Dian Bachar: George Noon

Cannibal! The Musical

George Noon

George Noon: [interrupting the trappers' gruesome song about the joys of killing animals] Oh, stop!
James Humphrey: That's sick!
Frenchy Cabazon: I agree! Nutter was singing in the wrong key!
Preston Nutter: No I wasn't! It was Loutzenheiser! I was singing in E-flat minor.
Frenchy Cabazon: The song's in F-sharp major!
Shannon Bell: I think they're the same thing. I mean, E flat is the relative major of F sharp.
Frenchy Cabazon: No it isn't! The relative minor is three half-tones DOWN from the major, not up!
George Noon: No, it's three down. Like A is the relative minor of C major.
O.D. Loutzenheiser: But isn't A-sharp in C major?
Shannon Bell: Wait, are you singing mixolydian scales or something?
Frenchy Cabazon: A-sharp is tonic to C major! It's the sixth!
James Humphrey: No, it isn't!
Israel Swan: Well, it would be like a raised 13th if anything.
Frenchy Cabazon: Oh well, you guys are just a bunch of loser diggers anyhow!
James Humphrey: Oh, see, you know we're right!

The Cyclops: Are you lookin' at my eye?
Miners: [all scream]
The Cyclops: Are you lookin' at my *eye*?
Miners: [various] No. No. No. Not at all.
The Cyclops: A union army soldier did this to me in the big one. Any of you boys fight for the union army?
Frank Miller: Shucks no!
Shannon Bell: Chucky dang darn!
The Cyclops: So, you the boys been killin' all my sheepies with those traps?
George Noon: Naw! We just now gots here.
The Cyclops: Where are you from?
James Humphrey: Nashville.
The Cyclops: Well, damn! It's good to see some Southern boys! It's been a long time!
[sings]
The Cyclops: Oh, I wish I were in the land of cotton, old times there are not forgotten, look away! Look away! Look Awaaaay...
[waits for other to finish]
James Humphrey: ...You stupid yank!
The Cyclops: You ain't southern boys!
Miners: [all scream again and run]

Israel Swan: If you don't find a nice girl in Colorado, just remember, there's plenty of mountain sheep.
George Noon: How big of mountain sheep?

[Noon is trying to flirt with an Indian girl]
George Noon: I may look tough and mean-spirited but I'm really a sensitive artist.
Indian Girl: That's very interesting.
George Noon: I paint, and I sculpt with my hands.
Indian Girl: That's very interesting too.
George Noon: You have no idea what I'm saying, do you?
Indian Girl: That's very interesting.

James Humphrey: Oh, gosh, I never thought I'd be sleeping next to a naked man on this trip.
George Noon: Just do what I'm doing. Just pretend like you're laying next to a nice soft woman.
Frank Miller: *What*?
George Noon: I'm just imagining old Mr. Miller here as a nice tall blonde.
Frank Miller: Oh, goddamn it! I want another partner!

George Noon: How deep do you think it is?
Alferd Packer: [throws rock in and everybody stares at the splash site for a few seconds]
Frank Miller: Well, what the hell was that supposed to prove?
Alferd Packer: Well, s-s... what... I don't know.

James Humphrey: You guys! I just thought of something too.
Alferd Packer: What?
James Humphrey: Okay, now, you remember when Swan was building that snowman? Well, how the hell did he make that tapping sound with his feet?
George Noon: You just now thought of that?
James Humphrey: Well, it's pretty fucking weird, isn't it?

George Noon: I know there's more to life then women. I just can't figure out what else there is. I don't need it every night, every morning'd be just fine. A little sex, that's all I'm asking for.

James Humphrey: Oh gosh, I never thought I'd be sleeping next to a naked man on this trip.
George Noon: Just do what I'm doing. Just pretend like you're laying next to a nice soft woman.
Frank Miller: What?
George Noon: I'm just imagining old Mr. Miller here as a nice tall blonde.
Frank Miller: Aww, goddammit! I want a different partner!