Peter Boyle credited as playing...
Frank Barone
- Marie Barone: Frank do you love me?
- Frank Barone: YOU STILL NEED REASSURANCE, AFTER 45 YEARS OF BONDAGE?
- [Frank is eating lasagna from the platter]
- Marie Barone: Frank! What are you doing? You can't eat it from there! Your fork was in there! Now nobody can eat it!
- Frank Barone: That's all I have to do? In that case, the fork's been in the ice cream, too!
- Ray Barone: [comes in] Hey.
- Marie Barone: Hi, Raymond. Are you hungry? Do you want something to eat? Only you can't have lasagna... Or ice cream.
- Frank Barone: [sticks his fork in cake] Or chocolate cake.
- Marie Barone: Look at him! He's like an animal, marking his territory!
- [Frank sticks Marie with the fork]
- Marie Barone: Hey!
- Frank Barone: What? That's a compliment.
- Ray Barone: God, how I wish I could say this is the wrong house...
- [Robert started hanging out with black people]
- Frank Barone: I don't even understand one word you're saying anymore. Yesterday, why the hell did you call me "dog"?
- Robert Barone: It's a good thing. It means I like you.
- Frank Barone: I see. In that case, from this day on I'm calling you "jackass". That's also a sign of affection.
- [Ray comes in]
- Frank Barone: Hey, ugly.
- Ray Barone: What the hell was that for?
- Frank Barone: It's "Robert Talk". It means you're good-looking.
- [to Marie]
- Frank Barone: Hey, good-looking.
- Marie Barone: [after seeing Ray and Robert hug each other] Your sons are hugging.
- Frank Barone: I'll get the hose.
- [about Debra's dad's new girlfriend]
- Ray Barone: Well, usually guys his age go for younger women. Instead of going for somebody younger he went for somebody different.
- Debra Barone: Ray!
- Ray Barone: I meant... No! I mean, I always say the opposite phrases of what I say. Like, just this morning I told Debra "I'm soup, can I get some hungry?"
- [laughs nervously]
- Ray Barone: [Debra's mom leaves, Debra looks at Ray menacingly and goes after her mother]
- Ray Barone: Oh, man...
- Frank Barone: Kill is going to Debra you.
- Ray Barone: Ok, Robert, you want to know the advantages of marriage? Fine... There's... Uh... OK! Here! Got it! You know when you fall asleep and you stop breathing? When you're married, there's always somebody there to nudge you back to life... That's not a good example. Ok...
- Robert Barone: Ray...
- Ray Barone: No! I got this! Look, you want to know what marriage is really like? Fine. You wake up- she's there. You come back from work- she's there. You fall asleep- she's there. You eat dinner- she's there. You know? I mean, I know that sounds like a bad thing. But, it's not.
- [touches Debra's shoulder]
- Ray Barone: Not- Not if it's the right person.
- [pause]
- Frank Barone: I'd like a minute for rebuttal.
- Frank Barone: What's for brunch, Marie?
- Marie Barone: Ham.
- Frank Barone: Excellent. I shall put on my ham pants.
- Frank Barone: You know, Robert gets the jealousy thing from me.
- Ray Barone: Oh, yeah?
- Frank Barone: Yeah, one time I drove my fist through a Cadillac, on account of your mother.
- Ray Barone: Really?
- Frank Barone: Yeah. She started talking about marriage, and I told her to go to hell. I remember hearing through the grapevine, that your mother was going to have dinner at Chuck Pacarello's. Now, your mother's cooking, that's something... special. And, I figured, she was only gonna cook like that for me. So, I went to Chuck Pacarello's and punched the headlights off of his car. I spent the night in the hospital, picking glass out of my arm.
- Ray Barone: Wow, dad, I never thought there was a story like that behind you and mom. It's almost romantic.
- Frank Barone: Yeah, I know. I don't tell that story a lot, though.
- Ray Barone: How come?
- Frank Barone: Because it doesn't have a happy ending.
- Ray Barone: This coming from the guy who once threw his shoe at a swan.
- Frank Barone: It's called protecting your sandwich!
- [Ray just ended a sentence with "at"; Marie is infuriated]
- Marie Barone: This is the end of civilization! People like you don't wanna learn or do anything, because they're too busy with their remote control televisions, or playing with their hula hoops, and before you know it,
- [shouts]
- Marie Barone: that's where we're at!
- Frank Barone: Where the cookies at?
- Ray Barone: Nothing is ever good enough, and it's always our fault!
- Frank Barone: Hey, you can't speak to your mother like that!
- Ray Barone: You do!
- Frank Barone: She's not my mother!
- Frank Barone: I'm sorry the check got stuck to the chubby hubby.
- Marie Barone: Oh Frank. You've never said that to me before.
- Robert Barone: No one's ever said that before.
- Frank Barone: Chuck Pacarello? Where the hell is he? That son of a bitch owes me. I'm serving his life sentence!
- Marie Barone: You're giving him back that money!
- Frank Barone: Like hell, I am! I want to teach him a lesson. You up the stakes, you lose a lot. You play with matches and you get burned.
- [sticks check in front of Raymond]
- Frank Barone: AND, THANK YOU, COME AGAIN!