Keenen Ivory Wayans credited as playing...
Det. Jim Campbell
- Jack Cole: It's called a mala. Tibetan pray beads.
- Jim Campbell: What do you use 'em for?
- Jack Cole: I use 'em to calm my mind and to purify my thoughts.
- Jim Campbell: Yeah, I use Jack Daniels!
- Jack Cole: See now, we're trying to go to same place. We're just using different technique.
- Jim Campbell: Except I don't wear the bottle around my neck!
- Jack Cole: That's because you'd lose your job if you did...
- Donald Cunningham: [picks up the phone] Yeah.
- [Cole and Deverell's conversation is played on a tape]
- Jim Campbell: Sounds like your ass just got sold down the river, shit-head!
- Jim Campbell: Have you seen Casablanca?
- Jack Cole: You're asking me, have I seen Casablanca?
- Jim Campbell: Have you?
- Jack Cole: A guy like me, not seen Casablanca?
- Jim Campbell: Well have you?
- Jack Cole: No.
- Mr. Smith: He's selling it to a bunch of Serbian freedom fighters.
- Jim Campbell: You mean terrorists.
- Mr. Smith: Semantics. You say tomato...
- Jim Campbell: No, motherfucker, I didn't say tomato, I said terrorists.
- Jack Cole: [regarding a dead Russian woman] What else do you see?
- Jim Campbell: She's got nice tits.
- Jack Cole: Exactly. But I think a little *too* nice.
- [takes a scalpel and cuts open the woman's breast, removing a gel-filled implant with a serial number on it]
- Jack Cole: Okay, partner. Run this number.
- Jack Cole: Once and a while you should cry because it cleanses the soul and you can use a little bit of that.
- Jim Campbell: If I need a cleansing, I'll have a bran muffin.
- Jim Campbell: Look, why don't we just get you some red boots and a cape, so you can fly around the city and stop ALL the crime!
- [Two kids with toy guns scare Campbell. Campbell draws on them]
- Jim Campbell: FREEZE! Drop them now!
- [they comply]
- Jim Campbell: Where the FUCK do you two live?
- Ghetto Kid: Around the corner.
- Jim Campbell: Then *get your ugly ass* around the corner and take little Whoopi Goldberg here with you!
- [kids run off]
- Jim Campbell: Jesus Christ! Showdown on Sesame Street! Next thing Big Bird'll pop his ugly ass out one of these doors.
- Jim Campbell: What would cause something like that?
- Coroner: What am I? The Amazing Randi? We have tests to run. It will take time.
- Jack Cole: Do you speak Russian?
- Jim Campbell: A little bit.
- [Campbell starts banging the suspect's head to the trunk of the car]
- Jim Campbell: Answer, god damn mother fucker! Or I'll beat the shit out of your dumb ass!
- Jack Cole: You speak good Russian!
- Jim Campbell: Yes, black Russian!
- Jack Cole: [Campbell is shot through a window but catches the ledge on his way down. Cole brings him a rope from the roof] Hang on, Jim!
- Jim Campbell: Good idea, Jack! I wouldn't have thought of that!
- [Cole grabs him and they crash through an old lady's window]
- Jim Campbell: Police business, ma'am. The elevator was broken.
- Mr. Smith: [Cole has deftly shot and wounded Smith, while trying to obtain information that can clear Jack of several recent murders] You're a fucking' psycho! Campbell, *you're* still a cop! Aren't you going to help?
- Jim Campbell: Okay...
- [pulls a gun on Smith]
- Jim Campbell: But I'm a really bad shot.
- [Cole stops him]
- Jim Campbell: Just trying to help you, Jack.
- Lt. Jack Cole: ...So, are you married?
- Det. Jim Campbell: There, right there, is what I hate about new partners: they always want to get personal. But, if you must know, I'm single. And the reason I'm single is because every cop I know who's married has a wife who won't sleep with him, kids who don't respect him, and a dog who'd rather lick himself than go fetch the newspaper.
- [the dispatcher calls in with a hostage situation at St. Edmund's Catholic School. Jack responds to the call]
- Det. Jim Campbell: ... Hey, man! What are you doing?
- Lt. Jack Cole: We're in that area, aren't we? Look, St. Edmund's is right over here.
- Det. Jim Campbell: No, see, that's *suicide*. We're HOMICIDE. Some dumbass wants to jump off a bridge, it's his business. Some dumbass pushes another dumbass off that bridge, THEN it's our business.
- Lt. Jack Cole: The way I look at it, death is death. We gotta have compassion for the dead, the dying, the could-be-dying, and the about-to-be-dead.
- Det. Jim Campbell: ...All right. You win. We're there.
- [He kicks in the siren]
- Jim Campbell: You sell roaches? Damn, I'm in the wrong business! I could make money and never leave my apartment.
- Det. Jim Campbell: [responding to a hostage situation @ St. Edmund's Catholic high school] ... Man, you know this ain't our gig.
- Lt. Jack Cole: Why worry? It's just a lovesick kid here; he's not the first, he won't be the last.
- Det. Jim Campbell: Yeah, an *armed and dangerous* lovesick kid. Why do you think we've got SWAT?
- Lt. Jack Cole: Because they look good in black. See if you can beg or borrow a couple of cell-phones for me; I'll meet you there.
- [Inside a nearby classroom, Johnny holds his fellow students and their teacher at gunpoint]
- Millie: ...Johnny! Johnny, please stop this. They're going to hurt you if...!
- Johnny Deverell: I'm *not* in the mood for this, Millie!
- Millie: Just put the gun down, Johnny! Stop this! Please, Johnny!
- Lt. Jack Cole: [over the school's PA system] Johnny. This is Detective Jack Cole, LAPD. I'm not here to hurt you; I'm here to help you. I just gotta get in some kind of dialogue with you before SWAT gets here, because I don't want you to get hurt. So step over to the window, and you'll see that I'm unarmed.
- Johnny Deverell: Nobody move!
- [the young hostages cower beneath their desks]
- Lt. Jack Cole: Just come on over to the window, so you can see me. That's it.
- [Johnny looks out the window but doesn't see anybody. Then Cole bursts in through the door, gun drawn]
- Lt. Jack Cole: Sorry I had to do that, Johnny. Put the gun down. I don't wanna shoot you, and you don't wanna be dead.
- Johnny Deverell: Why not?
- Lt. Jack Cole: Come on, drop the gun! Or at least tell me what you want.
- Johnny Deverell: Don't talk like you know what makes me tick, man! You want me to start shooting?
- [He waves his gun at his classmates]
- Lt. Jack Cole: You're right; I don't know you. So I'm gonna put my gun down...
- [He does]
- Lt. Jack Cole: ... and we'll start out like this. Now, what's the problem?
- Johnny Deverell: You wouldn't understand, man.
- Lt. Jack Cole: Try me.
- Johnny Deverell: I just can't go back with them.
- Lt. Jack Cole: With who? Who can't you go back with?
- [as Johnny puts the gun to his own head, Cole catches him with a ramming tackle... which sends them both out one window and in through another]
- Millie: I love you, Johnny!
- Johnny Deverell: [barely conscious] I love you too, Millie.
- Lt. Jack Cole: [dazed] And I love both of you.
- [to himself]
- Lt. Jack Cole: Boy, this job is something else!