Alexander Chaplin credited as playing...
- James: Each year my mom makes a candy Nativity scene.
- [Carter walks by]
- James: Chocolate Jesus.
- Carter: James, at work, just call me Carter.
- [Carter tires of giving dating advice]
- James: Nikki asked me to get her a drink. What should I bring her?
- Carter: I don't know... a drink?
- James: She said to surprise her.
- Carter: Serve it to her naked.
- Stuart: I remember the first time I got mugged. It was by a woman. She came up to me, made small talk, put her hand in my pocket, and made off with my wallet.
- James: That's horrible!
- Stuart: I've paid more to get less.
- James: How many women have you slept with?
- Stuart: Roughly...
- James: I don't care *how* you did it, you sicko.
- Mike: Anybody read this? Bingo died.
- Karen: Ohh! Who's Bingo?
- Mike: Only the city's most decorated police dog.
- Nikki: Oh, yeah, right. He pulled that drowning kid out of the reservoir.
- James: And didn't he sniff out 10 kilos of cocaine at La Guardia?
- Mike: Yeah. Poor little guy didn't sleep for weeks after that.
- Mike: Hey, that is it. I'm officially taking down the suggestion box. "Wisconsin Rules!" is not a suggestion.
- James: I know, I just wanted to hear someone else say it. Wisconsin Rules!
- James: Stewart, I don't feel well. Knowing about Mike's mom and the Mayor is killing me.
- Stuart: James, secrets are power. You get something good like this, you sit on it. Right now, you leak it, it's just office gossip that makes everyone uncomfortable, BUT, in 20 years when Mike's running for President, this little gem gets me an ambassadorship to Sweden.
- James: What do I get?
- Stuart: Topless postcard from Sweden!
- [On erections]
- Nikki: Can't you guys control those things?
- Stuart: Not always.
- Mike: You can scold it, or smack it around a little bit. That only seems to encourage it.
- Nikki: I am fascinated.
- James: Sometimes all it takes is a thought, memory... sometimes all it takes is a slight breeze.
- James: Can men do this?
- Mike: Men, yes. You, no.
