Julie Warner credited as playing...
Michelle
- Michelle: [to the boys, finally fed up with them mocking her and Tommy] Listen up, you little spazoids. I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep. I swear to everything holy that your mothers will cry when they see what I've done to you.
- [This does the trick, and the boys finally leave Tommy and Michelle alone]
- Paul: Wait a minute, fat boy. You lost your shares to the bank. You don't even have a right to be here!
- Michelle: Gee, it's funny you should bring that up, 'cause I'm not sure that you have the right to be here.
- Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: Whoa, what have we got here? Oh, my God, it's a Police Report.
- Ray Zalinsky: What's all this about?
- Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: Let's see. "Paul Barrish, married May 1993 to Beverly Barrish aka Beverly Burns". Richard, how could Beverly be married to Paul and my dad at the same time? Interesting!
- Richard: Yes. Provocative.
- Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: What I think it means is your marriage to my dad was never legal.
- Michelle: Which also means that Beverly's shares still belong to Tommy.
- Paul: That's it! I'm not gonna take this.
- Richard: Uh, uh! It's not over yet, Lee Harvey.
- Michelle: Let's see... warrants outstanding: New Mexico-Mail Fraud. Colorado-Wire Fraud. And coming soon to Ohio, Computer Fraud.
- [Paul makes as if to say something, then makes a break for the door]
- Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: [shouts] Get him!
- Ray Zalinsky: Don't let him leave the complex, Marty.
- Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: [Paul runs into the Zalinsky auto testing center] Hey, you forgot your wife!
- Paul: Screw you! Screw all of you!
- [trips over the lever that starts the crash test; car drives fast]
- Paul: Not good.
- Ray Zalinsky: Hit the brakes!
- Paul: [screaming; car stops abruptly, sends Paul flying into a chair; a huge test bag drops down and smashes his testicles] Aaahh! Ohhh!
- Richard: Ooh! That will ruin his weekend.
- Tommy: Hey, remember your brother Duane? Whatever happened to him? We used to go to Safeway all the time and get caught trying to steal doughnuts.
- Michelle: He's a cop. He had to get a real job when my parents moved to Cuyahoga Falls.
- Tommy: Wow!
- [awkward silence]
- Michelle: [holds up box of Dunkin' Donuts] Want one?
- Tommy: I'd better not. I have what doctors call a little bit of a weight problem. I used to grab bear claws as a kid, two at a time, and I'd get them lodged right in this region here.
- [motioning at his stomach]
- Tommy: How come you don't put the files in the file cabinets?
- Michelle: I don't like file cabinets.
- Tommy: Why not?
- Michelle: You have to open them. I've got my own system; hasn't failed me yet. All the shipping orders go through me, which means I spend about half of my pathetically anal life in here. So if I couldn't do things my own way, I'd probably freak out and blow up the whole town.
- Michelle: [on the phone with Tommy] A thousand units to Oshkosh? Tommy, that's fabulous. Your dad never sold a thousand in Oshkosh. Uh-uh. Not since I've been here.
- Michelle: He's so sweet. You have no idea how much it means having you and your Mom as family. He says the sweetest things about her.
- Paul: Well, everything he does is sweet. So when does Sweetie get back?
- Michelle: This Friday. Which is great because we're backed up on orders as it is. He's turned into this selling machine.
- Paul: Well, between that and sweetness, I'd say hang on to him.
- Michelle: I know I've ruined your entire life, and you hate me. So let me just pack my things and I'll go crawl into a dark hole for a few years.