Ray Romano credited as playing...
Ray Barone
- [Frank is eating lasagna from the platter]
- Marie Barone: Frank! What are you doing? You can't eat it from there! Your fork was in there! Now nobody can eat it!
- Frank Barone: That's all I have to do? In that case, the fork's been in the ice cream, too!
- Ray Barone: [comes in] Hey.
- Marie Barone: Hi, Raymond. Are you hungry? Do you want something to eat? Only you can't have lasagna... Or ice cream.
- Frank Barone: [sticks his fork in cake] Or chocolate cake.
- Marie Barone: Look at him! He's like an animal, marking his territory!
- [Frank sticks Marie with the fork]
- Marie Barone: Hey!
- Frank Barone: What? That's a compliment.
- Ray Barone: God, how I wish I could say this is the wrong house...
- [Robert started hanging out with black people]
- Frank Barone: I don't even understand one word you're saying anymore. Yesterday, why the hell did you call me "dog"?
- Robert Barone: It's a good thing. It means I like you.
- Frank Barone: I see. In that case, from this day on I'm calling you "jackass". That's also a sign of affection.
- [Ray comes in]
- Frank Barone: Hey, ugly.
- Ray Barone: What the hell was that for?
- Frank Barone: It's "Robert Talk". It means you're good-looking.
- [to Marie]
- Frank Barone: Hey, good-looking.
- Ray Barone: You said you didn't know me?
- Debra Barone: You were stuffing your pants with food!
- Ray Barone: So? I'm your husband, you're supposed to love me no matter what's in my pants!
- [about Debra's dad's new girlfriend]
- Ray Barone: Well, usually guys his age go for younger women. Instead of going for somebody younger he went for somebody different.
- Debra Barone: Ray!
- Ray Barone: I meant... No! I mean, I always say the opposite phrases of what I say. Like, just this morning I told Debra "I'm soup, can I get some hungry?"
- [laughs nervously]
- Ray Barone: [Debra's mom leaves, Debra looks at Ray menacingly and goes after her mother]
- Ray Barone: Oh, man...
- Frank Barone: Kill is going to Debra you.
- Ray Barone: Ok, Robert, you want to know the advantages of marriage? Fine... There's... Uh... OK! Here! Got it! You know when you fall asleep and you stop breathing? When you're married, there's always somebody there to nudge you back to life... That's not a good example. Ok...
- Robert Barone: Ray...
- Ray Barone: No! I got this! Look, you want to know what marriage is really like? Fine. You wake up- she's there. You come back from work- she's there. You fall asleep- she's there. You eat dinner- she's there. You know? I mean, I know that sounds like a bad thing. But, it's not.
- [touches Debra's shoulder]
- Ray Barone: Not- Not if it's the right person.
- [pause]
- Frank Barone: I'd like a minute for rebuttal.
- Frank Barone: You know, Robert gets the jealousy thing from me.
- Ray Barone: Oh, yeah?
- Frank Barone: Yeah, one time I drove my fist through a Cadillac, on account of your mother.
- Ray Barone: Really?
- Frank Barone: Yeah. She started talking about marriage, and I told her to go to hell. I remember hearing through the grapevine, that your mother was going to have dinner at Chuck Pacarello's. Now, your mother's cooking, that's something... special. And, I figured, she was only gonna cook like that for me. So, I went to Chuck Pacarello's and punched the headlights off of his car. I spent the night in the hospital, picking glass out of my arm.
- Ray Barone: Wow, dad, I never thought there was a story like that behind you and mom. It's almost romantic.
- Frank Barone: Yeah, I know. I don't tell that story a lot, though.
- Ray Barone: How come?
- Frank Barone: Because it doesn't have a happy ending.
- Ray Barone: This coming from the guy who once threw his shoe at a swan.
- Frank Barone: It's called protecting your sandwich!
- Ray Barone: Nothing is ever good enough, and it's always our fault!
- Frank Barone: Hey, you can't speak to your mother like that!
- Ray Barone: You do!
- Frank Barone: She's not my mother!
- Debra Barone: Honey, show daddy what you drew.
- Ray Barone: That's okay, I can figure it out.
- [Ally hands Ray a drawing]
- Ray Barone: Um, lets see. A big wall of red?
- Ally Barone: No.
- Debra Barone: Ally told me that was a picture of you in hell.
- [Ray has hurt his back and is in bed with Debra]
- Ray Barone: I guess I am going to be out of commission for a while.
- Debra Barone: I wouldn't worry - it's not like Van Gogh has lost his paint brush.
- Debra Barone: [to Robert] It's your life. You do what you want to do.
- Ray Barone: Until you're married... then you do what SHE wants you to do.
- Ray Barone: Shouldn't you be yelling at me, or something?
- Debra Barone: Ray, when you're on the Titanic you lower the lifeboats. You don't stop to yell at the iceberg.
- Debra Barone: Where did you just come from?
- Raymond: I went to the bathroom.
- Debra Barone: No, you didn't.
- Raymond: I'm doing it right now.
- [Ray is bunking with Robert]
- Ray Barone: Could you, er, put a shirt on?
- [gets under the covers]
- Ray Barone: And some underpants?
- Robert Barone: Excuse me! I believe this is MY bed.
- Ray Barone: Yeah, I know. But when you get in bed with a guy, you... put some pants on!
- Robert Barone: So, Debra's parents are coming over?
- Ray Barone: Yeah, they don't come around much anymore, so we want to spend as much time as possible with them.
- [Robert stares at him, not buying it]
- Ray Barone: I've been told that's how I feel.
- [series intro]
- Ray Barone: Not every family goes by on a conveyor belt, but mine does, because...
- Robert Barone: Everybody loves Raymond.