Trey Parker: Alferd Packer

Cannibal! The Musical

Alferd Packer

Alferd Packer: The sky is blue and all the leaves are green. My heart's as warm as a baked potato. I think I know precisely what I mean, when I say it's a *shpadoinkle* day! As I ride with my girl, She's my best friend in the whole world! We'll move along, set our goals high With eyes full of hope as we aim for the-- Sky is blue and all the leaves are green. My heart's as full as a baked potato. I think I know precisely what I mean, When I say it's a shpadoinkle day! When I say it's a happy-go-moinkaly lucky shpadoinklely... dayyyyyy.

Polly Pry: You made it to Wyoming, right?
Alferd Packer: Yeah, but I would've been better off just letting those people catch me and kill me.
Polly Pry: Why?
Alferd Packer: You ever been to Wyoming.
[cut to Alferd in a deserted field]
Alferd Packer: Uh, hello?
Polly Pry: [cut back to the jail cell] Oh God! It sounds horrible!

Frank Miller: Well, haven't you ever heard of the Donner party?
James Humphrey: Yeah, the Donner party! They got stuck in the California mountains.
Alferd Packer: They had to eat each other to stay alive.
[They all glance over at Swan's corpse]
James Humphrey: Well, heck yeah, why not?
Shannon Bell: Wait a minute, Humphrey, you wouldn't even eat your shoes!
James Humphrey: Well yeah, but you put your feet in shoes!

[about his horse, Liane]
Alferd Packer: She didn't just take off. We're friends, and friends don't just take off.

George Noon: How deep do you think it is?
Alferd Packer: [throws rock in and everybody stares at the splash site for a few seconds]
Frank Miller: Well, what the hell was that supposed to prove?
Alferd Packer: Well, s-s... what... I don't know.

James Humphrey: You guys! I just thought of something too.
Alferd Packer: What?
James Humphrey: Okay, now, you remember when Swan was building that snowman? Well, how the hell did he make that tapping sound with his feet?
George Noon: You just now thought of that?
James Humphrey: Well, it's pretty fucking weird, isn't it?

[singing about Liane]
Alferd Packer: Your eyes, your smile,/made my little life worthwhile./The sky was a lot more blue/when I was on top of you.

Polly Pry: How are you doing?
Alferd Packer: How am I doing? Have you ever been sitting around waiting to die?
Polly Pry: Yes! I have as a matter of fact!
Alferd Packer: When?
Polly Pry: Well alright, I've never really...

Sheriff Amos Wall of Saguache: Alferd Packer, any last words?
Alferd Packer: Yes.
Sheriff Amos Wall of Saguache: [sighs] Oh well, make it quick.
Alferd Packer: Probably the most important thing is that when things get really bad and the world looks its darkest, you just have to throw up your hands and say "Well, alright!" cause it's probably gonna get a whole hell of a lot worse.
Sheriff Amos Wall of Saguache: Jolly good! Now let's get on with the hanging!

Alferd Packer: [voiceover] We were all frostbitten and on our last legs, when the butcher suggested that we eat our shoes.
James Humphrey: Well, I'm not eating my fucking shoes!