Nick Bakay credited as playing...
- [a spell turns Salem blonde]
- Salem: I'm blonde! My IQ just dropped 20 points!
- Zelda: [pointing to each of the Spellman women] Blonde, blonde, blonde.
- [points at Salem]
- Zelda: Dead.
- Salem: Dogs guard; cats watch... and judge.
- Sabrina: You are so weird!
- Salem: [nodding] It helps break up the day.
- Hilda: What's my bra doing on the roof?
- Salem: Erm, the squirrels needed a nutfeeder...
- Zelda: What's the matter?
- Sabrina: What's the matter? I have to be a witch, I have to be a mortal, I have to be a teenager and I have to be a girl all at the same time. That's what's the matter.
- Salem: At least you still have your thumbs... and a door on your bathroom!
- Salem: Finally! I'm free! I have no place to go.
- [a bird is twittering outside the window]
- Salem: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Why must you keep tormenting me?
- Valerie: Gordy, are you even aware that there's a dance on Friday?
- Salem: I'll pick you up at 8. What kind of flowers do you like?
- Valerie: Surprise me!
- Salem: That means roses.
- Salem: Hello, this is your guard speaking. Harvey is at the front door, and send me a sandwich!
- Salem: Earthquake!
- Zelda: But we're in Massachusetts.
- Sabrina: [Looks out the window] Is that a beanstalk?
- Salem: Beanstalk!
- Hilda: I just haven't turned myself into wind in years.
- Salem: Would cabbage help?
- [All of Salem's mined magic is used on Sabrina]
- Salem: Well, at least I'm young. No, that's Sabrina. Well, at least I have my own magic. No, wait, that's Sabrina. At least I'm a biped, no, no, wait, THAT'S SABRINA!
- Salem: Let's destroy everything that's dear to him. Let's indoctrinate him into the cathedral of agony.
- Zelda: I'm gonna write him a very stern letter.
- Salem: You're a regular Mad Max aren't ya?
- Salem: [playing with a tassel on a cushion] Don't you toy with me you saucy minx!
- Salem: [speaking to a dog - subtitles appear at the bottom of the screen which read; go get me the meat of the...] Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof, oh shoot i forgot the word for floor, oh yeah, woof
- Sabrina: [about the Washing Machine engineer, who has a tail] He can't stay! He has a tail!
- Salem: What's wrong with having a tail?
- Salem: I'm gonna be tossed out into the snow on my nicely rounded buttocks.
- Zelda: Okay... do you know where to call in case of an emergency?
- Salem: THE MONEY STORE?
- Zelda: Salem!
- Salem: Yes... I've got your pager number.
