Jim Carrey credited as playing...
Cable Guy
- Chip Douglas: The future is now! Soon every American home will integrate their television, phone and computer. You'll be able to visit the Louvre on one channel, or watch female wrestling on another. You can do your shopping at home, or play Mortal Kombat with a friend from Vietnam. There's no end to the possibilities!
- Chip Douglas: You might recognize this song as performed by Jefferson Airplane, in a little rockumentary called "Gimme Shelter," about the Rolling Stones and their nightmare at Altamont. That night the Oakland chapter of the Hell's Angels had their way. Tonight, it's my turn.
- Helicopter paramedic: Hang in there, pal! You're gonna make it, buddy.
- Chip Douglas: Hey!
- [helicopter paramedic learns forward]
- Chip Douglas: Am I really your buddy?
- Helicopter paramedic: Yeah, sure you are.
- [an evil grin spreads across Chip's face]
- Chip Douglas: HI! Is there a problem with your service?
- Steven Kovacs: Yeah, my cable is out.
- Chip Douglas: [Presents a cut cord] Really? So you call me? Ha, funny how you call when you NEED something. Is that how you treat people?
- [Chip has brought Steven to "Medieval Times". A waitress in the Medieval Times role of a wench approaches them]
- Wench: [flatly] Welcome to Medieval Times. My name is Melinda. I'll be your serving wench. May I get you something from the bar keep?
- Chip Douglas: [too into it] Dos thus have thou a mug of ale for me and me mate, for he hath been pitched in battle for a fortnight and has the king's thirst for the frosty brew dos thou might have for thus!
- Wench: [uninspired] I'll be right back my lord.
- [She leaves]
- Chip Douglas: My thanks to ye, fair wench!
- The Cable Guy: Women are a labyrinth, my friend. Can I be frank? I don't think you listen to her. I think you tell her what she wants to hear. She wants you to thirst for knowledge about who she is, all the complicated splendor that is women. When your love is truly giving, it will come back to you ten fold.
- Steven Kovacs: You're right. That's incredibly insightful.
- The Cable Guy: I know. It was Jerry Springer's final thought on Friday's show.
- Chip Douglas: Reality isn't 'Father Knows Best' anymore. It's a kick in the face on a Saturday night with a steel-toe grip Kodiak work boot, a trip to the hospital, bloodied and bashed, for reconstructive surgery.
- Chip Douglas: You were never there for me were you mother? You expected Mike and Carol Brady to raise me! I'm the bastard son of Claire Huxtable! I am a Lost Cunningham! I learned the facts of life from watching The Facts of Life! Oh God!
- Chip Douglas: Here is a comment card. Please mail it in when I am done.
- Steven Kovacs: Does this go to your boss?
- Chip Douglas: No it goes to me, I'm sort of a perfectionis... perfectionis... t.
- [Chip is danging over a ledge above the giant cable dish]
- Steven Kovacs: You'll be fine. I'll be your pal, just come on up!
- Chip Douglas: No. It's too late for me, but there are alot of little cable boys and girls out there who STILL have a chance! Don't you understand, Steven? Somebody has to kill the babysitter.
- [drops from ledge and freefalls towards dish]
- Chip Douglas: It was my treat.
- Steven Kovacs: What do you mean it was your treat?
- Chip Douglas: You know, I bought this time. You buy next time... Don't let your eggs get cold.
- Steven Kovacs: Buy what?
- Chip Douglas: What do you mean 'buy what'? The women.
- Steven Kovacs: [after pause] Do... do you mean that Heather is a prostitute?
- Chip Douglas: Of course she is. You think a woman like that would hang out with us if we weren't paying her?
- Chip Douglas: [on answering machine] I was just blow drying my hair, thought I heard the phone ring. Ah... has that ever happened to you? Anyway... call me, we'll talk about it.
- Chip Douglas: Squad 51 Squad 51, Man down. Possible back injury. Nancy! We're gonna need an IV with D5W and ring a fract team stat. Check vital signs. Administer lidacaine drip. Prepare to defibrillate. CLEAR!
- Cable Guy: If Robin had seen you tonight, she'd be begging you to take her back. I'm telling you, these knights get laid all the time.
- The Cable Guy: [He and Steve are on horses about to charge one another] This is our destiny!
- Steven: No it's not!
- The Cable Guy: Yes it is!
- Steven: No it isn't!
- The Cable Guy: Yes it is!
- Steven: Isn't!
- The Cable Guy: T'is!
- Steven: Isn't!
- The Cable Guy: T'is!