Jason Bernard credited as playing...
Jerry
- Lucy: I'm having an affair. I like Jack.
- Jerry: Who's Jack?
- Lucy: Peter's brother.
- Jerry: So?
- Lucy: So he thinks I'm engaged.
- Jerry: To who?
- Lucy: To Peter.
- Jerry: Lucy, I really don't have time for this.
- Lucy: No, you have to tell me what to do.
- Jerry: Tell the truth.
- Lucy: If I tell Jack I lied to his family he will *never* speak to me again. And Ox and Midge and Mary and Saul.
- Jerry: Saul? Who's Saul?
- Lucy: The next door neighbor. But you know what? Actually, he knows.
- Jerry: Lucy, you are born into a family. You do not join them like you do the marines.
- Lucy: So what should I do?
- Jerry: Pull the plug.
- Lucy: You're sick.
- Jerry: I'm sick? You're cheating on a vegetable.
- Jerry: What's this?
- Lucy: It's a wedding invitation.
- Jerry: Wait a minute! This is *your* wedding invitation.
- Lucy: So?
- Jerry: Whom are we marrying?
- Lucy: [turns over invitation] Jerry... Peter Callaghan.
- Jerry: The coma guy? Are you insane?
- Lucy: Yes, Jerry, I'm insane. Every day I go and I sit in a booth like a veal. I work every holiday, I go home to a cat. And now, a rich and handsome man has asked me to marry him, and I have said yes. Okay, okay, that makes me a raving total lunatic.
- Jerry: [reads the invitation] The wedding is tomorrow, Lucy!
- Lucy: I know it's tomorrow, Jerry. But you know what, I even wish it were yesterday, because that would mean that today that I would be on my honeymoon, that I would finally have a stamp in my passport, and that it would say "Italy" on it!
- [pause]
- Jerry: What happened with other guy?
- Lucy: [despondent] He didn't want me.
- Jerry: [to Lucy about Jack who followed her to Celeste's party] Peter?
- Lucy: I gotta talk to you.
- Jerry: Geez, he looks good.
- Lucy: That's not Peter. That's Jack.
- Jerry: Uh, who's Jack again?
- Lucy: Peter's brother.
- Jerry: Peter's the guy that's in a coma.
- Lucy: Yeah.
- Jerry: So then why did you bring Jack?
- Lucy: I didn't bring Jack. He followed me here.
- Jerry: So Jack's the fiancé?
- Lucy: No, Peter.
- Jerry: Peter doesn't even know you exist.
- Lucy: I know.
- Jerry: So Jack is Peter?
- Lucy: Yeah.
- Jerry: Lucy!
- Lucy: Yeah?
- Jerry: They have doctors for this kind of thing!
- Jerry: So what's the big deal?
- Lucy: What's the big deal? Jerry, they think I'm their future daughter-in-law. And the grandma has got this heart thing and if I tell them the truth, she's gonna have a heart attack and die and it's gonna be on my head.
- Jerry: Well, go along with it and when Peter comes out of the coma the family'll be so happy they won't care that you lied to them. They'll probably even thank you for it.
- Lucy: [to hot dog vendor] *Just* mustard.
- Lucy: [to Jerry] Okay, what if he *doesn't* come out of his coma?
- Jerry: Then who's to know?
- Jerry: [following Lucy's groan in response] Listen, Lucy, when I told my mother I was getting married to my wife, her intestines exploded. You tell them the truth now, you may as well shoot grandma.