Mike Judge: Beavis • Butt-Head • Tom Anderson • ...

Beavis and Butt-Head Do America

Beavis • Butt-Head • Tom Anderson • Van Driessen • Principal McVicker

Beavis: Hey, Butt-head, this book kicks ass. There's this talking snake, and a naked chick, and then this dude puts a leaf on his schlong.
Butt-head: Cool.

Beavis: Damn it, this always happens. I think I'm gonna score, and then I never score. It's not fair. We've traveled, um, a hundred miles 'cause we thought we were gonna score. But now it's not gonna happen. Damn it!
Bus Driver: Hey, buddy, sit down.
Beavis: Shut up, ass-wipe! I'm sick and tired of this! We're never gonna score. It's just not gonna happen! We're just gonna get old like these people... but they've probably scored!
Bus Driver: Hey, I'm warning you! SIT DOWN!
Beavis: [motioning to Martha] It's, like, this chick's a slut. And look at this guy. He's old, but he's probably scored a million times!
Old Guy: [nodding] Oh, yeah.
Beavis: But not us. We're never gonna score! We're never gonna score! We're never gonna score!
Bus Driver: [fed up with being disobeyed] ALL RIGHT! THAT'S IT, NUMB-NUTS!
[tackles Beavis to the floor]

David VanDriessen: You know, this could be a real positive experience for you guys. There's a wonderful and exciting world out there when we discover that we don't need TV to entertain us.
Butt-head: Huh huh huh. He said, "Anus."
Beavis: Entertain us, anus. Oh, yeah.
David VanDriessen: Have you guys heard a word I've said?
Butt-head: Uh, yeah. Anus.
Beavis: [chuckling] Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I heard it, too.
David VanDriessen: Look, guys, just take the TV back to the AV room right now. And try to be a little more open to life's experiences, okay?
Butt-head: What a dork.

[Dallas Grimmes mistakes Beavis and Butt-head for hit men who are hunting her]
Dallas Grimmes: 10 grand?
[scoffs]
Dallas Grimmes: Oh, that cheap ass. All right, I've got a better deal for you. I'll double it. I'll pay you 20 if you go back there and do him.
Butt-head: You want us to do a guy? No way.
Beavis: I don't know, Butt-Head. That is a lot of money. Maybe if we close our eyes and pretend he's a chick.

Butt-head: [dying in the desert] Whoa, I think my life is, like, flashing in front of my eyes.
[shows Beavis and Butt-head from infancy to now, sitting on the couch, giggling and watching TV]
Butt-head: Whoa. My life was cool.

Muddy Grimmes: I'll pay you 10 grand plus expenses, all payable after you do her.
Butt-head: Uh, do her?
Muddy Grimmes: That's right, do her. I'm offering you $10,000 plus expenses to do my wife. We got a deal?
Beavis: Actually, we just want to watch TV.
Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis. Uh... Yeah, we'll do your wife.
Beavis: No! I wanna watch TV!
Butt-head: [slaps Beavis] Damn it, Beavis, you butt-munch. This guy wants us to score with his wife, and he's gonna pay us. We can buy a new TV.

Little Old Lady: I'm sorry. You have to speak up, son. I have this ringing in my ears. My doctor says it could be related to my heart palpitations.
Beavis: Really? I poop too much.
Little Old Lady: Oh. Maybe you're lactose intolerant.
Beavis: I mean... No, no. I poop too much! And then I get tired.

Butt-head: [over loudspeaker] Uh, attention. Attention. We're looking for the chick with big boobs.
Beavis: [over loudspeaker] Yeah. We are ready to do you now.
Butt-head, Beavis: Uh-huh-huh-huh.
Senators: Uh-huh-huh-huh. Uh-huh-huh-huh.

Hoover Dam Guide: Now, can anybody tell me how much energy it takes to power Las Vegas?
Beavis: Yeah, I just have a question. Um, is this a God dam?

Little Old Lady: Oh, hello, there. Are you two heading for Las Vegas?
Beavis: Yeah. We're gonna score.
Little Old Lady: Oh, well, I hope to score big there, myself. I'm mostly gonna be doing the slots.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. I'm hoping to do some sluts, too. Yeah. Do they have a lot of sluts in Las Vegas?
Little Old Lady: Oh, there are so many slots, you won't know where to begin.
Beavis: Whoa. Hey, Butt-Head, this chick is pretty cool. She says there's gonna be tons of sluts in Las Vegas.
Butt-head: Cool.
Little Old Lady: It's so nice to meet young men who are so well-mannered.
Beavis: Yeah. I'm gonna have money and a big screen TV and there's gonna be sluts everywhere. It's gonna rule.
Little Old Lady: Well, that's nice.

[in the trunk of Muddy's car, Butt-head finds a tire jack and begins pumping the handle]
Butt-head: Hey, Beavis, check it out. I'm jacking off.