Adam Sandler credited as playing...
Happy Gilmore
- Shooter McGavin: [after buying grandma's house in an auction] You're in big trouble though, pal. I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast!
- Happy Gilmore: [laughing] You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?
- Shooter McGavin: [long pause] No!
- Happy Gilmore: [to his golf ball] You little son of a bitch ball! Why you don't you just go *home*? That 's your *home*! Are you too good for your *home*?
- [yelling at his golf ball]
- Happy Gilmore: Answer me! Suck my white ass, ball!
- Gary Potter: Oh yeah. Lotta pressure. You gotta rise above it. You gotta harness in the good energy, block out the bad. Harness. Energy. Block. Bad. Feel the flow Happy. Feel it. It's circular. It's like a carousel. You pay the quarter, you get on the horse, it goes up and down, and AROUND. It's circular. Circle, with the music, the flow. All good things.
- Happy Gilmore: Yeah, alright. Good to meet you.
- Happy Gilmore: [to himself] Psycho.
- Shooter McGavin: [in a bar] Just stay out of my way... or you'll pay! LISTEN to what I say!
- Happy Gilmore: Hey, why don't I just go eat some hay, make things out of clay, lay by the bay? I just may! What'd ya say?
- Grandma: [referring to Terry, while sitting on her bed inside her room in the nursing home] How's that nice girlfriend of yours?
- Happy Gilmore: Oh, she got hit by a car. She's dead.
- Virginia: [while walking on the golf course] What's this I hear about you breaking a rake and throwing it in the woods?
- Happy Gilmore: What? I didn't *break* it, I was just testing its durability, and then I *placed* it in the woods because it's made of wood and I just thought he should be with his family.
- Happy Gilmore: [voice over narration] During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: most time spent in the penalty box; and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody.
- Happy Gilmore: [Having a bad day of golfing due to a member of the crowd] That guy's driving me *crazy*!
- Bob Barker: You know what's driving *me* crazy? You, not getting the ball in the hole.
- Happy Gilmore: Don't push me, Bob! Now's not the time.
- [Happy hits the ball, which hits a man standing on a boat, who then falls into the water]
- Bob Barker: This guy sucks!
- Announcer: We haven't seen Happy Gilmore play *this* badly since his first day on tour. He and Bob Barker are now dead-last.
- Bob Barker: I can't *believe* you're a professional golfer! I think you should be working at the snack bar.
- Happy Gilmore: [Angrily, with teeth clenched] You better relax, Bob.
- Bob Barker: There is *no* way that you could have been as bad at hockey as you are at golf!
- Happy Gilmore: Alright, let's go!
- [Happy throws down his club and punches Bob in the face, who falls to the ground]
- Happy Gilmore: You like that, old man? You want a piece of me?
- Bob Barker: [Shaking his head as he gets up] I don't want a *piece* of you, I want the *whole thing*!
- [Punches Happy in the gut, then proceeds to punch him in the face ten times, sending Happy falling into a pond]
- Happy Gilmore: [Happy gets out] Now you're gonna get it, Bobby!
- [Happy grabs his club and swings at Bob, who blocks, punches Happy in the face, then throws him to the ground. Happy tackles Bob, resulting in both of them rolling down a hill. At the bottom, Happy headbutts Bob]
- Happy Gilmore: The price is *wrong*, bitch!
- Bob Barker: [Bob grabs Happy's throat, opens his eyes with a menacing look, stands up, punches Happy in the gut twice, and once in the face before Happy falls down again] I think you've had enough.
- [Starts to walk away, but notices Happy start to stand up again]
- Bob Barker: No?
- [Kicks Happy in the face]
- Bob Barker: [while walking away] *Now* you've had enough... bitch.
- Doctor: Well, You're a little banged up but no serious injuries. Just keep off your feet for a few days.
- Happy Gilmore: [after been hit by a Volkswagen driven by Donald] To hell with that. I gotta finish up.
- Doctor: Fine. Do whatever you like. What would I know? I'm just a Doctor.
- [Happy sinks an amazing putt]
- Happy Gilmore: [intentionally antagonizing Shooter] Did that go in? I wasn't watching, did it go in? I didn't see it, could you tell me if it went in?
- Mover: I'll tell you what, you hit a ball past my ball, and we'll go straight back to work so you can watch your precious hockey game.
- Happy Gilmore: Give me the stupid club.
- [approaches the ball on the tee]
- Happy Gilmore: [judging the club] Look at this stupid thing.
- Mover: This is going to be hilarious. I mean, look how he's standing.
- Happy Gilmore: [sarcastically] Yeah you like that?
- [Happy hits the ball, hits the window to the house at the end of the street]
- Mover: Holy shit.
- Happy Gilmore: Go back to work.
- Mover: That house is like four hundred yards away.
- Happy Gilmore: Is that good?
- Mover: That's unbelieveable.
- Mover: Beginner's luck. Twenty bucks says you can't do it again.
- Happy Gilmore: Bring it on.
- [Happy hits the ball in the same direction]
- Distant neighbor: You boys are going to pay for that! *clunk* AHH!
- Mover: You hit that guy.
- Happy Gilmore: He shouldn't have been standing there.
- Mover: One more time, double or nothing.
- Happy Gilmore: You better pay up.
- [Happy hits the ball, ball hits a woman on the roof of the same house, falls off]
- Happy Gilmore: Oops. All right, maybe we should get back inside.
- Happy Gilmore: [to the clown hole at the mini-golf course after it spits out his ball] You're gonna die, clown!
- [breaks its nose off with his golf club]
- Virginia: [stopping Happy from fighting Shooter] Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey! You want to beat him? Beat him on the course.
- Happy Gilmore: That's right, I'm gonna beat your ass on the course!
- Shooter McGavin: Yeah, right. And Grizzly Adams had a beard.
- Lee Trevino: Grizzly Adams *did* have a beard.
- [to Bob Barker after Donald insults Happy]
- Happy Gilmore: I'd love to punch that guy in the face right now. But I can't, you know, because I'd get in trouble. I bet you get a lot of that on "Let's Make A Deal."
- Bob Barker: It's "The Price Is Right," Happy.
- Happy Gilmore: [grimaces in embarrassment] Oh, yeah. Sorry.
- Bob Barker: It happens. Let's play some golf.
- Happy Gilmore: Okay.
- Terry: [over the apartment intercom] All you ever talk about is becoming a pro hockey player, but there's a problem: you're not any good.
- Happy Gilmore: I am good. You know what, you're a lousy kindergarten teacher. I've seen those finger-paintings you bring home and they *suck*.
- Happy Gilmore: [to Virginia while on the golf course after being tricked by Shooter] Hey, my girlfriend is dead, you know. She fell off a cliff and died on impact.
- Chubbs: [standing outside the batting cage] Back in 1965, Sports Illustrated said I was going to be the next Arnold Palmer.
- Happy Gilmore: Yeah? What happened?
- Chubbs: They wouldn't let me play on the Pro Tour anymore.
- Happy Gilmore: Ah, I'm sorry. Because you're black?
- Chubbs: Hell no! Damned alligator BIT my hand off!
- [Shows Happy his wooden hand]
- Happy Gilmore: OH MY GOD!
- Chubbs: Yeah. tournament down in Florida. I hooked my ball in the rough down by the lake. Damned alligator just POPPED up, cut me down on my prime. He got me, but I tore one of that bastard's eyes out though. Look at that.
- [Shows Happy a small glass jar with an eyeball in it]
- Happy Gilmore: You're pretty sick, Chubbs.
- Virginia: [while on an ice rink] I thought we were going to be just friends.
- Happy Gilmore: What? Friends listen to "Endless Love" in the dark.