universal Tour.
- Brodie: You're kidding. What part?
- T.S. Quint: When Jaws popped out of the water.
- Brodie: That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.
- T.S. Quint: Too bad I'm not trying to marry you.
- Jay: You're fucking kidding me! The Easter bunny did this?
- Brodie: All I said was that the Easter bunny at the Menlo Park mall was more convincing and he just jumped the railing and knocked me down.
- Jay: He's fucking dead!
- Brodie: Oh let it go, he's under a lot of pressure.
- [T.S. and Gwen approach them]
- T.S. Quint: What the hell happened?
- Jay: The guy in the Easter bunny suit kicked his ass.
- Brodie: I had it coming.
- Jay: [to Silent Bob] Fuck all that shit! Come on, Silent Bob.
- [Jay and Silent Bob leave]
- T.S. Quint: What really happened?
- Brodie: The proprietor of Fashionable Male beat a raincheck into my stomach.
- Gwen: Shannon Hamilton?
- T.S. Quint: You know that guy?
- Gwen: I went out with him once after we dated. He tried to screw me some place very uncomfortable.
- T.S. Quint: What? Like the back of a Volkswagen?
- Brodie: Sounds like his M.O.
- T.S. Quint: [reading the break-up letter that Renee gave Brodie] Woah, she calls you "callow" in here.
- Brodie: You say that like it's bad.
- T.S. Quint: It means frightened and weak-willed.
- Brodie: Really? Shit. That was the only part of the letter I thought was complimentary.
- T.S. Quint: Maybe he's calmed down, we'll talk about it reasonably.
- Brodie: Reasonably shmeasonably, you should go over there and give him shit.
- T.S. Quint: How easily do you quit? Say you wind up with one of us?
- Brodie: Hopefully not Rush Limbaugh over here.
- Gil Hicks: Well, now, I'm not like Rush Limbaugh.
- Brodie: Well, why not? Because he's fat? Now you have something against fat people, too?
- T.S. Quint: How much did you smoke?
- Jay: All it took was a phat, chronic blunt. These guys were lightweights.
- T.S. Quint: How much do I owe you?
- Jay: My treat. As long as you promise that the next time you pop your old lady, you make her call you "Jay." Snootchie Bootchies.
- T.S. Quint: Let's hope there is a next time.
- T.S. Quint: Haven't you ever heard the phrase "The customer is always right?"
- Shannon Hamilton: Let me tell you something. Let me give you a little secret, okay.
- [yells it right in T.S.' ear]
- Shannon Hamilton: The customer is always an asshole!
- T.S. Quint: I never noticed it before, but she really fuels your engine. I don't know, you have this new like glow about you or something
- Brodie: I don't have a glow.
- T.S. Quint: Yeah, you do. You're glowing.
- Brodie: Look, if I had any kind of glow it's because I just got laid. I would look the same had I banged *anyone* in that elevator - present company excluded.
- T.S. Quint: Look, deny it all you want. I think that you're too proud to admit that you want her back.
- Brodie: I suddenly want something very bad to happen to you.
- T.S. Quint: What's your problem. I don't understand...
- [Gwen arrives and TS accidentally elbows her in the chest]
- T.S. Quint: Oh, Gwen, I'm sorry.
- Gwen: Oh, you fucker!
- [Gwen punches TS in the groin, TS falls to the ground]
- Brodie: See, that's what you get for fucking with me.
- T.S. Quint: Why do palm reading topless?
- Brodie: It makes the news easier to take. She could tell me I was going to die in ten minutes, just as long as she told me topless.
- T.S. Quint: Your maleness amazes me sometimes.
- Brodie: What can I say ? I love tits.
- Brandi: Suitor number one. If we fell in love, how would you propose to me?
- Brodie: [aside] When Jaws popped out of the water...
- TS Quint: [T.S. elbows Brodie to shut up] I propose to you right now. I propose that you stop letting your father run your life, make up your own mind and not give up on someone you know has value.
- Brandi: What?
- TS Quint: Hypothetically speaking.
- Brandi: Suitor number one, you sound familiar.
- Brodie: Brandi is the past my friend. You face forward, or you face the possibility of shock and damage.
- [Brodie gets knocked down by a metal beam]
- T.S. Quint: You should learn to heed your own advice.
- Brodie: Where the hell did that come from? What's going on here?
- T.S. Quint: Looks like a stage is being erected.
- Brodie: What is this monstrosity?
- T.S. Quint: Maybe it's for the Easter Bunny pictures.
- Brodie: Impossible, the Easter Bunny Court is down at the other end of the mall, it's been there since two days after Christmas. I want answers!
- [Brodie is trying to get into the comic book store]
- Brodie: Hey, what's going on in there?
- Steve-Dave Pulasti: I was warned about you. Take it easy before I have you removed from the mall.
- Brodie: Warned? What the fuck are you talking about?
- Walt "Fanboy" Grover: Tell him, Steve-Dave!
- Brodie: Fuck you, Fanboy!
- T.S. Quint: [breaking up the fight] When you two testosterone-seething, he-man, comic book fans finish up with this display of tough guy back-and-forth? I have some questions that need answering.
- [Silent Bob is trying to levitate a cigarette]
- T.S. Quint: What's he doing?
- Jay: Shithead here watched Empire and Jedi last week and ever since then, he's been trying to do the Jedi mind trick. The crazy fuck thinks he can levitate shit with his thoughts.
- [slaps the cigarette out of Silent Bob's hand]
- Jay: Knock it off!
- Brodie: [to Silent Bob] The force is strong with this one.
- Jay: Dude, don't encourage him.